how it feels to be friendless your entire life

This took a little bit of strength to write because it was very dark and appalling to me back when I was had some tough times..and to get through it, it required me to forget everything, every little detail possible, every little conversation I had with the people and myself. It meant erasing and getting rid of everything that happened and starting with a new slate..fresh and clean. And now that I'm writing about it, I'm scared to be honest because it means revisiting all those black holes again

I am gonna make it seem very nonclichey but it all started with me joining another school. The school I was in from 1 grade was a great school all in all. I had some amazing teachers and good friends partly because we were all kids and also because I really didn't give an f if I was "too clingy" "dressed" "weird".But was a happy-go-lucky girl. I hit my puberty in this school as well and till the time I was in there, I didn't feel much of anything apart from some period cramps. I was fine and I didn't feel much of emotions other than me crushing hard on boys which was pretty normal for my age.

But the new school I joined was pretty uptight and a high-end one in my state. And he felt really weird stepping in there for the first time. I still remember my first day when I went too early and would roam around in the corridor greeting my new teachers as they went on about their work. It felt cool not gonna lie. I was not scared at all but rather was very excited. Almost as excited as I was at my first birthday party. And suddenly I see new students pouring in the class and eyeing me head to toe and giggling among themselves. I started panicking about my dress and my hair and my outer appearance overall. I felt scared of these people. And I started thinking to myself that these people were not at all like what I imagined they'd be. They didn't even make an effort to welcome me when my class teacher first introduced me. And it felt weird and wrong and I started feeling alienated all of a sudden.

And then something hit me and I dropped out of my negative mindset immediately. And I made an effort myself to say hi. And that's when it broke my confidence to filth. I wasn't treated right. At least the way I had expected people to treat me. I wasn't even given a second thought. I got ignored. One group pretended to ignore me even though they knew I was trying to talk to them. I felt like crying. I felt bizarre. Somehow over the course of a few months and I managed to make 2 good friends. They weren't exactly "friend" "friends" but the ones you befriend to not feel isolated and left out and that was all that I was tryna do for the first few months until I felt comfortable enough to go grab another one of these groups and fit in. Until then these two were my only fix. They didn't exactly treat me right too. But I didn't have an option too. It may seem like I'm over exaggerating over one incident but I am not and puberty was at fault too. My emotions magnified. Puberty, and a new school and a pressure to always be at the top of the class took a turn for the worst for my mental health and it still has its grips on me.

I suppose this happens with everyone but the way they treated me scarred me for life. And I still think how unworthy I am of everything even after countless sessions of therapy and ward visits. Those 2 friends weren't the kindest either.

As soon as we got done with our end semester exams, our classes got shuffled and I lost contact with those two friends I managed to gather. I felt lost again and scared more than ever now. I used to sit alone and run to washrooms at lunchtime. I sat alone for those two years before I transferred to a dummy school which gave me relief as I didn't have to go every day. Just on weekends for some practicals.

Teachers, on the other hand, never failed to not humiliate me. I offered to compete for council members and got rejected and I knew they'd only select the "most popular groups and students" and that makes sense too. But it broke my heart into bits and pieces. I didn't talk to anyone for the whole day. Not even my parents and that sucked. I loved to anchor and sing and I'd run after them countless times for a chance. And they'd never pay heed to me. Looking back at it now I really felt stupid and annoyed and still do. It left a huge hole in my heart that would never heal. But I got to learn one special life lesson.

"Sometimes it's better to be alone, no one can hurt you that way".

And this really stuck with me through thick and thin. And I want this post to be a learning lesson. You are better alone. If you are alone cherish yourself and learn to accept your flaws. Learn to look at the big picture and make it your mission to do something. Be productive. I know books were my best friend throughout this journey. Be my friend. Come talk to me. Remember this life is all about you and only you.