Finding my strength through distance

Recovery began when I decided I was in control. I took a breath and committed to being the person in charge of my life, that no matter the damage my ex-friend might bring to my door, I still get to choose how I react to it.

I'm not letting their erratic behavior, threats or neediness ruin my life.

It's like this: every day I wake up I have a chance to live. I was waking up inside the fear their actions lit for me. I was dancing with them trying to keep my footing while they were tripping me. And I was falling. A lot. So I said enough. I left the dance floor. Left the ballroom. Shut the doors behind me and decided, maybe they will even open those doors. That's okay. Because I am going to come out stronger.

I am going to make it through this.

Yes, this person cultivated a toxic relationship with me and has repeatedly trampled my boundaries and threatened me with financial harm since I tried to step away. Yes, they are still knocking on doors and windows and testing walls trying to find a way into my life. But no, they are no longer frightening me. When I breathe in, I feel the air enter. I am no longer struggling against the crush of their every-present pressure.

I won't fall prey to them again.

These boundaries are me no longer trying to save them from themself. Instead, I am saving me. I have decided I am more important than staying friends or staying friendly. But why was that so hard for me to see and admit?

I have been a victim. That alone changes my vision.

But I took the blindfold off.

I couldn't see that what I was doing was causing more harm to myself than doing good for this person. They weren't responding positively. Every way I tried to support them, they turned into a way to pressure me. I still don't know if they are aware of their abusive patterns or if they are just reactive and blind to anything outside their own desires. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that by stepping back, I took control. From here, I believe it will continue to get better.