Honest Life Intro Blog

I was told about Steem by a friend of mine. Both of us tend to look for deeper conversations than what can be held on most social media channels. We both tend to prefer honest and real lives rather than the pretty and manufactured lives "as seen on ____"  ( fill n the social media outlet of choice).  We both also enjoy dialogue between people with different perspectives from ours, without needing to find right or wrong to a discussion, or without algorithms telling us what they think we would be interested in.  Thus my intro to Steem.  It seems like a community of like minds but with different mindsets. Open, inquisitive and thoughtful. Time will tell I'm sure. 

What at I hope to share and grow here is life. Real life. Once upon a time, someone sat in my backyard and said to me "You really have the fairy tail. Beautiful kids. Great travel. A great marriage. And a beautiful home with a literal white picket fence!"  I sat and smiled and blushed. I know what we looked like from the outside. On Facebook. To our family, friends and neighbors. But life was different inside the walls of our home. In reality I was grateful and appreciative of all we had. I knew we were lucky on so many fronts. But we were living like the Jones', following the formulas to bigger houses, better cars, and all the stuff money can buy. And it was amazing. But money couldn't buy happiness in the long run. The side no one ever saw was a man with a good heart and an awful temper. A woman that was such a people pleaser she'd lost herself. An oldest daughter with a desire for perfection and a creative mind that wrote amazing stories, but also imagined the worst possible outcomes fathomable, and a youngest daughter that was in the early years of a budding bipolar diagnosis.  I was the people pleaser. I had to make it all ok. I couldn't fail. I couldn't look bad.  I couldn't make my husband mad.  I couldn't disappoint family, friends and neighbors with the horrible news we were not perfect. That would be a direct reflection on my failings as a person to not have fixed everyone, and be living the perfect life. 

The last 5 years of my 22 year marriage were an adventure.  That particular period started with a huge realization. The man I was married to traveled a lot with his job. I started to recognize dread set in when he was coming home. I knew there would be yelling and criticism. I knew any idea I had would be met with a "just playing devils advocate"  approach and debate instead of support and a partner to brainstorm how to make life work.  By this time I felt dumb. Incompetent. I looked confident on the outside but I slowly through the years became full of self doubt. "I'm a search light soul they say, but I can't see it in the night. I'm only faking when I get it right" was my mantra from the song that most spoke to my soul, Fell On Black Days, by the wonderful late Chris Cornell. I was depressed. I didn't know how to reconcile the life going on around me to how I felt inside my head.  My husband came home from work one day with an offer from his place of work for him to relocate to Amsterdam, for one year, to oversee a project. He was contemplating taking it and I tried to support him in all the proper ways. "If it will take you where you want in your career, go.". "I don't mind being a single parent". And I really didn't. His job left us secure enough that I could stay home and be a dedicated parent. With that off the table he didn't have to worry. He could focus on career. Then he asked me the question I had hoped I could avoid. He asked, "Wouldn't you miss me while I was gone". Before I could over think too much, I blurted out, "I like myself better when your gone".  This comment set in motion the next four years of individual and couples counseling. I think we both tried hard. But in the end, how he functioned was in direct conflict with everything I was becoming. I couldn't bare arguing anymore. By year 21 of our marriage I asked for a divorce. By year 22 we were in the throws of it until it reached its end. 

Fast forward two year now, to today. It has taken me the full two years to get to a place where I can say I am happy. I've gone from living in a 4000 sq ft home, to a 600 sq ft apartment with two daughter and our two dogs, to a 1000 sq ft home with my girls, our dogs and our new cat. And I'm happy. And it's genuine. It's not always easy but it's genuine. In these last few years I learned we all have our demons. But everyone is so worried about the stigma of letting those demons been seen in the light of day, they paint their pretty pictures to people outside their own walls.  I decided quickly that my goals moving forward were to be as real and honest as possible. Real in friendships. Real in relationships. Real about my struggles and triumphs. So many people walk through this world thinking they shoulder these unique struggles alone. I did. Now I hope to covey that I've been there. I've done that.  My hope is, by semi-consistently blogging and sharing my life adventures, both past and present, will help others struggling feel understood and less alone.  I hoping if you stay tuned you will feel like we are all more relatable than we could ever imagine to one another.  We can learn from one another in our trials and triumphs, if we can set ego of black/white, right/wrong thinking aside,  and realize we are all humans trying to do better today than we did yesterday.  If one thing I've  been through helps another person, its worth it. If one person reads me and has something to share back with me that I can learn from, it's wonderful. Sharing and living a real and honest life is what its all about. 

Peace, 

Julie

" When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace" Jimi Hendrix