Life Journey with social struggles. Getting my juice back. Ramblings of a trip
I've always had high energy(who hasn't). Haven't had an easiest time yet count what I'm grateful for. Since I had an awkward upbringing I try to make up for it by getting inspired to be social and creative. I may not always find (m)any people who share my enthusiasm. I like to have gatherings, pot lucks, fun music jams and good conversation. I spent time with sad people. who seem to want to just drown their sorrows as a lifestyle. Not me if I can, I had it hard enough but don't want to succumb myself. Many have a pessimistic (and why shouldn't they)view of the state of the world and their only solution it seems is to drink and say screw it ( never knew of any other option) to an alternative way of socialising/thinking(need tangible way to look forward to each day). I have had my influence though.
People do seem to think about what I've said, just got to give them space to do it. It's not me it's an allergic reaction. Maybe I should get out more, don't let the grimmers get ya down. I know now that I find pals in music and books, and just like real life can't believe everything you read or hear...just understand it's a perspective that's out there.
What I like to do is give someone something to think about and then leave them alone for awhile. I have had high anxieties but can't look for much comfort and understanding in other people. Still I can talk and speak my mind. It's important to be heard even if not many seem to think they agree with you.
I've gone through trips where my body reacts to stress or truama, having some trying times. I started sweating at night after my mom was hospitalized back in the mid 200?sands . I also had swollen eyelids, sometimes crying brought it on some, yet sometimes not. Back in the day in the 90s I would sometimes have anxiety attacks daily.
Yet I've found the frustration of not settling for less to be a gift. Appreciate my rage so I can articulate it. There's no person or group I can blame - it's a situation. When I constantly work and have any time off to see someone I want to make it count. If the other person is having a haze attack of a litany of woes, yet doesn't want to change, then I have to respect my time and not just give it away. May I not be hypocrazed. As always it makes me want to really talk to people I know when I see them and not just small talk. Only if I'm calm in my passion could I have a chance.If you've been chompin at the bit and are tired you want a tangible way out or change. You want social stimulation and not just sensation simulation. When the culture seems fake and work mundane you really crave the socialisation, keeping the standard of real life between people in situations they share is vital in my mind. To stay sane. To stay cheery in a grumpy world. These are just words, manners of speaking.
The traumas and ordeals in life didn't stop me. It slowed me down. I feel I'm getting my energy back after feeling in sort of a depressant state. People o.d. on drugs, others died by suicide, others died from cancer. Yea, it does bare down and it doesn't put me in the mood for goofing off or partying. I had the seriousness of sorts from day 1. Don't want to get depressed and wallow. I like to get pissed off and try to cheer other people up.
Also must put my self first first, before any attempt to lift the spirits up. Communication is two way. Yet it seems much of what passes for conversation nowadays is merely bi-lateral monologues (telling each other your opinion) instead of true dialogue (mutual exchange of understanding each other). Dialogue results in comprehension and understanding, monologues are a wall. In that meantime I got treated like I'm raising hell and then sometimes did. But hell no one created this situation. Find the hors d'oeuvres out of chaos out of interest. Wow have to become as relaxed as a cat right meow to pull off that feat.
