I will live the life I want.

It is Thursday evening now. Four and a half days since Aileen and Nathan left. "Left" makes it sound like it was a choice. That is not fair. It was the "only" choice to ensure we don't end up hating each other. I have spent most of my time either wallowing in self pity or being filled with frustration and rage. But no matter what combination of emotions I was feeling, one was always there. I am lonely. It has been so long since I have actually been alone and I took it for granted. Yes I have a few friends who are doing there best to help me through it but its not the same and so hard to actually accept. I am unable to talk to them with the same sense of freedom I could Aileen. That millisecond of thought extra that we put into what we say to help uphold the image we try to create. The comfort of just having someone around where I can truly be myself. The lazy, over complicated, panic attack prone me. The guy who screams like a girl if he see's a bee or even mistakes a fly for one.

In situations like this we tend to compare our self to the story's that we learned as a child. In an attempt to find meaning and give us strength when we do not know what to do next. For me, two particular fable's come to mind which I am going to share with you.

The first story is "Robert the Bruce and the Spider" and is set in the 1300's. I am sure many of you will be familiar with it. Their once was a Scottish knight named Robert the Bruce. He was a man of great renown. His lineage, overwhelming strength and great mind destined him for greatness. He earned the title of "Guardian of Scotland" in 1296AD. 10 years later he became the King of Scotland and declared Independence from the British. King Edward I moved quickly to quell the rebellion. Robert the Bruce of Scotland was quickly and easily defeated. Forced to go into hiding after such a humiliating defeat, the exiled king felt hopeless. He fled to a little Island off the coast of Co. Antrim, Ireland called Rathlin Island to avoid execution. Now living in a cave, Robert was long way from his home, family and friends. With thoughts of suicide growing stronger, all hope appeared to be lost. One day Robert went to the shore, found a plank of wood and some rope, then returned back to his new home. He placed the plank high in the corner of the cave, threw the rope over it and tied a noose....

To be continued/edited. Must go out for the evening.

life sucks so no point continuing...that was a better day.