When sex challenges us
Sandra is 36 years old and lives with Paul for a year and a half. He is only two years older and generally they get along very well as a couple and friends.
The sexual life of Sandra and Paul could be described as typical of a couple of their ages. They took care of the little details, spending quality time together and engaging in games and sexual codes of their own. They developed very soon a unique complicity that allowed them to strengthen as a couple and to make love take root.
However, the life of a couple has its ups and downs. External situations such as the economy, children, the influences of family and friends or new work obligations, can affect the balance that intimacy demands.
For two or three months, the sexual life of Sandra and Paul has been going through awkward moments that becomes more and more difficult to ignore every single night. It's been a good while since the last time they planned an intimate evening to enjoy each other, without interruptions, without haste, as they did at the beginning.
Instead, sex has become from a pleasure to a procedure. The meetings in bed are less frequent than ever, without pre-game, without conversation. He penetrates her in the most "comfortable" way, in a mechanical, almost impersonal act. Sometimes neither of them reaches orgasm.
Both are worried but they don't talk about it, they don't know how to approach the issue. They wonder instead if there is still love. If there will be someone else among them or who is responsable for what happens.
Sandra and Paul really loves each other. They are passing through economic difficulties that forces them to work harder than ever. And the accumulated tension in their bodies due to exhaustion and fear, are seriously affecting their sexual appetite although they are not aware of it. This fact challenges the whole relationship.
She has begun to drain anxiety through food and has gained a couple ponds that now weigh on her self-esteem. She's no longer letting him to see her naked.
He feels less capable as a provider of his family and so he's loosing the confidence in his masculinity. He has the idea that he's no longer satisfying his partner. The evasive attitude of each one reinforces the one of each other.
What to do?
In our culture we are conditioned to superficial conversation, while we hide our emotions, fears and desires. That is why a healthy and open conversation to reaffirm love is less probable between Sandra and Paul than a heated altercation for something as stupid than a not enough sugared coffee or a water puddle on the bathroom floor.
In my consultations and conferences I keep inviting people to strengthen ties every day, to demonstrate with the own example that channels for communication without judgment are always open, to address the problems before they grow too much, to take care of the small details that raise the enthusiasm of the couple, to take time for ntimacy even if you dont'n have optimal conditions: If there is no sexual appetite, a mutual massage is a good alternative.
Every crisis is an opportunity in campaign suit. Love can be affected by habit and fear, but it is still love, and love can do everything.
When you have the feeling that the problem is out of hand, a couples therapist is an excellent option to put in order your ideas and feelings, and begin the process of re-encounter.
I wish you orgasms and laughter today and every day.