Do we depend too much on our partners?
One thing that annoys me terribly about people is the fact that they do not think for themselves. I have this one friend whose husband died more than a year ago. It seems as if I have now become her decision maker. She clearly trusts me, but the fact of the matter is that she can't make any decisions for herself. She is obviously scared of making the wrong decisions, but it seems as if her husband made all the decisions for them and now she is stuck somewhere in limbo.
She literally HATES the place where she lives now, and really wants to move. She has been searching for weeks and finally last week found the most beautiful townhouse to rent. It is much cheaper and bigger than the place where she lives now, but NOW she now can't decide if she wants to move or not.
I met her for coffee yesterday, and I literally had to draw up a positive and negative chart to convince her that moving would be the right thing to do.
After she came to her final decision, I had a long and serious talk with her. The sad thing is that she misses her husband which is totally understandable. To lose a partner is very sad, but life goes on and we have to start functioning on our own again.
I have seen many women crumble to the ground when their partners dies. These women depended on their husband's so much that they can't do anything for themselves. They don't know how to work with money, and the scary part is that some women choose a new partner very quickly to take over the previous one's duties, just because they can't function on their own.
This weekend we spoke about exactly the same thing. My sister in law stated that if something should happen to my brother, then she would be lost. He handles all the money and she has no clue what goes on there. That is truly a scary thought!
Do women give up so much of ourselves when they get married, that they become totally dependable on our partner?
Then there is the other side of the coin. Some women can't wait for their husbands to die. After their partner dies they literally change their whole look, and start doing things that they have never done before. Why do they do that? Are we not supposed to live our lives WITH our partners and do everything together? Why else would you get married in the first place?
If you had to lose your partner now would you be able to function on your own?
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Nobody wants to be without the one they love, but I do believe we have to be able to function on our own - not only when they die but when they are still alive. You still have your own personality and spending time away from one another does not mean you do not love that person....it just means you need to have some time for yourself as well - good post
Exactly what I wanted to say - I can't think of any better way to say it!
these issues of autonomy and self-responsibility are so important and I'm glad to see your post. By the way, there is no credit for Khalil Gibran as the poet of the poem you included, so I'm providing it here.
Aah thank you. At least the name is on the pic so I did not even think of it.
@giantbear, I often wonder about people.
Granted, she was of an "older" generation, but my mom was not "functional" when my parents divorced in the 1970's. I remember it disappointing me, as a 12-year old... growing up with lots of other kids of single moms.
I wanted both my exes to be involved in our lives... and yet, both rejected and refused to partake in many things. In retrospect, they were living out some sort of dream-state in which they got to be "pampered princesses" without having to be accountable for "where" and "how" anything came to be.
My wife now is highly capable and far more aware and involved.
I have always believed in autonomy, even in marriage. To me, a good marriage is really a "threesome," consisting of "you," "me" and "us," and all three must be nurtured and have their needs met. Sadly, a lot of people lose themselves in relationship... and there is ONLY an "us." I am not sure that is so healthy...
You are so right...these people even have combined facebook accounts or even bank accounts...a threesome marriage sounds like excellent advice!
I know someone like this. Someone who cannot make decisions on their own.
A really well written article! Upvoted
Hiya how are you doing? Thank you...glad to see you are still writing!
Hehehe, yup, still here :)
A really well written article, giantbear. Before I have finished reading the article, I did actually want to quote that particular piece from Kahlil Gibran. I sincerely believe it is all about sharing as much as you want. My husband does not want to crochet with me (of course), for instance, and I do not want to go hunt with him (not as a matter of principle, but just because I do not see myself walking around in the bush with a gun). So we compromise. I sit and crochet or paint while he goes out, and we take long walks in nature on such a weekend. I have my friends, he has his friends. Sometimes we visit as couples; most of the time we visit separately. Space and understanding of each other's needs. That is what it is all about.
Regarding women who lose their better halves and get trapped in new relationships too soon: I do feel sorry for them. I firmly believe that one should first be completely happy on your own, and in your own self, before you are able to give the best of you to another person. Likewise, if you are intrinsically happy and not dependent on someone else to regulate your life, a new relationship can only be a bonus, not a need.
Thank you for this beautiful comment. You are so right. We often focus on our partners and not on ourselves, and then we lose ourselves and our identity somewhere in the middle!
It's something I don't even want to think about, but no, I will not be able to function on my own. I will be useless because I depend on him way too much!
You will never be useless. Look at what you have achieved in life so far. Three beautiful brought up kids with the best mom in the world. You definitely underestimate yourself. You will be fine on your own.
My wife and I get on so well because we aren't afraid to give each other space when needed.
Brilliant...I spend a lot of time with my husband if we get the time, as he works very hard and we don't get to spend so much time together...although he goes fishing alone as that is not one of my hobbies..lol
It seems like a lot of couples have that problem.. but I wouldn't necessarily include everyone! There are some people who just share everything with their partner, but still make their own decisions and spend time with other people too, but then there are also couples, where one of them makes decisions and after living a life like this for a few years, it's hard for them to stand on their own two feet again!
Hahaha this actually sounds like my mom, she always asks us to make the decisions for her.
You are her children so you should help her...lol...
It is easy to fall into the rut of dependance. It is something I have always tried to avoid. It is all about having some respect for yourself and your own independance I find
Very very true!