I Thought I Was Never Going to Have Sex; A Tale of the Game

When I was young, I never thought I was going to have sex.  

I mean I thought about it a lot of the time, as teens are apt to do, but who would want to have sex with me? I wasn’t particularly good looking, not taller than average, shy, chubby, glasses – the whole nine yards. So I just hung out with my friends, played video games, did well in school, had a date or two – but no sex.  

After graduating high school I joined the military. Now the military was not a place for a guy like me to find someone, not since there are about 8 guys for every girl. Girls were even getting married before they arrived at their first duty station, that’s how much competition there was. So even after being at my first duty station for 5 years, which was in Delaware, I hadn’t had sex inside the borders of the USA.  

I had had sex though. 

Travelling to other countries was the groundbreaking experience I needed! In another country I was fresh, rare, different, even exotic in a sense. I still had no idea what I was doing but I was smart and could learn a decent amount of words in a short time. I also had a little pocket dictionary for translations that made conversation difficult, but kinda fun when we figured each other out.  

The first thing I did when I got back from my first trip was change my base preferences to overseas locations.  

On other trips, I would met someone who spoke English and liked the practice. I met ladies that, in America, were so far out of my ‘league’ that I was shocked and amazed they wanted to be with me. I felt like those ladies in military technical training school. What luck! 

Eventually my orders came through, I was transferred to England. 

The day I discovered “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” by @neilstrauss I changed strategy. I began to learn everything I could about being a pick up artist. I met some good guys from that scene, and went out often ‘on the pull’ as they say in England, with them as wingmen. I read and I practiced; peacocking, negging, displaying value – all of it.  

(Later on I even got to meet him when he was on tour in Cambridge, England. I shook his hand and he signed my copy of The Game.) 

I began to work out and lose weight. I watched ‘naturals’ do their thing in the bars. Using some connections I made I even hung out in London with some of the bigger named guys in that business. I did everything I could, I didn’t want to rely on just being from a different country, I wanted skills.  

All that stuff worked! My successes made me more confident. Being confident gave me more successes.

I was in a positive feedback spiral. Life was good. I began to have some relationships that lasted more than a night. Eventually I began to alternate the days when I would see the women. I found out the maximum women I could juggle was 3. If one stopped seeing me, it was ok, I could find another.  

You see, while I had been with some women now, I had never been in a real relationship. I wanted to have that deep connection to someone. I needed to mature. 

As it was, my time in England was coming to an end in a few short months, I had my orders. I also had a new message on OK Cupid. We messaged each other back and forth. A date was made.  After the date, she came back to my place. 

We stayed up and talked until 3am, even though it was a weekday and we both had to work in the morning. I kissed her goodbye. We had connected emotionally.  I opened up to her, I told her things I have told no one else. I became vulnerable. But my being vulnerable wasn’t that I was weak, it was strength! To deeply connect with someone you have to have the courage to be open and authentic, you have to hand her the knife and expose your heart. You have to risk being hurt.  

I moved away a couple weeks later, but our relationship didn’t end. She visited me. I visited her. I didn’t see anyone else, neither did she. Against all the long distance relationship difficulties, we made it work.  

I am grateful that Neil wrote that book. It put a goal in my head.  It gave me a direction to a path along an awesome trail. All the experiences along the way? That’s life happening.  

I love my wife, and we have shared so much together in our six years as a couple, two years married, and one year as parents together(with another on the way). I don’t think I could have played the game any better.  

After all “To win the game was to leave it.” - Neil Strauss