Local Literature Laughter

The Flathead Beacon Police Blotter

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Last summer my family took a big trip that looped up through Banff National Park in Canada and circled down through Glacier National Park in Montana. It was a week full of smelling like smores and enjoying some close to home gorgeous scenery. Whenever I am on a trip I always make it a point to grab a few handfuls of the local literature that peppers display racks in any touristy place. You can really get a sense of a place by reading through what the local folks that dwell there publish and promote to the public.

While I was in West Glacier, I happened upon a free periodical named the Flathead Beacon. The 60 plus page local info trove beckoned to me like a restaurant review and local wellness practitioner magnet, and before you could say huckleberry ice cream, I found myself perusing its over sized pages.

It was within the Beacon's illuminating bits of news and local chitter chatter, that I stumbled upon a gem that prompted me to save the paper for future reference: the Police Blotter page. I have meant to share its awesomeness with you all sooner, but the paper got shoved in among my other bits of travel detritus, and I just happened up on it again yesterday.

Most of the time I tend to skim over or skip the police blotter section of newspapers or other publications, not because I don't care, but because they tend to be composed and flow like a formulaic romance novel from the late 70's. The Flathead Beacon has raised the bar.

The Police Blotter section contains the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff's reports for a two day period. Here's the first entry that got me giggling:

"A man in Kila apparently got an early start on his Christmas tree hunt and drove onto another man's property, cut down a tree and took it home with him."

Snort This little incident reminded me of my dear friend @ddschteinn's most excellent tree toss series. Perhaps the tree bandit wanted get started on the tree tossing early, as this report was from June 12th.

I kept reading, the smile on my amused face growing with each ridiculous entry:

"8:22 p.m. A Columbia Falls man was shot with a BB gun while mowing his lawn."

"8:56 p.m. A Hungry Horse man was allegedly shooting out windows with a BB gun. It's unclear if he was also targeting people doing their chores."

Not your typical lawn maintenance hazard....unless you live in Flathead County!

Ah! HA HA! The dry wit needed to be in law enforcement, or at least report on it! Such airy sarcasm really mows me over.

However, it was near the end of the page that I found my favorite entry:

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"A Hungry Horse woman let a friend watch her dog when she left on vacation. Now that friend refuses to return the puppy."

I wonder if the two are still friends?

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Be careful who you leave your pets with!

LOL! Seriously though, the entire blotter is filled with non-sensical entries of human silliness that stupified me into disbelief at times.

As I reexamined the sacred periodical that contained the police blotter, I noticed something, a URL. I have to admit that I have spent the last fifteen minutes giggling at the entries, I mean what else would one do when they read gems like this:

"Someone in a Mickey Mouse jacket got into a fight."

I mean, that whole sentence brings to mind tons of relevant questions. Did he duck? Was someone acting goofy? Did he get knocked to Pluto and back? How did that jacket play into the equation? It's like the blotter author used to work for a sensationalist fish wrapper and flashes of their click-bait inspiring skills bleed through with every other entry or so. Perhaps the fabulous police blotter scribe is a disillusioned gossip columnist try to pay the rent on their cabin in the Glacier woods? I guess I will just have to keep reading and glean clues.

In the end, if you are feeling down about your life, I can guarantee you that ten minutes of reading the Flathead Beacon Police Blotter will make you feel a bit more pep in your step or less severe in your rear if you happen to be sitting on your flintlocks. Few things are a balm for an over-serious or burdened soul like perusing the non-sensical behavior of some of the more interesting inhabitants of a rural Montana county. I know I am going to be smiling not at all like this person:

Someone was almost shot because of a hug. Meth was involved.

The Flathead County Beacon Police Blotter

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And as always, unless otherwise cited, all of the images in this post were taken on the author's police report free and rather proud of it iPhone.

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