5 Sex Tips from Cosmo that will Hospitalize you

Just think of the many times that you have walked past the Cosmopolitan Magazines on your way out of the store, caring all of your bags and thinking: "There is this nonsense magazine helping girls bring out the sexual animal in their man"

Preferably not that kind :)  

Burred deep in their many and "intricate" advises there are some, that are borderline insane and are as close to ritual castration to the all powerful Cthulhi, as it can get. 

It is impossibru you say, please dear reader, let me show you the absolute genital horror emanating from those articles :)

Let's the fun begin: 

1. Pull his crotch hair

We start with something, which is relatively safe and won't bring a permanent damages to your "big boy"area.As it is evident from this great advice, it is strongly suggested that if you pull dude's precarious trail hair, he will instantly feel the greatest sexual arousal non to mankind!  

Imagine all the great feelings going trough his body

Hey, ladies, have you ever heard a guy use the expression, "He's got me by the short hairs"? Was the guy using it in a positive way? 

No, because it is meant to convey that this particular action causes so much pain, as a man personal sack can handle on its own. Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says, "Thanks, Grandma! This Xbox One S will really get me by the short hairs!" 

All right, so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it's basically pubes.  No one's going to publish "pull on his pubes" in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it, because it's horrible.What's especially diabolical about this advice is that it sounds fine leading up to it. We're all found for licking and tickling(not sure for that, either :) ). It's like they intentionally buried the painful tip under the good ones, like a well equipped, primed mine, ready to explode at your pulling fingertips.

2.Milk his Cow

I just even don't know from where to begin...

It is obvious that Steven is clearly pulling Cosmo by their noses, and I don't even now how this God Awful joke, that shouldn't be in any men vocabulary can be taken serious enough to be published, like really published! 

Just in case you can't imagine it

Let's brake down his 3 main point:

 1. "It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care." 

No, it doesn't. There is no part of our body we want you to be intentionally negligent with. Even if it's our shins we're talking about here, handle them with care. And when it comes to our genitals, multiply that by one thousand. 

 2. "Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive." 

Ladies, go watch an old episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. See how the guy doubles over and nearly vomits when hit with a light, plastic ball? Yes, our units are fucking that sensitive. 

 3. "We need you to get a little rough with them--squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he'd request more, more." 

 That last bit is your best clue. "I guarantee if you asked..." No need to ask before you abuse his junk, ladies! Just assume he'll answer in the affirmative. His screaming means it's working! 

3. Handle his manhood like it is Joystick

I had to include this one, because it sounds like the best joke you can hear today :) 

After the pulling of genital hair, making you feel like a cow is being milked it will be the most genital feeling of the night, if she steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP"sounds, hell it will be strange, but if you think about it, also kind of funny( or it is just me :) ) 

"Yes, honey, that's great. Play Space Invaders with my wang. I just have to catch my breath here. Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."

4. Give him an orgasm, with the power of...Sneezing

 This seems to derive from the retarded sex myth that, physiologically, a sneeze is somehow "1/7th of an orgasm,"  which is as advance as thinking about sex, as the main protagonist from "American Pie" can get, in the beginning of the movie.

 That aside, have you ever enjoyed sneezing? Have you ever looked forward to getting a cold for the pant staining pleasure of it? You may think this one is tame compared to the others, but you're not fully picturing the scenario. One wrong move and you either have an eye or a sphincter full of pepper, both of which are going to create that non-sexy crying and panicked flushing of the area with water. 

5. In the end...Just put him in the Hospital

For those of you who never had older brothers or sisters for that matter, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian Rugburn. I am not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Rugburn or a Southeast Asian Rugburn, but that's irrelevant because when done to your manhood it would need a new term completely. Something like, "A crime a million times worse than genocide, performed directly to my nether region"

It so heinous that it is even included as bully technique in video games

I am not even joking at this point. Seriously, don't do this. This was probably banned by the Geneva Convention as an inhumane torture technique. They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them.

Somewhere, somehow Cosmo has provided some perfect gentlemen with the "experience"  of a lifetime! 

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And don't forget to have fun!