When you are lost, how do you find youself ?

in life •  11 months ago

I don't know who I am. I thought I did, but it turned out that it was all just a lie. For most of my life I having been living in the shadow of someone else. When times got tough, this person disappeared, which wasn't really surprising to me in the grand scheme of things. Sadly this person took my loneliness and desperation to their own advantage, leading me on, just to drop me on my head right at the point when I was begging to think that this person truly cared about me.

It is sad how some people select to have children, but in turn have no idea how much of a responsibility it is to mange and raise them properly. Some parents seem angry that their children simply don't raise themselves and over time feel that they are more of a burden and inconvenience than a treasured asset. Though my situation may not be a conventional one - I know that some people have the luxury of being raised by two caring individuals, who put their emotions and considerations on the backburner for at least the first 18 years; some of us on the other-hand, are not so lucky.

Some of us spend our later years trying to figure out why we were not worthy of being loved and why we were so disposable. I know that I was raised by two narcissists, it makes sense now that I am older, that these two people were truly made for each other. One a pill popping drug addict - who never managed to get out of bed,the other a self-absorbed businessman who could never admit to his failures and always refused to get a job, dependent on social services and family members to raise his family, rather than himself, always threatening abandonment, if he was forced to get a conventional job.

Though be it as it may, the past was the past, but sometimes when you only have yourself and not a single soul in the world to talk to about these issues and emotions, you cant help but dwell on the past. Though you may be able to numb the emotions for a hour or a day by self-medicating, eventually the effects of these illicit substances wear off and your are forced to face these daemons over again.

Its funny how messed up ones life can turn out. As a child you have so many aspirations and dreams. Sadly, for the majority of us, it is doesn't take long before these dreams fade and we fall victim to just trying to survive, encapsulated by the monotonous grind that we call life, punching our ticket, to a dead end job, that will probably never provide us with anything more than a basic roof over our head and food in our stomach.

For now, I just prey for an early exit. I don't see myself coming upon that eureka moment any time soon. Its not like I have systemically made attempts to be a failure at life. Its not like I went out of my way to be bullied, socially excluded and ostracized. Sometimes, we are simply just a victim of circumstances. For in the game of life, we need winners and losers. It is obvious that there is simply not enough of everything to go around - whether that be love or acceptance or success, sadly some of us are starved of all three. If it wasn't for people like me, people like you wouldn't have everything that you have.

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Sounds kinda like me in a way. Upvote+Promote from one societal reject to another :)


Thanks for the support. I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting as well.

Reading this feels like a nice punch to the neck.

I get pretty close to ending it every month. Never tried luckily. I'm 28 years in and still hoping I grow out of hating everything about myself and wanting to die.