am I a black whole?

story of my past years - being spiritual and all that jazz, yahyah. I mainly write this, because maybe it can help others. maybe it works.

I have so many things to tell you and I know my way I have been walking the last couple of years will at some point help people feel courageous enough, to follow their dream. We live in a very intens, strange, and challenging time. The United States are in turmoil and on the border of a split of their population. The EU is struggling - many countries fall in hyper inflation due to US Dollar crisis. There is tons of people doing daily efforts in order to help people to know what is going on, to educate people, to prepare people and themselves. While we are still seen as conspiracy theorist, I still keep going on my personal progress and growth, bashing many of my fears, my anxieties and old believes that no longer serve me so I can understand, help and support people that go through the processes I went through.

I live with a person that many people may call a shaman! But let me start with how I ended up here. I was traveling for about two years and that alone could be a story of itself. After teaching highschool kids about math, music, and life, I realized, that something is very off in our world. I kept having this call to leave all, take my belongings and go out into this world and search the truth, the reason for being. First I thought, I just have to do this in order to calm my brain and my imagination of finding peace, joy and eternal happiness. I left for a year, a struggling time for myself as I encountered some of my darkest fears - being just by myself. I maybe should say that I have OCD - which was never diagnosed because I could somewhat hide it outside my family. But that too is another story. So while traveling, I realized that it is incredibly hard for me to take any desicion that doesn't include considering anyone else. Which means, I realized that any desicion I took previously, I did because I did consider someone else. I didn't take desicions just for myself. Realizing this and feeling stuck with myself, I felt pretty lost and alone - until I finally after months of traveling through Australia, I had one enlighting thought. I sat in Tonga, a small Island in the south pacific, and I heard a voice tell me: It is all your choice. Love yourself.
I had to get to the point of loving myself. And this process, which has been going on for three years now, I guess is the one we all have to go through, before we really can feel happy, fulfilled. How else can you feel happy and joyful every moment in life, other than when you are happy and in love with yourself every moment and with any kind of desicion or action you take? Happiness isn't out there. It is in you. If you can't accept who you are and work on how you choose to respond to things, how do you think happiness can find you? You are always with yourself, you always hear your thought and feel your emotions, right? So let go of thinking any of it is wrong and, more importantly, stop waisting your time to make other people give you what you can't give yourself. they can't make you happy, they won't ever "get" you. Sounds tough, but boy it is liberating. Be who you are and be proud of it because that is exactly how you are meant to be. Sounds good? Good. The tricky part however is to fully integrate this and debunk all your programs that you implemented from early childhood and find the "believes" that no longer serve you. This can cause masive shifts in your life - but it's ok, cause you are on the right path.

I say this because it took me such a long time to forgive me for being who I am. I can be strange, I can be tough, I can be very occupied and distracted. It is how my brain works. It runs all possibilities, it reads every action and reaction of humans, it considers all it can, which leads me to not knowing what it is, that I want or that is good for me. When I play the piano and people talk to me, I listen but I can't respond. It just doesn't come up in my brain. I can get so distracted in my imagination, that people often laughed at me being so spaced. It took me a long time to get over my guilt and shame and fears, that I am a misfit, a weirdo, that I don't care to much about sexual preferences, that I don't really care about showing my feminine site, that my inner child is very afraid of human beings, of showing my true inner self. Why? Well, I got to know that people can be assholes. Especially if you are an empathic being, on top of being a libra. But it doesn't matter. Important is to get this: how can the world know you and respect the true you, if you can't show it and respect yourself? Yes, this is in your face. It is the fast road to happiness. fast but burning like hell.

After my travels I couldn't go back to work. I did though because I needed money, but something was pulling me away from "home" again. I felt like I would have to go and travel again, but I also knew that it is not the distraction of constant change in my surroundings that are the reason for that pulling as I knew, it was just an illusion - preventing me from getting bored and feeling stuck in one place. So yes, I was confused. Being at home, having a good job where people like me and desire my work and want me to stay, with friends and family, didn't feel right, but I also knew that traveling off isn't a solution. I felt like I am dying every day I stay and feel stuck, yet I didn't know what else to do. Finally, after a year of small travels to the U.S. and africa, I decided to fly to Peru. For about six months I kept seeing pictures, documentaries and essays around and about ayahuasca and it caught my attention the very first time I saw it back in 2008 in a documentary about shamans.
So I went to Peru. I really thought that maybe this ayahuasca could help me figure out what I am, why I am and where I should go. It was intens, it was needed, but it wasn't a solution. It can't be. It can only help, and this is after all my biggest advise I can give. There is no need for it as it can't solve problems only you can solve. But it can show you a picture of where you're at and what you might want to embrace.
After this trip - a three month trip through the moutains of peru, its northern coast and ecuador - I flew back to the U.S. It was an intens time in peru, with a month of diarrhea, several moments of absolute hopelessnes, pain, the wish to die. I knew death is not a solution either, but the pure experience of being existant hurt too much. I remember one day, where my body felt so bad and I vomited and had diarrhea and was so low on energy that I couldn't move for two hours straight. I needed to get up though. I lied on the beach, and I just gave up. I asked myself, what if all these people that told me there is God and Love and Mother Earth and it (he she, them, whatever) that takes care of me, are right, then why do I suffer so much? I imagined God and me talking to him, and the first thing I said, was: " if this really is life, if I am really ment to feel and experience this, if it really just takes everything from me and makes it meaningless to me, than I am done with it, take me and let me go. If this is life then I don't want it. Fuck you! seriously." - and in that very moment I heard a voice in my head - which I haven't experienced in this way before, and it told me: "ah - finally. Now you are real."
It was a great release, even if I still don't totally grasp, what happened.
But my travels went on. I participated in a ten day silent meditation called vipassana, maybe the best thing I have ever done for myself. I haven't had, after all the shamanism, the ayahuasaca and all these healings, soul gatherings, extatic dances and whatnot, any experience close to what I experienced during sitting still for ten days and not judge. I can only recommend it.
By that time I already had booked a flight to Guatemala City. Why? Well, somewhere on that trip through Peru I dreamt about it. I was sitting on top of a mountain, overlooking a lake with hills and volcanoes in the background. It was a beautiful scenery. There was an old man standing next to me, I knew him somehow. He showed me this place and then told me something, short but from a place of pure compassion, and I understood. I just felt - this makes sense. I woke up, and without knowing anything really about Guatemala, I knew this was the place I had to go. So I booked a flight without researching the country. I had no clue what I was doing and I've never done such a thing before, but it felt right.
And that is how I met the doctor. I flew down south, into Guatemala City - and what a contrast it was after 10 days of pure silence. I got very anxious and had no idea what I am supposed to do in this country. It was so hard on me, that even climbing a mountain or discovering the jungle, ruins, cities, markets - it all became so absolutely pointless because I knew, even if I would be on top of every mountain, if I'd see the most beautiful ruin, if I'd swim in every river, I'd just come down that top of the mountain, come out of that river and I'd ask myself that very same question: and now what? what should I do with all this? So I just sat down and did nothing. For four weeks I stayed in a village. I got up, ate something, maybe did some kind of exersice like yoga, meditation, swimming, taking pictures. But it was calm inside of me. One time, joining one of these extatic dances, I felt so much hate and hopelessnes as everybody seemed so happy and full of love except me, that I couldn't bear myself anymore. It felt as if I fell down into a neverending black hole, as if insanity was my only companion. I started bleeding out of my nose, I cried, for hours I watched a tree and felt empty. Just empty, falling into this nonsense. Everything around me became pointless, every action, interaction, it all was but illusions for something that could prevent me from accepting the insanity of life: that nothing really meant anything. You might think I am depressed or just really negative. But it isn't really my nature. As a kid I loved my life, I loved women, I loved sports, food, animals, to rebel. I loved it all. And I actually still do. But somehow I am meant to experience these deep black spaces within my own being.

So after these three years of suffering and trying to find what my purpose is, what could give me fulfillment, I sat on that lake on which the village was built, overlooking the scenery, sensing a big hole inside of my heart that I knew, can't be filled with anything - ever. It was that time when I gave up. I didn't ask anymore, I didn't hope anymore, I didn't search anymore. I just sat there and accepted that maybe out of all people, out of all the bliss and light, I am the one that can't ignore the ridiculousness of it all, that can't hide from the insanity of being alive, from the pain of existance. I just sat there and surrendered, that afer all, I failed and still had empty hands and no answer to any of my questions. I surrendered to these feelings. I gave up, I let the fear be felt, the anxiety be acknoleged. I gave up control and could suddenly enjoy this feeling of deep peace. It wasn't up to me anymore to figure it out. I accepted the fact that I can't figure it out, that I can just surrender. The pain was so deep, that there was nothing left to do. My heart bled out. It was that moment I thought I can just go home. It was that moment I encountered the doctor.

He is a seer. Just like me. A shaman. A frontrunner. Everybody said he could see auras and help. But at the time I wasn't looking for help anymore as I accepted my defeat. A friend of mine wanted to se him so I brought her there. The doctor wasn't home. We waited until he showed up. He saw me, took a step back and said: "I know you! Who are you?". I felt heat running through my whole body, looking into these eyes that were beyond any eyes I have ever seen. Such a clear look that penetrated my whole being. I knew, I can't hide anything from this person, I knew he knew. It was as if he would talk to me without words, I instantly wanted to stay here and be around him for as long as I could. I wanted to know him, learn all he had to offer. I don't know why, but I knew he is powerful and that there is a reason why I am here. He hugged me and started to talk to me. He said: the last couple of years have been tough with traveling all around the globe, trying to find an answer of what your purpose is on this planet. You came here to take in the energy of this place, but you don't know why you are here. You feel seperated, you can't connect with the people because you feel their judgement and you think it is your fault for feeling feelings like anger, rejection, etc. But you sense it right.". I had tears in my eyes. He - within 5 minutes - nailed my whole current state of existence. So I moved in for two weeks.

Since then, I stayed in contact with him and lived with him for about 8 months now. Since then many things happened. I invested in crypto currencies, I started to blog about our work, I split up with a woman I really thought was my soulmate. I started to trust in the universe and that it will provide all I need. And it did so far. And every day it gets better. It is tough, I cried a lot, missed my family and friends, my sanity, a home. I had emotional and mental break downs, anxiety attacks. But it is all part of me. It is all teaching me to just let go, to breath and allow myself to love myself.
I suffer from OCD. The doctor says, it is a gift. Who knows. I learn to accept that some things are beyond my control and that I can let go. I learned that I can always decide to love life and myself, in every second.

And that is what cures me. It is - in all the failure, the defeats, the misunderstandings, my attacks, it is my choice to love myself for who I am that keeps me alive. I know I have a lot to give. I was a natural in music with people suggesting to become a proffessional, I was amongst the best athletes of my country, I dated every girl in my class in primary school. But yet, while I am loved by all these people, I in all these years couldn't convince one single person: myself. I always saw a negative part in what I did, no matter what it was. And this desicion, to wait for my own approval, bound my hands and knocked me on the floor over and over. To come to this truth was very painful. But yah yah, that is how it goes. But how much compassion do I learn from it - I mean, I understand people that can't get along in life, because I know how it feels if you constantly fight against yourself - the only one you always have arround.

So yeah, better start loving yourself man. It isn't wrong, it isn't bad, it's is but normal. Why shouldn't we?

So yeah. If you read until here, something seems to attract you to what I have to say. Keep going, you beautiful soul! Know that you can't miss, you can't fail. Know that you are loved.

I know these times are hard and especially if you are a starseed (empathic being that came back to the planet to help lift the vibration). We came back - voluntarily - to help, so our kids wouldn't have to go through the same. So take a breath and be proud of you. I am proud of me, that after all, I am still going, feeling better than I did before. I can now say: I love myself, even with my strange nature. Step by step, I can let go of my fear, my guilt, my shame. And every time I do, a part of me comes back, gets integrated and loved. I feel more and more complete and I wish this for everybody out there that suffers. Know that suffering is a sign of integration, expansion. Don't fight it, don't second guess it. You are on the right path - it only requires you to let go and accept the lesson. And one day you might realize that that innocent, inner child in you wants nothing else than being loved while being itself - and that is exactly how it's supposed to be! You are unique and you have a lot to give. Know that you are you for some reason!

Ok this was some serious shit now, honestly. But hey, I mean if these words somehow can help one person, motivate one sould, encourage one living being, then that's awesome (even though I sometimes ask myself: what does that do after all too? hehe - my brain).