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RE: What lead me to finally stop trying to kill myself and say "Eh, fuck it".
You should look into stoicism. Read Oliver Burke's The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking. Surprisingly very good and so much better than the insufferable Gretchen Rubin.
Ignore this happiness trend that seems to be sweeping the world. It's bullshit. Life is real, not a series of Hallmark commercials. Studies prove that creativity is often borne from intense, even depressive or traumatic feelings, so there's that as well.
Haha, I tell myself that often. My best art comes from some really dark places and I fine the "happy thoughts" movement condescending. So is the idea that your "positive feelies" can change your reality indefinitely. Suffering exists in great quantities in the world. Yes, there can also be joy, sure but it is not realistic to try to make your reality entirely positive. I will definitely check that book out as I trust your recommendation.