When I just started my business, I said yes to anything that came my way. As soon as a client would call I would stop what I was doing and go help my client straight away. An understandable behavior for anybody that is just starting out but it’s something I had to unlearn later because it would stress me out.

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Me on this great saturday morning. I just finished writing this. I seriously need a haircut soon.

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If you are not used to saying No it’s a difficult thing to learn. It was for me. All kinds of irrational thoughts will go through your mind. The biggest one being: ‘people won’t like me if I say No’.

I have been experimenting with saying No for a while now and the result is that it’s not bad at all. In fact, it’s better than not bad. Saying No is great. It gives you back control over your life and your time.

Fearing a client’s call

I work in IT. A client’s call would trigger a Pavlov reaction in me. I would stop what I was doing and go to the client’s house straight away. My clients got used to this. And because they got used to this I got afraid that if I didn’t go straight away every time they would find somebody else.

Some clients amplified this fear by saying ‘your response time is usually faster’ when it wasn’t physically possible for me to help them straight away.

I got so stressed by my own behavior because all the time in the back of my mind was this thought: If a client calls I must go.

It was a constant pressure I put on myself and it was crushing me, especially because I was getting more and more clients. It became impossible for me to relax with this pressure looming over me.

I had to change this.

Saying no to a client the first time

When I said ‘No, I can’t come now’ (when I could have), to a client the first time I was convinced he would get angry and find somebody else. But all he said was. Ok, so when can you come? That’s it.

I made an appointment for later that week and it was fine. I thought it was something amazing I did at the time. (And it was because I was taking control of my time.)

It was a learning process. I still said yes when I wanted to say no because some clients can be very convincing. They gave me the full drama package and guilt will make you do things you don’t want to do. But in the end, I also learned to coop with this as well.

I became relaxed again because I already knew, before a client called in the evening (for instance), I wouldn’t go there the same night. I no longer feared calls.

No is a perfectly good answer

Because I learned how to say no in business I’m also better at it in my private life and it’s liberating.

I think my biggest fear saying no in my private life was the fear that the other person will not like me anymore (a guilty feeling). This fear is so irrational. You don’t always have to conform to somebody else’s plan. It doesn’t make sense.

When I’m invited to a party by friends or family but I’m dead tired from work and know I need rest. I kindly thank them for the invitation but decline. I don’t lie or make up things.

When a marketer calls me up when I’m busy I tell them straight away (within seconds) No, I’m busy.

When a friend sends me a text to ask if he can come around for a drink but I want to spend my evening with Bianca because I haven’t seen her all week I tell them about my plans.

Never has this hurt any of my relationships with friends or family. And, why should it? I don’t mind when others say no to me. I'm so happy I learned this.

Saying No is a good way to take back control of your life. I don’t mean you must say no all the time. I love spending time with my friends and family too. But sometimes you need some time for yourself and learning to say No can help you a lot.

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