I just nursed my last child for the last time.

Ah. This feels so strange. Very bittersweet... but I know in my gut that it's time.

I had planned to nurse my oldest until she was a year, but then it turned into a very gradual weaning that lasted until 18 months. I finally cut out the last feeding when we left her with grandparents for a weekend to go to a wedding. I just didn't nurse her when I came home.

Now my son is 18 months and I have been so much more reluctant and attached with him. He's sick all of the time as most daycare attending babies are, and in those times it always seems like nursing him is what he needs. He's gotten most of his teeth but there are a few more molars that give him hell off and one, and I know that nursing is soothing for that... yea I am wrapped around his chubby little finger.

But he's been pretty healthy lately, and has had a few late summer nights out where he's passed out and been put down without nursing and was good with it. Now just yesterday we made plans for our kids to spend two nights with grandma and grandpa so we can have a little time to celebrate our anniversary and husband's birthday. Having two full nights away from him took me straight back to that last weekend cutting the cord with my daughter, and I had a gut impulse that it was the right time. Since it was a bit of an impulsive decision for me I am feeling a bit sad about it.

I have been wanting to start slowly having my amalgam fillings removed with (safe dentist) because I believe that the lifelong seepage of mercury into my gums and blood stream has contributed to various health issues for me. When mercury fillings are removed even in a safe environment it still exposes your body to a higher than normal levels and there isn't a lot of research on how that affects breast milk or how long it takes for the levels to go back down.

I have had for a couple of years now, a tiny cyst just above my collar bone. I've been waiting a long time between pregnancy and nursing to have that removed because of the topical anesthesia I'll be given.

It's going to be really really nice to have my boobs stabilize to one size so I can get refitted and get some nice bras.

It will be awesome if some more of those supposed "milk fat" my body is currently holding finally drops off. The last bit of baby weight has been much more stubborn with #2.

Not having to plan for nursing or compensating for a bottle at bedtime will make it so much easier if we want to leave the kids with babysitters to go see a movie or something.

No more pumping!!

But...

I am so going miss that bonding time. Skin to skin with this little guy who simultaneously looks just like his sister and a mini version of his dad, my other two favorite people. Looking into each others eyes, well all those mommy-love hormones surge.

I often feel very in tune with my energy in those evening routines in the rocking chair. I cam literally feel my body exuding love for him. When I really focus on that it feels like I am Care Bear staring my heart right at him, and I truly believe that he is receiving it and that his emotional health and sense of security will benefit from it.

I am going to miss when I grab his little foot and sniff it and then make a P.U. face and he grins without losing his grip and then keeps shooting his foot into my face so I will do it again.

I am going to miss feeling like by nursing through illness whether it be him or myself that I feel like as a mom I am able to do something proactive for him, getting him the customized antibodies he needs to strengthen his immune system.

I am going to miss my quiet time letting a babe doze off in my arms while I catch up with social media and all of the articles I save to read later.

If and when he fusses in those first few nights I put him down without it, it's definitely going to break my heart a little bit.