That Moment When Reality is Better Than Fiction

This is a 100% true story. Well, ok, maybe 99.5%. Names were changed.

I am going to be Maid of Honor for my bestie-- we've been friends since 2nd grade.

For two, almost three years, she's dated a guy she and I went to school with, Jay. Jay is divorced with two kids, just like her. They went through a community program to build a house... so Rosie put in the building effort, Jay footed the bill. They moved in with his parents to save up money for when the house was completed. His mom is passive-aggressive and very over-bearing. I played therapist to Rosie because of how much a bitch his mother is... never "the kids" but "her kids and my grandkids". She told my friend that she was going to turn into a pill popping junkie just like Jay's ex (who got booted out of her class reunion for getting too smashed, mixing pills & booze) ... while living in his parent's house, Jay found out his kids have a genetic disease which means they'll be on weekly enzyme treatments for life to help stave off the effects.

Jay freaked out.

Jay freaked out to the point of where he broke up with Rosie when her kids were 2000 miles away visiting their father. Two weeks before the new house was completed. He said it was so he could focus on his kids, who were to have surgery to place stints in their abdomens for the weekly treatments. Stressed out is a mild way to describe how Jay felt. He told Rosie it was his burden to carry alone. That his kids needed him more than she did.

She moved out of his parent's place and in with her mildly psychotic sister next door. Within a week, she had her own apartment and a new job. He always found a reason to stop by to say hello to her. For three weeks he always found a reason to go over to her place and see her. Then one day, he told her that she needed to get over him. A wtf moment ensued.... she wanted space to heal, and he was the one going out of his way to see or touch her.

Then a week of silence.

One day as she and a mutual friend were shooting the shit at her place, she gets a call from Jay, saying that he was on his way over and that they had to talk. Rosie didn't like the sound of that and had our mutual friend, Helena, hide in a closet.

What then happened got texted to me via Helena, because I was told not to text Rosie because Jay was there.

He literally got on his knees and begged Rosie to take him back. He cried (the man is almost pure testosterone, very macho) and said that he's sorry.

"Tell me...If you don't love me, I will leave right now. I know where my home is, it's with you. I never came back for a girl before." - As transcribed by Helena

I then got texted "ewwwwwww! they're kissing! she's caving in!"

But the kicker to this whole convoluted tale is that Helena passed gas whilst in that tiny closet. Apparently it was most foul. And evidently the closet door squeaks... so to keep her hidey-hole secret, she couldn't even crack the door for fresh air.

She sat in her personal gas chamber while Rosie and Jay consummated their make up.

Helena was never partial to Jay anyhow, so it was akin adding insult to injury.

So, when they get back into the living room, Jay told Rosie that he wanted to marry her... he wasn't ready yet... but he definitely wanted to marry her and keep her always. That he couldn't build that house because the woman he built it for wasn't going to live in it. He needed her to make that house into a home. It'd be empty without her.

Then Helena was caught by Jay. Apparently her noxious fumes were so much that she coughed... and he was surprisingly not angry (as all had assumed he would be)... he told Rosie that he understood why she was there. Maybe he got a whiff of the homemade mustard gas and figured that was punishment enough.

So I was informed that when they do make things official, that I'm supposed to be the Maid of Honor, unless I wanted to marry them (I'm legal for the state of Cali to marry peeps)... I'll take Maid of Honor. I missed her first wedding because she couldn't stand my ex husband. Like hell I'm missing this one!

I told my friends I appreciated the potential novel fodder... because it was hilarious! Best Friday night entertainment I've had in a long while.

Rosie and Jay, I salute you.