Why Family Should NOT be the most important people in your life... necessarily. Blood is thicker than milk.
(https://www.thinglink.com/scene/783873295362555904)
The American Dream has always created a hostile goal for people who either can't or choose not to fulfill it. Mom and Dad and 2.(something) kids... white picket fence... dog... whatever.
This idealized image of the family is just an imagined creation.
Start with Mom and Dad. We live now in a world where it might be Mom and Mom or Dad and Dad or Insert Gender Identity here and Insert Gender Identity here. And that's okay.
There is also no reason to expect parents to be any good at parenting. Procreating simply involves him finding the ability to put peg a in some her hole b. Having created a child confers no skills or even hope for skills to properly raise and care for that same child.
Many get it wrong... some, horribly wrong.
We have abuse, neglect, apathy, psychological illness, absenteeism, and more. So regardless of who are the genetic donors, and how they donate, we have no right to imagine that things are going to go well.
(https://www.emaze.com/@ACCCRTOT)
Yet we cast great stigma on those who do not fulfill this definition of family. I have great friends who decided not to have children. They were apprehensive when they met me because I was on the way to my current 12 children (plus one outlaw). They were pleasantly surprised when I cared nothing about their family plans. I thought it was odd, because what right to I have to dictate what is right for another individual. They were shocked because it seems everyone else on the planet did care about their family plans. Insisting they would be great parents, etc.. They got constant pressure that drove them crazy, and simply by respecting their choices in life, I started on the right foot in a relationship I cherish to this day.
(https://www.pinterest.com/pin/271341946268934120/)
Similarly, children are raised with the misconception that family is everything. I often council that good family might well be everything, but even then, is it not ridiculous to expect that your family, simply by sharing some genetic information, will be closer to you than your chosen friends? You have 50% of your father's DNA, 50% of you mother's, and it can vary from 0% to 100% similarity with any siblings. None of this potential commonality has anything to do with liking them, or their ability to love, care, support, mentor, and nurture you.
So for those with great families... good for you! How nice. But for those with no family, abusive, neglectful, absentee families, stop believing the lie that somehow you must have "family" to be healthy, happy, and normal. Let yourself off the hook. There is no justifiable reason to believe this is the norm, no matter what "Leave it to Beaver" or "Father Knows Best" or "The Cosby Show" might have tried to teach you. It's made up. Nice if it works out... but shouldn't be expected.
(https://www.biography.com/news/the-cosby-show-cast-where-are-they-now-20814793)
I always kind of knew this instinctively... but what do I know? I'm just a guy. So at one point in my youth, I started to research the odd saying "Blood is thicker than water" which seems always to be used to support the importance of family over, well, water. But as I started searching, I found an Arab saying that made so much more sense.
It goes, "Blood is thicker than milk." This means that those you swear allegiance to, as in a blood oath, are more important than those you suckled the breast with, or she whose breast you suckled. This rang very true to me. Further looking suggested that another interpretation of the whole blood and water thing was actually saying the same thing. Those you choose to have in your company (blood oath again) are more important than those whom you passed through the waters of the womb with (brothers and sisters) and she whose water contained you.
(http://www.funnyjunk.com/The+more+you+tumblr/funny-pictures/4991480/)
This further fits with the saying of Jesus in the Christian scriptures who says :
Matthew 12:47-50King James Version (KJV)
47 Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee.
48 But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?
49 And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!
So we have cross cultural, historical, sage proverbs that suggest that our real family, the real important people in our lives are those we bond to and live our lives with, whom we share our bread and our ideas and our beliefs with.
This does NOT mean that those who share genetics with us are excluded to second rate associates. It may be that we are fortunate enough that not only do we share DNA coding, but a "blood" relationship as well, where we can have that intimacy.
The Key is.... it is family who may be adopted into our blood family... not the other way around. This provides freedom for those who have been mislead and openly lied to, who haven't milk/water relatives that are worth sharing their ongoing lives with. These are of second importance anyway!!!!! Don't live your life in regret that your milk/water family aren't good enough for you. Surround yourself with those you'd be comfortable creating a blood oath.... become a blood licker (a name for those who lick each other's blood as a means of bonding).
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It's okay to love your family... if they are lovable. But please, free yourself of the expectations of society that would cast a shadow on your life just because that isn't true. It should be of no more dismay than that your first car turned out a lemon. Cast it away, and get a new one!
This:
So for those with great families... good for you! How nice. But for those with no family, abusive, neglectful, absentee families, stop believing the lie that somehow you must have "family" to be healthy, happy, and normal. Let yourself off the hook. There is no justifiable reason to believe this is the norm, no matter what "Leave it to Beaver" or "Father Knows Best" or "The Cosby Show" might have tried to teach you. It's made up. Nice if it works out... but shouldn't be expected.
And this:
It's okay to love your family... if they are lovable. But please, free yourself of the expectations of society that would cast a shadow on your life just because that isn't true.
Yes, yes, yes. I am so grateful for your elaboration on this topic. This piece is full of compassionate gems. I feel like we could write back and forth on this for awhile. I may have a post simmering in my mind on how we "assemble" non-blood families today.
You are always too kind, and I appreciate your generous comments. I can't wait to read what's churning in your thoughts. If we could help free people from the "obligation" of having perfect milk/water families, which are rarely the case if we're honest, and allow them to feel just as accomplished and successful in their relationships when dealing with chosen tribe members, then this could relieve a great deal of stress and prevent the endless and sometimes hopeless pursuit of people's affection who haven't the ability to give it properly.
I am really thinking on this. I thought for sure something wiuld come out today, but this is a very resonant topic for me. I’m glad you’re willing to read. I will see if it feels good to write tomorrow!
I was very lucky. I grew up in a very stable, happy, healthy household that supported my hopes and dreams, gave me love, discipline and tons of self-esteem. I never wanted for anything, but was never made to believe that I would just be handed everything. I learned what is to earn things, to be decent, open-minded, speak my mind and to be compassionate. I did this in a household that wasn't like the Cosby Show though. My parents divorced when I was four. I grew up in a household with a successful, working mother who did not bake cookies and knit. She was a classy, passionate, well-spoken, corporate mom who balanced work with also being at each and every school function I entered. I also grew up with my grandparents in my household. Two, refined, retired folks that taught me all about politics, social justice, how to throw a fabulous dinner party and how to treat your neighbors. My father lived in a different state, but he taught me how to be determined, stand my ground and to never let a guy be disrespectful. I had a an aunt that lived three hours away that was intricately a part of my life as well. She taught me about art. comedy, creativity and free-thinking. All of those people in my life have passed away.
I say all this to also say; family isn't about blood at all. Even though I had a really wonderful upbringing, I have friends in my life that are closer to me than any family that I have now. They have been with me threw thick and thin. I can call on them whenever and they can do the same. Family has zero to do with your DNA. Family is about a commitment. It is about support and love. It is about an embracing into someone's life.
Sometimes, family can be the worst! There are some members of my own family that I choose to love from a distance. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean that you must suffer in their presence. You can cut them loose. Anyone that continues to bring you undue stress and strife does not deserve to be in your life just because you share DNA.
I often find that we seem to lower the bar when it comes to family. We hold our standards very high on what we will or will not accept from co-workers, friends or significant others...but when it comes to family we seems to shift. We seem to almost justify or expect family to treat us otherwise. I do not agree with this. If anything, family should hold themselves to a higher standard. However, just as you said, it is perfectly okay to just move on! Great post!!!!!
Thank you for the kind words and the excellent, personal anecdote to illustrate the point. I think not only is the depth of understanding you illustrate important for our selves, but it is important that we change the paradigm in our Nation because the ongoing perpetuation of the illusion that families should be perfect and that having a supportive family is paramount is destroying so many people who are living the reality that this isn't true. It is so horrible how many people I know who have varying degrees of broken families and suffer from not just the dysfunction itself, but the added stress/concern that they are to blame or that it makes them a bad person, etc... We need to be free from these artificial Hallmark fantasies.
Agreed! No one's family is picture perfect. No one should be beat themselves up or feel any type of stress or pain because their family does not reflect families from television shows. That simply isn't reality. People are flawed and imperfect and they have children and grandchildren. Just because we may come from dysfunction doesn't mean that we are automatically dysfunctional and it does not mean that we must stay in the presence of dysfunction.
I am so glad to have found you through @shawnamawna. She's such an amazing community builder!
I feel fortunate to have been born into a loving family, but for my friends who do not have loving families I absolutely echo your assertion that you can "cast it away, and get a new one!"
@shawnamawa is gifted and her thoughtful approach to both art and healing in others is what steemit should be founded. Your finding me, however, is hardly as notable. I'm just and old man trying to never stop growing so my children can be better people than I've ever managed to be. Your kind words are very much appreciated.
I think finding you is absolutely notable. I'm not one to believe in coinsidence :)
Thank you for your profound kindness. You bless me with your words.
One outlaw?
I have not heard it until now but I love blood is thicker than milk. I, too, have created my own family. I call @jewels3 my Sister from another Mister ;) I have left some DNA sharers- I went through Great Purging where I removed all toxic people from my life.
My family now, some blood DNA some not, is perfect. Not one of them is perfect, but we are perfect together <3
I guess the proper term is "in-law"... My oldest son is married... But outlaw is just the type of crew we are. I hate that there had to be toxicity at all in your life, but how shiney to have cleansed that out and to have surrounded yourself with people like @jewels3 and others that fortify rather than degrade your life. Thank you for reading.
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