6 Degrees Of Integration - Family
This is the third article from the series 6 Degrees Of Integration. There is a list of all the articles that are part of this series at the end of the post.
Context-Dependent Value, Intention Inertia and Flawed Hardware and Software
In the first post we briefly discussed how value is entirely subjective, context-dependent and how context has an inherent inertia. Our intentions to modify the environment will always have a certain time to manifest and that time depends on the value we have and how adapted that value is to that specific context.
The only thing that we can modify instantly is how we feel and what we do about our current situation, which obviously won’t change the situation instantly, but it will shape the value we create in order to change that situation.
In the second post we looked at how flawed our hardware (body) and software (mind) are, when you really look at them. One of them is inherently limited - incomplete sensors and very fast degrading cycle - and the other one cannot cognize anything without being taught first (dependent arising).
To overcome these problems, one must always be cautious about what he perceives through his senses - the flawed hardware - and about what he understands from that picture - the flawed software.
Don’t believe everything you see and everything you think.
In the introductory post I also talked about the 6 levels at which we can intervene in order to shorten the time between our intentions and their manifestations, based on the above model.
In today’s post we’ll talk about the second level: family.
The Three Stages Of Family - Child, Adult and Elder
The first circle of people with whom you interact when you’re not alone, by yourself, it’s what we call family. Family, as a concept, took many forms throughout history, and even today it is a very diverse concept. “Traditional” male-female couple, same sex parents, polyandry, polygamy, there are many, many understandings of the term “family”
My own understanding of “family” though, is a time-based interaction with 3 types of people: children, spouses and elders.
Each level has specific ways in which it shapes value creation, in which it interferes with the context.
Let’s start with the kid level (which, surprisingly enough, shares a lot with the elder level).
The Kid and Elder “Insertion Points”
The human cub is the most fragile, parent-dependent and slow-growing animal on earth. Many human kids are spending around one year only to learn how to walk. A foal will be on its feet minutes after birth, just to put things in perspective.
Sometimes I wonder how on earth we became so dominants over other species, when you see how handicapped we are in terms of physical strength. And then I remember it’s because we’re the most social animal on Earth. But I’m getting a little bit ahead of myself.
Let’s get back to the human cubs.
Because they’re so fragile, they need extra care. They will learn how to get around in this world directly from their parents. In fact, they will learn the most important things from their parents. In a way, the parents are literally shaping the world from their kids. That’s very, very important.
In other words, a lot of their software faults may come from unsuspecting, loving parents. Without even knowing, parents may infect the operating systems of their kids with viruses that can wait even dozens of years until they manifests. The world you are presenting, as a parent, to your kid, is the world they will see when they’re growing up and the world they will try to shape around them.
As an adult, you have also another insertion point, which is your spouse, but we’ll take about it separately.
The cycle ends with the elders, who are sharing the same feeble social insertion with children, only for different reasons. Their hardware is more and more obsolete. Hence, they will need even more care than kids. The extra care, though, comes with a greater reward: the knowledge base of the elders is very often bigger than the one of the adults. It is as flawed as the human mind can normally be, but at least it draws its conclusion form a larger data set.
There are at least 3 things we can extract from this:
1 As a kid, you don’t have too much control over what you are taught.
Not until you are autonomous enough in terms of social integration, and that can mean later in your teen years.
Once again, be aware that the world may not be as you’re told it is.
Maybe your parents meant well, but the world changed. Things are not as they used to be anymore.
Use your judgement. Experiment. Ask around. Learn how to formulate intelligent questions. But try to do it in a non-destructive way.
2 As a parent, you are not raising some pets, you are creating the world in which you will live 20 years from now.
Think about that when you yell at them, when you’re preaching, when you’re self-righteous. Think about that when you’re talking to your own parents as well. Try not to mimic their mistakes with you.
3 As an elder, you're totally dependent on the seeds you sowed
As you grow old, your hardware will degrade more and more, impairing drastically your adaptation processes at this level. Hopefully, the experience you accumulate at the software level, your "knowledge base", can shift the effects of that to a certain level.
The Spouse “Insertion Point”
Most our adult lives we live in some sort of partnership. Wether it’s a marriage or just a living together arrangement, we all have a partner.
The role of that partner is to mirror and complete our own faults.
One of the most common misconceptions is that the couple (or the family) has the role of raising children. Today, some couples are raising children, that’s true, but that doesn’t necessarily mean this is their reason to be. For instance, there were times in human history when children were safely raised by many men, in groups led by women (matriarchal societies).
The role of the couple is to lower the entropy.
Wether they choose to procreate or not is secondary. The main reason for the existence of the partnership is that two operating systems can increase their adaptation score. One complete the other. Overall, their common value will be more adapted to the context.
And one of the most simple consequences of that is the constant care we should take for the other.
Because when we take care of the needs of the other, we literally take care of our needs.
Because our togetherness will be more than just the mathematical sum of 1 plus 1.
How Context Is Influenced At The Family Level
Statistically speaking, a vast majority of our time is spent inside the family.
Once we agree with ourselves that what we see is not necessarily what is out there and what we think is not necessarily true, we can start applying these techniques in the family.
We can start raising our children by accepting that we don’t know everything and knowing that we’re not just raising some random being, like a pet, but somebody who will shape the same world in which we’re both going to live.
We can continue by supporting our spouse unconditionally, knowing that the end result of our combined efforts will be always bigger than just the addition of 1 to 1.
And we should take extra care at the seeds we're sowing because our elder insertion point will vastly be influenced by them.
In the next article, we'll focus on the next insertion point: friends.
All the articles in this series:
1. 6 Degrees Of Integration - Introduction
2. 6 Degrees Of Integration - You
I'm a serial entrepreneur, blogger and ultrarunner. You can find me mainly on my blog at Dragos Roua where I write about productivity, business, relationships and running. Here on Steemit you may stay updated by following me @dragosroua.
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