may 24th .... owh ... in erpe-mere de corona-pandemic is over as ive seen the last two weeks

but ... i wake up with something singing back and forth in my head, which happens a lot, its like one or more of the elder triffids try to push subliminal shit into the lucid phase (scientific terminology might not be anything but whats intended to explain) "ovgent" ... repeating and im like "ovgent""ovgent" and then like" "O.V. gent" ?? and then like what the hell and then like i have never been there and then

once ... on a day when my psychotic automutilating poly-toxic girlfriend and myself had a few pills more and a bottle than we should .. quite weak those days, straight out and down and beaten mentally to a pulp for not-the-first-time and

apparently not the last


and we both sit on the bed and she says SHE WANTS TO CUT HERSELF and i give her my arm and say


id rather

you cut me instead

of hurting you



and she did hah ... HAAAH? yeassss .... almost 6cm scar half a cm wide on my right arm, just GASH with that razor


i do but i lost track and awareness but not conscious apparently ... the pills the booze the cut dont know, she told me the next day she took me on the tram to


the O.V. Gent .. when i woke up with five stitches ... girl was half my size she cant have possibly carried me


thats when i have been there but


what is that an answer to ?


my story ? this is my LIFE, not "a story" ... it makes it NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and violation of my privacy is a capital offense


so what is that doing in my head, of all days today?

hm, pretty little petite thing who used to do gymnastics (like those girls who jump about a mat and stuff) and spent her life "inside" since she was 14 ... dont ask me, love at first sight ? how would i know ... what was i doing there ? i ASKED to be there , once in my life , i basically had to create a situation to let me in which , by itself and the fact that i did it probably already warranted letting me in wether intentional or not ... how DEEP CAN PEOPLE GET ? very

scars everywhere except her face and panties ..


because she was too shy ... honestly ...
you dont know crazy and you shouldnt talk about things you dont understand either

or havent experienced but on tv in many cases b/c YOU DONT KNOW SHIT


on life, the world ... almost anything between the frontdoor and work is as alien to you as i am to you ahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ... that was not "a rough patch", that was AFTER the rough patch from back then, heh


and THIS IS NOT AMERICA either


this is fuckflanders van drukkerland


hah ... no, SHE was worried on what she did ... to me , as that was not 'to her' worried that she would be labelled menace+psychotic, me, i was amazed heh but after all the previous shit i cant say it was more or less shocking than any of it before, you see, these people talking ? none of them ... or else they got it from before, before, i hear my old man he sometimes still seems stuck on shit i did when i was 15 , the old lady more like when i was the shy A+grade kid sometimes ... those 'friends' ? the ones who came with the money or the ones who disappeared on the money ? ah well ...


some people dont need acid to be in a constant bad-trip and its ALL real , plato teaches : perception is reality, k-pax kindergarten shit (i have to be careful here b/c i might be stamped as "thinks hes an alien" ... instead of "vocabulary consists of metafors from books, movies and songs experienced since birth" , not me, im not the bad tripper im "just damaged" over time ... and not your standard "life begins at 40" shit (b/c it DOESNT ... about everyone who made something did it before 30 ... starting at alexander the great (who actually achieved more than faceberg by 25 ... yes that lulz and also not like mu-negative) ... and i get interrupted now, more than a commodore 64 at a demo-party b/c EVERYTHING and then ++this place ++ where every pebble is a trigger and they did their very best to make that part worse on the daily since they stuck me back here, OH


they STUCK me back here, THEY DID ... I have proof that can not be denied unless in-animate objects transport themselves 25km into a mailbox from my pocket


is that ... ? hmmm



"you can do better" ... nine lives and a scout, right ? YES I KNOW


I KNOW, THATS THE THING, I

CAN

do better, that is why

i need to NOT-BE-IN-YOUR-OFFICE, but
i could do better


so i'm here now, stuck


with nothing since its not about what i wanted to do, its about you can do better than here (for me in parentheses they mean ofcourse)


so im here, yes, because i could do better, not because i was gonna what i do good and best, for me ...


thats not how its done, if you dont have a leash


you can not be accepted to have freedom ... paradox ? reality ...


THERE YOU GO, WRITE THAT UP YOUR ASS, IF IT DOESNT NET ME A FEW 1000 THEN ITS CERTAINLY NOT WORTH MORE THAN ONE PAGE (and if it does, i do NOT wanna talk about it)

violation of my privacy

is a capital offense

you can not UNfuck privacy, it STAYS FUCKED

like the parable of eggs and entropy in newtons bible

so , unless you're god, THE or a God ... ?

that's right

you cant

it stays fucked

something about

buddha and trust

dont take my word and

if i were a christian , not just someone baptised who spent nine years in catholic schools

i can tell you this much : how easy life would be

the first part of that book tells me that vendetta is my divine duty

not just my right ... its basically my duty since i am the image of God

the second part tells me

god will always be merciful and forgive me, as long as i believe

paradox ? reality ....

but im not a christian ... i think it lost its appeal after the crusades (not that im anti-islam ... it was just 'gud times' to be a catholic back then)

there we are ... and this is all we are now since theres nothing left but broken shards

held together by the illusion of a life that's plush

but hollow

void[]

NULL

:)

at your service ?

not really, did that, bought the t-shirt, then the walk-in closet

its all lies and dopamine jackpot
a carrot on a stick on the promise of tomorrow since

you're not quite used up yet, are you ?

---

---

image from wallpaper abyss ... don't do that again ... i dont wanna

and you dont have my future or my money

---

scary ?

you should meet some of the people i met ... i was born ab-normal, but not like this ... life chips away at you but if you're born in the mudpits swimming upstream through sulfuric acid made of normals

it just chips away more

i dont WANNA ... tell 'my' story, its already in there and i said it before and there's too many people involved, and this is just one day out of a period that spanned like only 3 years of my life
but i have more of those

periods

each one consists of days ...

actually yea, they do ... not all days are alike and a lot of days were empty too

See, if this were america id start a social network and lose money but get paid until some oil sheik buys me and then i let trump say whatever he wants and censor everyone else or ...

if this were america and my name was Dave monstermagnet Dave, i'd make a living out of those three years for the rest of my life or

if this were china , then maybe after 60 jobs i could end up 1% of Jack me

BUT ITS NOT

...

eof

owh ?

---

ohw ... but i said all this already ... they spent TEN YEARS as a kid drilling that into my head : resistance + 100 against having someone elses opinion, lifestyle or other shoved up your ass, even disguised as a healing suppository

literally and to the point where THEIR shit came out of my ass and didnt go back in

and YOU there are trying just that, well good luck ... i resist that shit while sleeping its a knee-jerk

its never gonna happen, you're gonna have to torture me for the rest of my life

you shoulda let me do

i would have forgotten all about belgium by now and wiped it off every worldmap i keep

like americans do with anything outside their borders

seems to work for them :)

... E O F mean END OF FILE means I DONT WANNA im done talking

13cents is a long way from a few 1000 dollar btw ... and even then i wouldnt wanna

and the answer is NO

and the answer to that is NO

and that and that

no and no

and life does not begin at 40

and everything they told you was a lie

they can't have it, or their world will collapse since they believed it all their life and never opened up their eyes and now YOU

are doing exactly that

and its scary since if you open your eyes once

you can never close them again

and certain parts of the world

you simply can't walk with eyes closed

and THAT
is that

dont tell me "o but you write pretty well"

show me the money :)

right ?

gud ... i thought so