Accepting Death as a normal part of Life
In western society, death seems to be a thing not very well understood and even mis-characterized in movies and television. Death is something that us as mortal beings will never be able to escape from nor should we ever want to. Why would you want to be stuck in spiritual boot camp forever? That sounds awful. As I have discussed previously, we are here for a reason and it is our place to figure out what that reason is and to live it to the fullest. Death is simply the end of your vehicle. Death does not mean that you as the spiritual being dies as that can never happen. You are eternal. This does not mean that when family members or people close to you die that it is still not hard to deal with and process, but I think having this understanding does help in a lot of ways grieve properly and to not get stuck in any grief cycles.
There is a lot to learn from being in the same room as someone who dies. To watch someone you love cross over is a very raw, visceral experience that is as real as it can get. I recently was with my Dad when he passed. He taught me so much in my life and even in his death he taught me things as well. I would like to share this very personal experience with all of you.
The last few days with my Dad
My father passed away this past July in 2018 from a rare form of brain cancer (Leptomeningeal Carcinomatosis). He was only 62 years old and was only officially retired for 2 weeks before he passed away. He was a great man, better father who taught me so many things in life both through positive education, but also through negative apophatic actions of things I would not want to emulate in my life.
The last time before this that I saw my dad, he was healthy, cognitive, pretty much his normal self. When we would talk on the phone I would ask him about his cancer treatment, and how things were going. He was always optimistic about things, but as time went on his health continued to decline. It went from things staying mostly steady to within a weeks time getting worse every day and then to getting worse every hour. This made communication with family difficult because that he would be doing okay one day and the next morning he was way worse.
The family that lived further away had to scramble to take time off work and fly in to see him because of how fast things started to decline. When I got in to see him I was warned about how bad his condition had degenerated into. I went into his bedroom where he was lying naked on his bed because he would get very hot and very cold within minutes each other so it made him more comfortable. His body withered away to about 110 lbs from being normally around 180 lbs from the Cancer and the "treatments". Parts of his head were shaven off in the spots he received radiation and his teeth were rotted brown from the chemotherapy.
I honestly barely recognized him when I saw him. He was so weak that he could only whisper when he talked, but he did muster enough strength to lean up a bit and give me a strong hug and whispered "I can't believe it!" because I was there and made it in time. He was holding on long enough for all the family to fly in and say their goodbyes. That is how strong he was. I cried embracing him, kissing him, telling him how much I loved him. I don't think I have ever cried as hard as I did for the next couple of days. I cried so much and for so long that tears would no longer come out despite continuing to cry.
For past few months previous to his death I was somewhat angry with him because I would inform and remind him of alternative treatments with cannabis, Gerson therapy, detoxing, oxygen therapy, immune therapy, light therapy, etc. that was available to him. Unfortunately he wouldn't listen to me and really only listened to what his oncologist said. They had him on a very aggressive treatment schedule of chemotherapy and radiation so much that in my opinion, it destroyed any chance of him ever recovering because his immune system got obliterated. I do understand that it was his life and his decisions so I cannot hold that against him, I just wish he would have been more open minded to alternative treatments as I feel things could have ended with a lot less suffering on his part through the duration of his "treatment".
He did die very peacefully and everyone was able to say what they needed to say to him. His death pretty much followed what Hospice outlines almost to the letter so I would say it is a good guide of what to expect when this time comes.
What did I learn from all of this?
The death of my father has only made me appreciate this life even more and how important every day is. Don't waste your life in a job you hate. Don't stay in a relationship just because it's comfortable, don't hold grudges and resolve disputes with loved ones. Strive to be happy all the way to the deepest part of your soul because if you are not, then you are wasting opportunities. I have made 2019 all about being happy to that level. I have been making pretty drastic life changes that most people would think I would be insane for doing, but I want to live what I am saying here. I am striving to be happy to that level and make the most of the time I have here.
It is extremely important to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You can't let any of these areas get neglected or you will suffer the consequences down the line. I will be doing some future posts on how you can keep yourself healthy in all of these areas so watch for that one.
Death is nothing to be afraid of and is nothing like what Hollywood portrays. They pervert death to be something it is not just like everything else they are involved with. People's eyes do not shut with they die, they stay half open and there is no way to close them that I am aware of. Their organs will gradually shut down and close to death, this will include the lungs so they will go through a period where they cannot breath. It is common to see the fish out of water motion with their mouth trying to gasp for air. Things like this do not get portrayed properly and are deliberately hidden from movies and the like because to see them for real changes you. The death of someone you love is a powerful mover for your life if you let it be. I will do what is in my power to honor the memory of my father and appreciate the time he spent with me and the lessons he has taught me.
When you get to a point in your life when you go through death of a parent or loved one, try to learn everything you can from it as it will change your life in ways you couldn't have expected before. I hope this has been helpful and can give perspective on the topic. We will all die someday so make the best of what you have now, enjoy loved ones, laugh more often, don't waste away in a job you hate, spend more time with your children, love and appreciate nature and all her wonderful gifts.
Love to all.
Photo Credits:
Man going through tunnel - Chris B
Man in the wind - Debby Hudson
An excellent treatment of a difficult subject. I witnessed my father in law's death in the hospital two years ago. That week I experienced the death of two people close to me: a teacher and mentor had died in Hospice the day before, and I had spent time there with him and his family and friends in the final days.
It does affect us deeply and for a long time. I wrote about it on my Steemit blog a few times last year. I agree that the tendency to deny and avoid the fact that death is party of life is unhealthy.
Thank you! That must have been difficult for you as well especially having those deaths happening back to back. I would love to read your article on it. I will have to find it. Expect a comment from me :)
I appreciate your thoughts on this and yeah I agree I think Western society should learn to look at death differently.
I'm sorry for your loss. It also must be tough that he wouldn't listen to your advice about alternate treatments that might have help defeat the cancer if used early. I think your feelings around it seem appropriate. Not nice, not easy, but appropriate. Thanks for writing about what can be a tough subject.
Thanks man, much appreciated. Yes this post was pretty difficult to write, but I felt if it could help anyone or give perspective it was worth writing. Haha, yes he was very stubborn so changing his mind on anything was a pretty steep uphill battle. I just knew I had to do my part to inform him of the choices because the medical establishment sure wasn't going to.
All and all I am glad that he is no longer suffering and that he impacted so many people positively. There were hundreds of people at the service that they couldn't even let everyone in.
I will also try to learn from every situation, even difficult ones like this. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate what you said :)
Oh I'm sure it will help/has helped someone.
You did what you could - you made sure he heard the info he wasn't hearing anywhere else, anyway! And no shame on him for not being able to accept it or look deeper into it. We're bombarded today with the belief that we must trust doctors. That they know what they're doing. That it's not mostly guesswork and placebo and hoping you don't sue. But as you know the medical model is severely unhealthy to say the least. You gave him the info, things happened the way they did, nobody is to blame and there's no guilt or shame to be passed around. You did well.
3 years ago, after a lonely Christmas with just her and I sharing some food while my drunken brother slept in his vomit downstairs, Grama fell in the kitchen one morning and broke her hip. I heard and came running, assessed her and helped her into a chair, and then called paramedics. The next evening, she had moved from the ER to a medical unit, in preparation for hip surgery. My brother and I ran errands in the afternoon, then brought her A&W fries and rootbeer, her favourite. She wasn't super hungry but enjoyed some of it, and was very thankful. We had bought her a cell phone and plan, so she could talk to the family (who had decided not to come to town until after surgery and discharge from hospital). Strangely, she didn't want to talk to her children. But she spoke with several of her other grandchildren (I was 1st of 10).
Visiting hours ended, and the nurses wanted us out. My brother was itching to get home and drink. After saying goodnight and telling her I'd return first thing in the morning to be around while she was in surgery, we left the room and started to walk out of the surgical ward.
As I fairly often did, I turned around and ran back to her for one more goodbye. I still remember her face brightening up when I re-appeared. Get out of here, she scolded, and I gave her several kisses and a warm hug. Her soft, weak body in my arms felt strange, but her scent and aura and everything else was familiar. She was safety for me. Having her alive kept something between me and the ugly vastness.
"I love you Grama."
"I love you too. Your brother's waiting, and Katie's at home, go. See you in the morning."
I turned and saw her smiling as I left the room. I don't like thinking of her there, in her death bed, but I do like to remember that smile. Maybe she knew, maybe she didn't, but she sent me off with as much love and happiness as she could.
They called me as I made home to her house from the hospital, saying she was gone when they next went in. Since there was a DNR order, they just made her comfortable and let her go.
We returned, as I felt it was important for me to see her dead body. I don't regret it, though I'm not sure it helped all that much either. She definitely wasn't there, when I got back. Relaxed, I guess, and looking mostly normal. But the person wasn't there. Without her there, there just wasn't much to see or do. I hugged her again, told her I loved her again, told her everything was okay.
My nightmare was just beginning. Not because of grief - I haven't really done much of that yet. Because of family betrayal, homelessness, illness, more homelessness, abuse by people pretending to help, and antidepressant addiction. Would you believe my brother, using Grama's cash, went on a cocaine bender all night and into the next day? It wasn't just that she died. That was expected to happen. It was everything that happened surrounding her death, the way my family acted, the way they don't carry on her beliefs or dreams, they way they didn't dig up her favourite lilies when they sold the house to be demolished, the way they just clearly didn't love her unconditionally, they way she loved us.
You're so right, death of a close loved one shows us how precious the time in this life is. We know it already, it's just math, most of us can grasp that life is limited. But seeing it and feeling it, you're suddenly "getting it" better than you ever got it before. There's a tendency for me to recoil in fear from that realization, but I'm a big fan of finding out how things actually are and dealing with reality, rather than persisting in a comfortable delusion. I faced all my darkest nightmares in the 6-8 months after her death. I wouldn't let myself turn away for false comfort. I let the darkness in, and I'm still struggling with it.
Thanks for being there for your dad. I imagine that he appreciated that.
Wow, thank you for sharing that. You did mention before how close you were with your Grandma. That is amazing that you at least got to see her and say good bye and you left on a good note. I am sure you helped her through some of her darkest times too. I think she knew who really loved her and made an effort and who didn't. People unfortunately even family members can be very selfish, greedy and petty over really dumb things. When my dad died, all us brothers promised to never let anything like that get in the way of us.
As far as your brother is concerned, I have been in similar situations. I had an older brother that had issues with that as well. He has passed on now. I will be writing about that in the future at some point but wanted to get my dad done first.
Yeah my brothers friends and other people my mom used to let live in the house used to steal money out of my wallet and pawn my video games for drug money. They need to be battling their demons, otherwise it will be the end of them. I hope your brother can wake up one day and be done with it like mine did. But he had a very hard time and was in and out of jail, homeless for long periods of time, etc.
Deep down he had self worth issues and didn't think he was worthy of being happy or successful and thought of himself as a fuck up and that further fueled his escapism. I don't know if your brother is going through the same thing or not, but I hope you can give him the same unconditional love that you gave your Grandma, despite his mistakes and short shortsightedness.
Good for you facing your demons too. I have been reading about how you have been getting clean from anti-depressants I hope that is still going well and know that you have my support!
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