Heart on Sleeve

The only way I can believe what I’m about to do, is to do it.

Last week I spilled my heart about my muse and unrequited love. Synchronicities started immediately after. I saw her as the subject of another painting... this one titled “The Cosmic Joker”. I wish I could explain the process. What ever I see reminds me of something in particular. Some thought I had, words she’s said.

Minutes later I had designed a feedback loop so blockchain programs can learn.

There isn’t a person alive who could convince me I didn’t see the future; as I continue to create it. I told her I’d build all this before I knew how to. But what I didn’t know was how long I would be doing this mostly on my own.

I can still affirm that I would never have lifted a finger to accomplish any of this if I didn’t also see her with me eventually. As I’ve told some of my friends: My ultimate goal is to live the greatest love story.

But there is the problem... how can I honor this woman? How can I respect her decision while “knowing” it’s not the one she wants to make.

I’m just a mirror as she is; and when I look at my own actions I see somebody who wants to take the easy way. I moved out of the State hoping to make things easier, for me. That’s running and hiding. That’s the same emotional and in this case physical unavailability I’m trying to resolve.

One thing I should mention is during our trip in the desert we wrote down... hmm. What was the question? Maybe our hopes for the new year. Something we wanted to set our sights on. I remember being clueless as to what I even wanted. But I was in the midst of an epic journey. When I finally wrote something down it was: “I will make all your dreams come true just by telling the world how I love you.”

Fast forward 10 months and I haven’t done that: the one thing I wrote down. I felt the shame of not being in control of my own emotions, the same that at least played a factor in why we currently aren’t communicating.

I can’t blame her; because even if she felt exactly as I did, I would have considered all her options valid when presented with me... too afraid.

Why would you try, knowing what is on the line? Is this person going to crush my heart? My heart that has never felt so vulnerable.

I needed the healing. I needed to know what my drive in life was. To recover from circumstances that weren’t ideal. What I felt that night was love. It made me realize that I’d never had it before. It was so foreign, I didn’t know how to act. Like a child with their first taste of a lemon.

One of my moms friends claims to be a psychic and when she saw her picture she said “she can absolutely destroy you, but it’s your decision.” This was the wording I needed to hear. You don’t fall in love. You surrender to it. You embrace your vulnerability... already knowing you’ll embrace your partner.

Neither of us were ready; but love is all we both wanted.

I did tell her the us part wasn’t going to be easy but we’d find our way together; eventually. But again; we are in the here and now. Where she’s blocked me.

I can’t take actions that would push her away; anything that I wouldn’t be proud to do in front of her is off the table.

All I can say is I don’t believe you because I think I understand you. And to what effect. What does the future look like when I ask for something like a conversation or a date. My intentions are already clear. What can be done? This question seems more difficult and more complex than any code I can write.

I’ve read before that you can fall in love with somebody if you look in to each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. Reading more in to it doesn’t seem like any particular magic... an intent is there, if you want to fall in love with somebody gazing in to each other’s eyes builds trust and empathy. Establishing a framework to make the surrender easier.

Marina Abramović and Ulay used to sit for hours facing each other in performance art. They started at opposite ends of the Great Wall of China to meet in the middle and marry. When they met in the middle the instead broke up and didn’t speak for 20 years.

“If love is broke it turns to hate.” -Ulay

That what I know. The feelings we have don’t go away... they mutate. The opposite of love isn’t hate. It is indifference. Love and hate are sometimes a featherweight apart.

So what does it take to fall in love? You need to be willing to surrender to it. This usually means you’re looking for it or at least accepting of it. If you’re processing traumas and healing then you aren’t ready.

I still need to know the difference between rightly honoring a healing future her, and respecting the very valid current her. How long does one hold on to a promise of love? Is she healing? Is she ready? Is she just as done as she says? Am I wasting my life wondering this?

So I might say: I’ll wait for you until you can look me in the eyes for four minutes. What would be the reasons for turning down this offer of closure? Afraid to fall for me? Afraid of love in general? If her feelings are more set toward hate or indifference then it should be easy to glare at me for 4 minutes. It’s not a date, it’s not even asking for reasons or explanations.

So I asked the universe for a sign as I paced my living room waiting for a Lyft.

When the Lyft driver arrived he was wearing a veterans hat. I asked him what he did in, and he was an electronics technician like me. A few miles down the road and he mentioned he worked for my old employer as well. Then I asked if he knew my boss. Turns out he worked for my old boss; I probably drove this guy’s company car after he quit. And here he was driving for Lyft... just as I had been doing 10 months ago.

One more mirror; like talking to me from last year... same back stories. But what about current stories? What is the difference between that Lyft driver and me?

This one knows what a powerful force love can be. One that is changing the world. I didn’t stare in to his eyes but it was a reminder to stare into my own. Am I proud of who I am and what drives me? Yes.

So here I am. A man of my word. One who has said then done as many things as he could. One who sincerely believes he has found his other half.

I, Steven Ettinger, will hold space for her until she can convince me to move on with locked gaze.

I derive so much happiness from the purpose I have found. The life I believe she has shown me. I can still see her next to me in the future; I still wake up from dreams of her every day. She can destroy me... and in many ways the old me is dead.

I know it’s not difficult to figure out who I’m speaking of; please respect her and her decisions. I’m trying to find that balance myself.