Wow. That's ballsy. But I like the way you told the story. Sorry for the circumstances, but it was funny and endearing, the way you told it. I too, am "not fit for a job". I just...suck, as an employee. It's not that I don't work hard, it's just that I don't give a shit about what it is that I'm doing.
You seem to also have much else on your mind. Perhaps you could seek a temporary job doing something with your hands? Maybe, working for a landscaper, or house painting? Maybe part time work at a local plant nursery or feed store? It might give you some time to think, while "working" (performing the same repetitive motion over and over, for financial compensation)
I once worked as a "janitor". (Basically cleaning the bathrooms and breakroom at a call center) I got to spend the rest of my time in a broom closet, reading "Financial Peace" by Dave Ramsey. Good book. Worth a read.
Also, today might be a good day for you to chill and watch "Office Space".
Cuz' texting your boss the night before?? Yooz a gangsta'.
Here's your emotional support, brother. hugs