Mimicry, rapport and the amygdala

Long ago, I had a friend who had learned about Neurolinguistic Programming. He called it, NLP. He said that he used it once as a challenge to make another friend fall out of his chair. He also said that he used NLP with the intention of programming himself for a better life, but kind of put himself asleep for a year only to wake up and find that his life was a mess.

I read part of a book on NLP, and although I found it interesting, I decided that it wasn't worth the risk and that it was better left to others more qualified. I never forgot what I learned about learning, and the stages of learning. From self-conscious to habit, we learn new skills in the hopes of having a better life, a greater joy, or to avoid a common mistake.

I also read another interesting book, Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior, by Desmond Morris. It's a pictorial book that illustrates human gestures and postures and what they mean. It was there that I learned about postural echo, one of the elements of rapport. If I fold my arms in a conversation with you, there is a pretty good chance you will fold your arms, too - if you agree with me. I have used postural echo to establish and maintain rapport with a new acquaintance, with a positive outcome: a new friend.

What is rapport (note that to sound it out, the "t" is silent)? A search for the word yields the following definition: a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well. There is another word for rapport: intimacy. Intimacy is me being me and letting you see me.

But there is something else that happens in all human interactions. Without even realizing it, we mimic each other. This is not imitation, so to speak, as in a parody of another. We speak the same words, we use similar tones of voice. Even our facial expressions can be reflected by another. Everything I say and do is reflected back at me by somebody else.

I have found that my children are very good at reflecting my moods back at me. If I am kind and forgiving, they are kind and forgiving. If I am cooperative, they are cooperative. If I am angry, they rise to the challenge and they are angry, too. For everything a child learns is by doing what other people do. They watch the parents to see what the parents are doing and they do that.

If the parent is loud and demanding, the children will be loud and demanding. If the parent is easy going and fun to be around, the kids will do the same. Kids look at everything the parents are doing as life skills. This is true across the animal kingdom, and is particularly pronounced in mammals, birds and reptiles. To varying degrees, all kids learn from their parents by watching them.

By chance, I found this cool quote in a meme. I wanted to copy the picture and put it here, but Google+ was not so kind as to let me do that. So I did a search for the author of the quote and put it here for you to see:

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. --Robert Fulghum

That explains to a T exactly what I see in my kids and in others around me. While that practice of imitation and mimicry are easy to spot in kids, it is not so easy to spot in adults. But I see that, too.

With adults, if I raise my voice, others will be alarmed and they will raise their voices, too. If I make an angry expression, they will be angry, too. The base of their brain will fire off. What is in the base of the brain? The amygdala. This is where our emotional center can be found. This is where we decide to feel happy or sad. I am mindful of this part of human nature when I interact with others.

If I want cooperation with someone else, I demonstrate my desire by being cooperative. If I want affection, I am affectionate. If I want peace and quiet, I am peaceful. If I am humorous, people laugh with me.

I have also found that this reflection isn't limited to humans. I find that my world reflects everything that I think and feel. If I'm angry, the world feels hostile and unforgiving. If I am grateful, I find abundance everywhere I look. If I am sad, the world presents sad things to me.

But what if I have it all wrong? Could it be that how I think and feel act as a filter for my perception of reality? I think it could be both. How I think and feel provide a sort of color filter on my outlook on life. Other people will reflect this back at me when they interact with me, depending on my mood at the time.

I think this is what is meant by mindfulness. Mindfulness is an understanding that we are all somehow connected, that our fates are ultimately bound together. Mindfulness understands that what we think, feel and do, is reflected back to us in everything around us. It is up to us to make the choice for each moment, to decide what kind of moment it will be.