If kids learn by imitation, why not model collaboration?

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Humans seem uniquely suited for imitation. We are born a clean slate, it seems, ready to drink information from the moment we are born. We see, we hear, we taste and we touch everything around us. With the exception of what our instincts provide for, we must learn the skills of survival from our caregivers.

We learn to eat, eliminate, walk, talk, read and write and so much more from our parents and caregivers. I'm a dad and I see this everyday. If I eat a bowl of cereal, my kids will sit on my lap with a spoon and eat that cereal with me. If I vacuum the house, they will want to use the vacuum, too. I have seen my oldest kid fight me to have a chance to vacuum the house at 3 years old (though I doubt that will happen again at 13 years of age). If I am on a computer, typing away, they will want to do what I do.

Everything I do is seen as survival skills to the kids. So they want to do what I do. I am mindful of this all day, every day. When they are around, I am more circumspect about what I do around them. I don't watch TV much around them unless it's content that is age appropriate for them, and even then, I emphasize face time rather then TV time. I watch my language around them and keep it age appropriate. I watch what I eat around them. I engage them when I can when I see them looking for me. I treat them the way I want to be treated.

If I pick my nose, they will pick their nose. Apparently, they've seen someone pick their nose and every so often, there is a nose bleed. My older child has since figured out how to pick her nose and not have a nose bleed, but my younger one has not. I've even explained to my older child, "If you pick your nose and Natalie sees you, she will pick her nose, too."

So I don't chastise them for picking their noses or doing things that they may have learned from me or my wife or at school. I just try to explain the potential consequences of their actions. I know that whatever they do, whether it is good or bad, destructive or creative, I know that there is a very good chance they learned to do what they do from one of us or someone at school.

I've also learned that criticism is poison for kids. Criticism teaches kids that they're somehow bad and not worthy of love. So I avoid criticizing my kids. I've been criticized by my own parents, so I still have some unlearning to do, but I've done decades of work on myself, so I catch myself when it does come out. I work to make amends to the kids and let it go.

When I read to my kids at night, I am reminded that they are learning by example. They see me reading and get the idea that the images and characters in the book have meaning and they learn to associate meaning with the words on the page. My older kid is now learning to read on her own, and to read silently to herself. This is because she has seen me reading silently to myself.

I am also mindful that criticism and punishment reinforce behavior. Even if we see that challenging behavior has subsided after punishment, we can set up a pattern of behavior known as obsession with a heavy hand or a hard line. Just because behavior disappears after punishment doesn't mean that kids stop thinking about it. When we punish a kid for a behavior, we miss a problem solving opportunity, and opportunity to learn the skill of collaboration. (To learn more about this concept, visit the Lives In The Balance website.)

Kids, and humans in general, are problem solvers by their very nature. I assume and often think that when a kid presents a challenging behavior, they are trying to solve a problem, to see it through to a solution. I saw this yesterday with my younger daughter at a playground we visited. She wanted to climb a pole wrapped by a corkscrew and then step across to the platform beside the pole. With several attempts, she figured it out, and when she got to the other side, she jumped up and down and clapped her hands with glee.

After she has climbed the corkscrew and stepped across to the platform a few times, it will not hold that much interest for her. She saw an interesting problem, solved it and will move on. Isn't that interesting?

Punishment represses a child's urge to solve a problem. And whatever is repressed, becomes obsessed. And whatever is obsessed, is eventually expressed in destructive or counterproductive behavior. It can become an addiction. Addictions are really just attempts to solve a problem, but the ritual of the addiction doesn't really solve the problem. It can't and never will because addictions are displacement activities. They displace us from the feelings we have, or the love the we didn't get, or the learning opportunities we didn't get.

So when I see of my kids "acting out", I know that there is a problem to solve, and I know that she lacks the skills to solve the problem. So I work with my kids on the assumption that when they're having a tantrum, they need to be heard because they have a problem to solve. They aren't acting "badly", they're asking for help to solve a problem.

This is why I don't believe in the whole "punishment and reward" mindset of Western Civilization. For one, it's not really that civilized when you think it through. Secondly, punishment and reward only reinforce behavior, they don't teach any of the skills required to meet the standard of behavior demanded to get the reward or avoid the punishment.

I've now seen over and over again, that when I help my kids solve for "X", the challenging behavior goes away. Every single time. Now some problems require repetition to learn the solution, but eventually, I will get to it with my kids. I've also seen that over time, I have fewer upsets when the same situation comes up because I'm collaborating with my kids to discover durable, repeatable solutions that they can do. I am demonstrating to my kids that I'm listening to them and responding with assistance, and that pays off in the long run.

We're built to do this. We're built to solve problems together. If you punish a kid, you're creating an adversary, even if you think the problem went away after punishment. If you collaborate with your kid, then you're creating a partnership with your kid to solve problems. It is with this partnership between parents and child, that kids learn to be in partnerships in friendship, love and business. In partnerships, kids learn to live in peace.

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