If I do X, I will be happy

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about happiness and I've considered what it really means to be happy many times throughout my life. Each time I walk down that path, it becomes clearer to me that happiness is a temporary and fleeting state of being. Achieving a state of happiness is not a mechanical process. Happiness is knowing what to do in the face of adversity. Happiness arises from the resilience required to overcome adversity. Happiness can be as simple as making a decision to be happy.

If I had X, I'd be happy. If I had only done X, I'd be happy. My wife makes me happy. Having money in the bank makes me happy. Having friends makes me happy. My social status makes me happy. My Lambo, my large house, my jewels, my body, my face, they all make me happy. Here, happiness is dependent on external circumstances, much of it beyond our control.

Throughout my life, I have found that my happiness is dependent on one single factor: whether or not I make the decision to be happy. Is happiness dependent on whether or not I get everything I want? Depends on whether or not it is possible to get everything you want. The answer to that question also depends on whether or not it is possible to even know everything you ever wanted. Just getting even a little of what you want can change the rest of what you want. Everything you ever wanted depends on your knowledge of what is possible. And we only know a tiny, tiny sliver of what is going on all around us.

For example, I read of a man yesterday who felt that he had made progress as a cryptocurrency trader, but thought that he had missed so many opportunities. His happiness was dependent on what he knew was possible and acting on that information. In the end, after a long article fencing with regret, he had to make a decision about being happy. He realized as he wrote the article, for I could see the change in his tone from beginning to end, that he had to make a conscious decision to be happy. There was no other way.

Even if we had everything we wanted, every possession requires attention. Every possession owns us as much as we own it. Every possession requires time, attention and care. Even if a possession is low maintenance, it still costs something to own. It takes up space in our house and in our mind. Is it even possible for our puny little minds to embrace everything that we could ever want?

Every possession, every act, every goal, and every intention, requires a slice of time in our mind. Every decision requires energy, and every decision opens and closes doors. We cannot anticipate every contingency from even one act. In a very real sense, even if we think we know what we're doing (ha!), we're just grasping in the dark. Like a game of Dungeons and Dragons, we can only see as much as is revealed to us and no more. We must pick and make our decisions carefully.

No matter what decisions we make, ultimately, we must decide to be happy. The first order of business in the realm of happiness is acceptance. You cannot be happy unless you accept things as they are, without reservation. There are no qualifications for happiness. Either you're happy or you're not. Take your pick.

All of this decision making requires energy. Every decision of every day requires a discrete amount of energy, even a decision that requires no external action on our part, like changing our mind. Changing our mind is one of the most powerful things we can do. If we find that we didn't get what we wanted, we can choose to remain determined to get that thing, or we can change our mind to get something else. We can decide at any time if what we wanted is still what we wanted from the beginning. We can decide if what we want costs too much of something else that we have and choose to pursue something else.

Every decision fires off at least one neuron in the brain. Every neuron requires energy. Every decision burns sugar, and sugar comes from the food we eat or the fat in our bodies. At some point, after much thought and effort, we grow tired. At some point, we must decide that enough is enough. We must decide if we want to sleep knowing we did the best we could, or to torment ourselves for all of our mistakes for the day, the month, the year, or our lives.

While it is true that you could practice yoga, be in a fantastic relationship, make tons of money, live in a great neighborhood, enjoy your life's work, do your bucket list, and accumulate possessions from your dreams, none of that is any guarantee that you will be happy.

Happiness is a decision to be happy, to accept everything as it is, without reservation or qualification. If we are not happy, acceptance of our lot in life is acknowledgement of where we are, like knowing our position on a map. We cannot even begin to make ourselves happy unless we accept what is now, for happiness is a state of being that arises from asking the question, "Am I happy?", every minute of every hour, every day.

Some of us don't even have to ask. We can just be. We can enjoy the sunset, the humble brown bag lunch, the evening walk, the morning solitude, and the blissful descent into sleep. Happiness can often be found in the simple pleasures, free of any fanfare or status, independent of what others may think of us.

Happiness is also a skill. It is a conscious determination of acceptance of who we are, where we are, and what is before us again and again, without reservation. It is a stream of decisions leading to that moment when the brain releases the endorphins that bring pleasure to us.

Breathing, eating, walking, talking, thinking, learning, and just being - all of them are skills. Sometimes it take everything we have just to stay in our skin. But even that is a decision. All decisions require some experience and with experience comes practice, and with every decision comes skill. With experience, trial and error, we find that skill we can call happiness.

Regardless of adversity or peace, we must decide if life is worth living. We must decide if what we have is enough and if not, we must decide if we want to expend the energy to get more. We can't take it with us when we die, which makes the question all the more urgent to answer. Do I want to be happy now, or wait until X happens?

Why wait when the capacity to be happy is already within us? A simple way to get there is to count your blessings, as some would put it. You could write a gratitude list to take inventory of all of that which you find joy in. I've seen nights where I was so miserable that I just kept expressing gratitude for this and that. I went through my mind, thinking of everything that I grateful for, like counting sheep, until I fell asleep.

I can tell you from experience that listing everything that I am grateful for is far better than a sleeping pill. I've tried a sleeping pill once, but it was too creepy for me, so I never did that again. Alcohol? How is it even possible to feel joy when your nervous system is depressed? I'd rather exercise for better sleep. I'd rather read. I'd rather write. I'd rather call a friend. All of these things bring me joy or just calm, and they are all free.

I could go on, but I think you get my drift. Happiness is like a switch. You turn it on by making a decision to be happy. No one else can do it for you. Even if someone else could, do you really want to be dependent upon someone else for happiness? People can add to my happiness, but they can't make happy. I don't make other people responsible for my happiness, for that makes me feel too vulnerable, and I've been disappointed so many times, I don't even care to try any more. I just make happiness my decision, my responsibility.

This isn't to say that I don't find joy in being with others, I do. I just allow myself to be happy first, and then mix that with whatever other people in my life bring to me. In the end, it's still a decision to be happy.

So remember to breathe. Everything else follows. Happiness comes easier if you breathe.