How to avoid the grand delusion of punishment for the greater good on the way to finding peace

I've noticed that sometimes, I have strong feelings when I think of saying something to someone else about something that I feel strongly about. I've also noticed that I get butterflies in my stomach when I think of saying something offensive, or could be offensive, perhaps even punitive, to someone else. I've learned from past experiments with such dalliances that discretion is the better part of valor. I've learned that if I feel burning in my stomach or chest just imagining saying something to someone else, don't say it. I have learned to rephrase until there is no burning, and then I can speak.

When I was a young man, I could hear the voices in my head telling me how bad I am, that I am not worthy of love. I can remember thinking about how I wanted to punish others for not being the way I wanted them to be. I can recall the feelings I got when I talked to myself in such ways. I fantasized about how a conversation would go, running it over and over through my mind, as if that person was actually going to say what I wanted them to say, as if reading from my script. That never happened. I fantasized about denying them what they wanted from me. I fantasized about making others suffered the way I was suffering. And all of that left me very lonely.

But I know now that I was addicted to the feelings that my thinking brought to me. I know now that I was addicted to the feelings from the negative self-talk. I know now that was addicted to the feelings from the fantasizing, even though I never actually had the courage to do the things I thought of doing. I had empathy for others, just not myself.

So I started to become aware of my self-talk. I became aware of how I was making myself feeling by the words I used to talk to myself. I made a point of stopping my thinking when it was going south. I interrupted that thinking when I could hear it going negative, when I was criticizing myself. I would call a friend who would say, "You can beat yourself up for as long as you want. Do you want to stop at 5 minutes or 10?"

I also took notice of when I used pejoratives to describe others. When I'm driving, I'd hear myself saying, "Hey, that jerk cut me off!", "That idiot is slow! He doesn't know how to drive!". I'll just pass them and show them who really knows how to drive, right?

I then began to notice how I think when people are being offensive around me. When people are using abusive language around me, I can feel the feelings rise. In the old days, I would have shot back with an offensive retort. But that always left me lonely. I look back and see just how lost I was, and wonder if people thought me just a bit daft.

But with experience comes that discretion. I have learned to talk to myself the way I want to be treated. I have learned to talk to others in the way I want to be treated. I became very aware of my language, rooting and ferreting out judgment from my language. Even to this day, I still catch myself using words of judgment. I'm no Christian, but I like that saying, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I am not without sin, so I hold my tongue and check my ego at the door.

More to the point, I check my language when I think, speak and write. I have found that when I cast judgment upon others, I cast judgment upon myself. Over time, judgment of others will paint me into a corner, an untenable position. So I stick with the facts at hand. I stick with the positive. In certain circles, we say that we should not take inventory of others, so I avoid taking down others for their mistakes and faults. If there is a god, then God only knows I have faults, too.

But I have noticed, even in some of my friends, the tendency to use pejoratives when referring to others. What is a pejorative again?

pe·jo·ra·tive
pəˈjôrədiv/Submit
adjective

1. expressing contempt or disapproval.
   "permissiveness" is used almost universally as a pejorative term"
   synonyms: disparaging, derogatory, denigratory, deprecatory, defamatory, slanderous,
   libelous, abusive, insulting, slighting; informal, bitchy
   "his remarks were considered too pejorative for daytime radio"

Every pejorative, every insult, every slight, is evidence of intent to punish another for some perceived wrong. Well, one other thing that I have learned is that punishment doesn't teach any skills. Worse, a new study has shown that punishment tends to lead to retaliation. In that study, a social dilemma experiment was set up to see if punishment to get people to work together for the greater good actually works. The results of that study offer a strong suggestion that the answer is no, punishment is not very effective.

Consider the following thought experiment. A small mistake by one person is punished by another with more power, with harsh language early in the day. That person goes to school or work, carrying the unhappy memory of that experience. That same person, I'd call him a victim but not for long, for he will have to decide whether to "turn the other cheek", "consider the source", or retaliate.

If he or she retaliates, she may do so, quietly, so as not to be notice. Maybe she's a little more reluctant to speak. Maybe she withholds her love for the other one more time. Maybe she doesn't call back for a few days, or is silent when home. Maybe he retaliates openly with harsh words, breaking things or goes on a binge at the local bar.

Now multiply this behavior by thousands and millions of occurrences every day, every hour. One frustration leads to another. In this cycle, people are blinded by their feelings, and getting their needs met is sidelined by the desire to retreat or retaliate.

Everyday, every hour, even every minute, we have a choice. We can punish someone for their mistakes, or we can gently explain to them the nature of their error, or we can let it go (plan A, B, or C). If we punish others, we assume that we have the authority to punish. I'm no Christian, but I do recall someone who once pointed out to me that God has a corner on vengeance. In a famous book, God is quoted as saying, "Vengeance is mine."

Even if you're not Christian, you may have considered the possibility that "they might be giants". This is an idea that caught my attention early on in my adult life. I happened to be perusing albums one day, real vinyl albums. in a record and head shop imbued with the smell of incense, decades ago. I was enjoying the cover art, as I flipped through the albums and found a band called, "They Might Be Giants". I never forgot that and carry that with me to this day.

What I mean by "they might be giants" is this. When we consider punishing another person for some offense, we really don't know who we're dealing with. We don't know if they're packing heat, we don't know how far they will go to prove they're right, dominant, or what have you. We don't know if we'll be blown to smithereens or just left aghast after a stormy verbal assault in retaliation. We don't know if we'll never see that person again. So we choose our battles carefully, or choose not to battle at all.

I can recall first learning about the open source developer community. I can recall how someone once said, "Everyone starts somewhere". I can also recall Sherlock Holmes saying, "There is no such thing as a trivial question". This is how I treat everyone. There are no stupid questions. There are no idiots. For if there are stupid questions and idiots, then I'm all too ready to punish the ignorant. Ignorance is not a sin. People are teachable when they admit to being confused. So I can say that I've been confused for a very long time, and I'm still confused. That means I'm teachable and I'm willing to learn.

We can punish, or we can teach, but we cannot do both. Once we go down the road of punishment, the "student" is in fight or flight mode. But if we take the time to teach, then there is no fear of retaliation, there is no judgment, there is only cooperation and collaboration. The effort to gently explain an error will pay us back ten times in dividends that we know as peace of mind, peace in the house, peace at work.

All punishment does is show others that we're not very interested in peace. Behind every punishment is fear. We cannot have peace in fear. To have peace, we must be peaceful. We must be mindful. We must surrender any desire for punishment, and trade that in for peace, if we want peace. As far as I know there is no other way.