Corporal punishment and how it relates to materialism

The origins of corporal punishment

It is estimated that 90% of all kids, even today, have been spanked at least once (this number varies from study to study, survey to survey, so I took the high one). Spanking is within a set of behavior we call, corporal punishment. Corporal punishment ranges from spanking and paddling on minors to flagellation and caning on adults. The history of corporal punishment extends back to the 10th century BC and is attributed to Solomon, as described by the Bible. From Wikipedia and the Bible, we learn of what Solomon said:

He that spareth the rod, hateth his son; but he that loveth him, chasteneth him betimes. (Proverbs, XIII, 24)

A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes. (Proverbs, XVIII, 6) Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. (Proverbs, XIX, 18) Judgements are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the backs of fools. (Proverbs, XIX, 29) Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it from him. (Proverbs, XXII, 15) Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with a rod, thou shalt deliver his soul from hell. (Proverbs, XXIII, 13-14) A whip for a horse, a bridle for an ass, and a rod for a fool's back. (Proverbs, XXIX, 15)[

"A fools lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes." Just reading that passage alone reminds me of the contentious debates I see in social media every day. I see in those debates, the desire for punishment. Punishment for being wrong. Punishment for disagreeing, for not falling in line, for not thinking like someone else thinks, punishment for being liberal, a conservative, or, God forbid, a libertarian.

"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it from him. (Proverbs, XXII, 15) Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with a rod, thou shalt deliver his soul from hell." Notice here that they're talking about children as if they are evil. That beating a child will deliver him from hell. There is no discussion of skills and motivation, for evil is supernatural.

Divining discipline from corporal punishment

As far as I am concerned, and my experience with kids provide me with the conviction to say it: challenging behavior in kids is not a question of motivation, it is always a question of skills. But King Solomon would have you believe otherwise, for if you wan to use religion to control the minds of your flock, you must teach obedience through punishment, delivered through beatings, loss of belongings, or human rights.

We have a polite name for that kind of abuse, the beatings (including spanking), isolation and verbal abuse, and we call it "discipline". Is it really discipline?

I have never thought of spanking as "discipline". I know well the terror of being spanked. For me, it was not all that spontaneous that I can remember. I've seen spanking in public places and of them, most parents seem rather spontaneous about it. For me, It was ritualized for "bad behavior". I made a mistake, I had to wait for my father to come home, and I was spanked at a set time and place. It was the anticipation of the event that caused the most pain and fear. After it was done, I was sent to my room to cry in isolation.

Is that discipline? Let's look at it from the perspective of the parents. The decision to spank a child is often impulsive. It is a desire to exact control over a child. It is an expression of a desire to control others, and it seems to work when there is an imbalance of power. The power of the adult overwhelms the child, so it seems to both parties, that if you have enough power, you can control others. You can change those bad other people.

This doesn't work so great between peers because the abuser cannot act with impunity. That is to say, there is a natural and inescapable consequence for an abuser, and the consequences are somewhat difficult to predict for most of us adults.

Is it any wonder then, why we find so much confusion in trying to control others as adults? I can recall expressing my own pain to others as a younger man, and the response was always, "You can't change people, but you can change yourself. And if you change yourself, other people have no choice but to change their response."

The punishment we experienced in childhood teaches us that it is somehow possible to make other people change, and that experience sets us up for confusion as adults. Spanking is how adults demonstrate a lack of discipline with children. But adults who lack discipline can act out just as much as any child can. Observers of President Trump seem to have taken notice of this.

Discipline is about practicing skills

Look at any athlete and watch how they work. They exercise, they train, they read up on the art of their chosen profession. They "discipline" their minds to learn and apply the skills required to excel at their sport. They "discipline" their bodies to develop and maintain the capacity to excel at their sport.

Discipline is not punishment, it is the application of experience to the same task over and over again. It doesn't matter if we're talking about sports, entertainment, politics or business, or just living. Discipline is knowing how not to inflict pain on others, knowing how to find your happiness without regard to what others do. Discipline is leading the way.

How then, did the word "discipline" ever become confused with corporal punishment? What skills are taught with spanking? I have asked that question of a few people I know and online, and I have yet to meet anyone who can name a skill taught by spanking. In my estimation, there are perhaps two skills taught by spanking: obedience and rebellion.

Between obedience and rebellion

With spanking, you get obedience, at least until the kids find their own power. They are obedient because they know mom and dad hold all power. But when they become teenagers, they find their own power and begin to assert it. Then, when they find a circle of friends, they may find again, that urge to be obedient, but this time, obedient their friends to do self destructive acts with their teenage friends: drugs, vandalism, gangs. Spanking is destructive and that is what is learned by kids.

Spanking does not teach impulse control, quite the opposite. If the parent spanks on impulse without even any explanation, then it is the parents that are acting without discipline, on impulse. The parents can talk all they want about self-control, but the kid is watching the behavior of the parents and is learning to copy the behavior of the parents.

Spanking says, "Don't think. I'll do your thinking for you." Spanking says, "You're not listening", so the kids learn not to listen. Spanking says I need no justification for the arbitrary exercise of power. Spanking says that I can make you change. Spanking says that I can control you. There is another more subtle way to look at it. Spanking says that I want you to be motivated by me. Spanking says I believe you lack motivation to do better, so I will motivate you.

Yet, numerous modern studies and empirical evidence will show that young kids are always motivated to please their parents. Always. Their deficit is skill not motivation.

Everyone believes they are right. Everyone wants to go to sleep at night, knowing they did the right thing. I make this assumption about everyone. I assume ignorance before malice.

Impulse control, Scotty

I found inspiration for this article in the recent news of a woman who threw her soda on two men who refused to stand for the national anthem at a sports event, while another woman recorded the act. The attack was captured on video and posted to social media, to show the women as heroines. In California, The Riverside Press Enterprise has a fairly detailed account of the incident and includes this passage:

A video of the drink-tossing incident was posted on social media and went viral. The original Twitter video was deleted, but some users saved copies of the original tweet, while others obtained cached copies through online services. In the copies, the poster wrote “Take a kneel (sic) in the land of the slaves. Disrespect our flag and our country and that’s how we’ll react.”

Both women felt motivated to attack someone else, and lacked the inhibition or self-control not to purse that course of action. It is apparent that they wanted someone else to change. They believed that they had the right and the duty to make someone else change. They were students at California Baptist University so it is clear that those women are Christians.

What is important here is not their religion, though we can hazard a guess that they learned a thing or two from King Solomon. What is important here is their belief that their happiness was dependent on other people changing for them. Their happiness was dependent on some external circumstance.

If punishment doesn't work, dangle the gold

The other side of punishment is reward. We are raised to believe that reward is what makes us happy. Never you mind the mastery of any skills, get that gold. Get that award, be #1. Be better than the others, and then we will love you. That is the message, the subtext of Western Materialism.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being wealthy, or having more than you need. But there is a cost to that wealth, that is not often taught: the cost of wealth may very well be the cost of your ability to get along with others. My favorite example of this comes from Eagles front man, Don Henley, with his open admission of this cost in his song, The Heart of the Matter. It is a song mourning the breakup of a relationship, and it demonstrates amply, the skills deficit that Mr. Henley realizes. Here is the relevant passage:

Ohh, pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us, you know it doesn't keep me warm

Like so many of us, Mr. Henley, had been taught to go for the gold, only to discover that achievement, wealth and fame are no substitutes for interpersonal skills. Motivated? Sure he was. Did he have the skills to succeed? You bet. Did he get the love he wanted with those skills? A quick reading of his words says, at the time he wrote that song, no.

In one social media debate, I was offered a study to show that kids who smacked are more successful. Perhaps so. But are they truly happy? I never did reply to that one because I already knew the answer. I know it for myself and I know it from watching other people.

The antidote to materialism is gratitude

Materialism is a natural consequence of corporal punishment. It is an expression of the belief that external circumstances make us happy. The reality is that gratitude is what makes us happy. Gratitude is the realization that we can find happiness and contentment in what we already have. Instead of moaning over my inability to earn tremendous amounts of money and buy that McLaren 650s, I could find happiness in the fact that I have air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat, friends and family who love me, and a place to live in safety from the wind. That is gratitude.

Gratitude allows us to start from a positive instead of a negative position. I teach my kids gratitude when I say, "I love you just the way you are." I remind myself of the importance of gratitude when I rise each day to write a list of 10 things I'm grateful for. Gratitude is a habit and a skill, and they require change from no one else or anything else within my sphere of influence.

This is why I refrain from and disdain corporal punishment in all its forms. Making other people unhappy doesn't make me or anyone else happy. Corporal punishment assumes that people lack the motivation to do better, when really, all they lack is the skill to do better.

Instead of punishing others just for the thrill (ever notice the hit of adrenaline you feel when you punish someone, even in a subtle way?), I find the skills my kids need to be happy and contented adults and I teach those skills. I make every effort to live the example by erring on the side of peace, taking stock of what I have and using it for the benefit of myself, my family and my community.

During upsets, I let the feeling pass, I talk it out, I give my kids choices, and I teach those skills to my kids by practicing them. I acknowledge that we are all doing the best that we can, and that is all we can ask of anyone.
I am grateful for everything that I have right now, without reservation.