Managing anger: how to turn fury to your advantage

At such moments, many consoled the thought: "He was the first to start, I just answered." But this is not so. Extremely rare anger is just anger. Much more often we get angry with other people not through their fault - the causes of fury are hidden in ourselves. Anger is a typical secondary feeling that arises only as an answer to other, deeper emotions that we experience in connection with the situation.

These emotions, becoming the trigger for rage, are in most cases based on one of four reasons.

Someone by word or deed intentionally or accidentally wounded your self-esteem, humiliated you, demonstrated your insignificance. This is one of the most frequent causes of anger. Vanity is the painful point of all mankind.
Someone offers you attention, closeness, care, which you are not ready to accept now. The resulting irritation is self-protection, it works almost automatically.
Someone commits actions that categorically contradict your values ​​and ideals.
Someone by their actions violates your plans and complicates the achievement of goals.
If you determine which of these causes caused anger, it will be easier to deal with anger. Consider these four groups in more detail.

Managing anger when hurt self-love
Anger that arises in response to criticism or humiliation, psychologists call narcissistic. The reaction to it is predictable in the majority: people turn into children who repel the offender and shout to him: "It's like that!" The more restrained and rational there is another desire - to try to explain, to point out that he was mistaken in his criticism, to get him changed his mind.

Unfortunately, these tactics often do not work. If you are outraged, the matter will develop into a conflict in which your abuser hardly recognizes your rightness. If you start to explain, you are likely to be considered a bore and are unlikely to listen.

How it looks in life
Imagine her husband and father (well, let's say, Kolya), who returns home after a day's work, sees wallpaper painted by children, tired wife Nastya, and in addition she discovers a mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen. "You stayed at home all day, could not you at least wash the dishes ?!" he flares up.

Nastya predicts vomiting in response. She wants to shout: "You can not! Try to "sit at home" myself, I'll see how you manage with two children, run away with them shopping, feed them all, read books with them, you'll hang them! "Nastia is ready to list all the homework she's doing in Kolya, but he does not notice.

And, at first glance, Nastya is right. But if it gives vent to its indignation, it will only aggravate the conflict.