Until Then, Love

As I toss around in bed, I'm feeling more alone than I already am. For some reason, this silly feeling visits me just when I'm getting bogged down with responsibilities. Nostalgia, good friends in other countries, memories from my travels and everything else that made my existence more meaningful all come together like a torture. How nice it would be to have friends or someone to share the pain with right at this moment. But, I just cannot afford to feel this way. I remind myself that loneliness is a petty feeling that I should set aside for now. This is not the right time to feel, but sometimes, I'm just being human.

If there was one thing that my mum taught me was to secure our basic needs first before starting to feel for anything else. When my father passed away when I was a kid, we were left with nothing literally. He died just when he was trying to create a stable life for us. The small land that was supposedly ours was taken away by some relatives on his side, preying on our desperation and weakness. Meanwhile, my mum was swallowed by her own sadness that she could not fight for it. She remained alone for the rest of her life.

I carried the heavy burden of providing for the family. It was tiring yet eye-opening to experience the harshness of life early on. I failed to secure our basic needs. And mum was just there - not caring about anything else. It was a hard life for everyone. This is probably one of the reasons that my sister and I are still not married and without kids in our thirties. We just know that life is unbearable enough for us, why pass the misery? I even promise myself that I will be the end of our bloodline.

Last night, my mind was like a movie reel. Thoughts racing from one past scene of my life to another. It took me so long, to the point of my mum's sudden death, to understand the reasons behind her neglect, apathy, and loneliness. We didn't have a good relationship because my petty feelings mattered to me. I hold grudges and eventually turn into a total monster.

I experienced at first hand the illusion of free will. It took me so long to realize that the freedom of choice is nothing but fantasy. It's not enough to believe, or be positive, or to work hard - contrary to the popular opinion. And I don't really buy those who randomly come to my post to give me unsolicited life advice. So yes, I am bitter, and I have more reasons to be. So a mere internet stranger doesn't have to say anything at all to make me feel better. I will just end up throwing the frozen lemons to your face. Your silence will save you a lot of pain.

Now I sometimes wonder, will I be a different person if I also have a sheltered and pampered life? I will probably come out as a loving, caring, and agreeable human being. But now I have come to love my own uniqueness and attachment to chaos and cynicism. It gives me a bit of significance in this meaningless and Godless universe.

There's panic or pressure that comes with "needs'. Needs control your behavior and override everything you value. If you don't meet your basic needs first, you will most likely not care about anything else that needs your precious attention. I wouldn't care about love, companionship, and friendship until such time I can secure my own life's essentials. A man won't be able to get my attention for as long as I am not getting the stable life I promise myself. Nothing else matters to me at this point but to survive. After all, an alpha can save herself.

However, in this society, most people value love and belonging first than basic needs. For them, basic needs will naturally come after. This is why you will see families with a lot of children especially in poorer areas. You will hear all these educated tourists coming and saying "Oh they are poor but happy." Where else do you expect these people to get their pride and status from? They get their happiness from community and relationships. And this is also why there's this thing called the "first-world problem." When people have met their basic needs and leveled up the pyramid, they start focusing on getting their emotional needs like love, belonging, significance, and happiness. They start having an opinion about other things that matter such as socio-political issues.

I feel the pressure of working hard for stability while emotional needs butt in from time to time. Will I be able to pay the rent next month, will I finally have good food on the table and not just meals that I am trying to prolong, will I finally be able to afford someone to help me out in everything - including mundane things such as cleaning. It is mentally taxing to think about anything else. I am dying to get the freedom of comfort and security because I still don't know what it's like. Until then, love.