How Bad Do You Want it?

I've tried a lot of things in life and most of it has something to do with working for myself and aiming to be financially independent. I am just one of the many who dreams that idea. The question is, you've got the dreams but are you doing the work? After not getting any satisfaction working for big companies and other people, I realized that it was time to build my own dream. I failed many times in the past wondering if those things were what I really wanted in life. When I was younger, it was hard to know. Even the older people still don't get it. It was hard to be sure of something, after all, there are no guarantees in this life. I was just as confused as everyone else. I didn't have any definite plans in life. I was trying a new thing after, taking the risk of hit or miss. I was mocked and all for trying and being too ambitious.

How will I know if I don't try? In my experience, if it's something I haven't given up on until now, then maybe, it's something I want badly enough. Back in the day, I tried being a gig organizer for small music bars. It was a hit at some point. But then after the massive flop, I didn't exert that much effort anymore. If it was really what I wanted to do in life, I think any signs of defeat should not stop me from persisting and trying again. I just stopped.

Years later, I worked for big corporations and I was happy with my job position at some point. However, working with people I can't relate to made my life even worse. The worse thing for an introverted person is to be working in close proximity to other human beings, and not having her own creative way or the highway. I thought it was me. I quit. It was the end and the beginning of something.

During my travels and nomadic years, I worked temporarily for this Inca Trail travel agency. Most of these agencies are looking for people who can speak English. I worked there for a while learning the ins and outs of the tourism industry. My colleague then decided to partner up with me to set up our own travel agency. It was a promising venture partnership as I could focus on what I'm really good at, website, graphic design, digital marketing, blogging, emails, then she and her husband could focus on the operational side of things. I was willing to quit the other job in order to work on our own business. But I was put off when my web design was not being taken into consideration. I'm quite flexible but I just didn't really like the fact that someone didn't trust how I wanted things to be. After all, If I am going to be a business partner, surely I have to have a say in it too. Things got a bit dodgy when I had already started the work and she still hadn't let me sign anything saying that I am her partner. There are risky things to consider if you are doing some business in a foreign country. I just stopped the work completely. A friend once told me, "you know you could do that on your own, you don't need a partner."

I thought that was a ridiculous advice as I didn't really want to set up my own travel agency in a foreign country. I didn't want to go through all that trouble. So I tried another thing, which was to develop a booking app. I wanted to focus on the tech side of things as most of these agencies don't have their own CRM and are still relying on fliers and the old-school way of marketing. For some reason, I was discouraged to continue due to the technical difficulty of what I was developing. To get by, I became a remote social media account manager for some Yoga studio in Bali in which I've learned a lot. I quit working and just went on to continue traveling.

I was all over the place, literally. I stopped once again asking myself, when will I ever finish or continue what I've started? I told myself that I will only stop traveling when I'm already sure of something. It must be my perfectionism taking its toll. It is either, I want something 100% or not.

I think the lightbulb moment came when I started volunteering for a tour operator in the Galapagos islands last year. I was not really part of the tourism industry. I was more of an Analyst for big corporations for years. But somehow my analytical and a bit of tech side would be helpful for this industry I'm trying hard to be part of. After spending quite some time in this amazing part of the world, I decided to end my journey and come back to my own country. Armed with nothing but my own vision, I finally took my friend's advice, "I can do this on my own."

How do you know if something is what you really want? For most, it would be hard to know their own purpose. People arguably say that they might fail to chase after their own dreams, or they might not. They might end up knowing that it is not what they really want in life. I think you need the confidence to start with, you have to believe in yourself first. It wouldn't hurt to try something new, what's to lose in life anyway? As for me, I only have my own sanity to lose at this point. To know if something is what you really want depends on how much work you are putting in. It depends on how badly you really want it.

Since I came back from the Galapagos islands last year, I'm proud to say that I haven't stopped working on my project. That alone for me is my own success, thinking of all the other projects I've tried and how I've given up easily on those, giving up after experiencing early signs of defeat. Now I realize how much work I'm putting in every day and the long road it took me to reach this point. There's no turning back now. I am unstoppable.

I think about all the many things that I have to deal with in this journey, that stand between me and my goals, that rock me off center. Each of those is just an interruption, asking me, how bad do I want something and how much work will I put in? I think success for me is not really about the money or how little or how much I'm earning, it's more about the daily work I put in. It's the excuses I ignore. It's how I plan things to be according to my design this time around.