Grey Matter

I have this weird thing going on and I'm sure nobody can relate. I am currently designing my kitchen wall for anyone who would be coming for some afternoon tea time. I couldn't take the bright yellow paint that I have to divert my focus. Anyway, cutting letters is actually a fun thing to do, and very relaxing too. It's my newfound form of meditation, rehabilitation, and self-reflection. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I have nothing to do anymore or I'm bored as F, it's just that sometimes I want to pause and feel everything that I'm feeling. I'm tired of thinking I just want to cut.

My bicycle is broken at the moment so it's hard for me to get to the beach to have my skin devoured by sandflies. There are things that I still need to purchase in order to make my life here completely functional, including but not limited to, being able to store cold beers to drown my sorrow. Bars are quite far. Now nearly broke as F after the move. My neighbor's feeding Feliz and I am quite happy. Perhaps I can go somewhere sometimes.

Today as I cut out the bodies of dead people, I have a think about the things that I should not be thinking anymore. I realize that if people make you think then they are probably not worth your time anymore. Tell me about the frustrating grey areas in everything, whether business, friendship, or romantic relationship, you name it. Too many shady people in this world too. I have actually spent a lot of time analyzing the behaviors of others than you know, behaving.

Are these people too bored that they try to make every little thing complicated, not necessarily exciting, for others? Surely, I don't want to be one of them. I just want to say either yes or no to something. Do I want this or not? Tell me how you feel straight up. Simple as that.

Yes, I have the answer, or no, I don't know. Reply to someone's message instead of leaving someone hanging. Is this item available? Yes or no. Don't be such an A, if you have the answer stop putting someone on seen mode. I say yes to blocking those who waste your time. Your time is golden. You are golden. Yes, can you do this for me? You hate your job then just say yes to quitting. You like to travel then yes to saving money. You are not happy with your boyfriend then no to continuing the toxic relationship. Do you respect yourself? If you refuse to act needy around people and have a high self-worth, then say no, no time for those who are disrespectful and not worth your time anymore. Do you like this person? Then say yes to telling that person. No more mind games. In reality, things should be simple. Life should have been simple. But human beings seem to make things unclear and complicated all the time.

I have realized this kind of attitude when I quit my job a long time ago. I hate living to work instead of working to live. I'm tired of being in that grey area in life. I worked full-time but I wanted more time for everything else. So finally I said yes to quitting my job and finding other means to live. Something that's more fulfilling and would give me more freedom in life.

End all the hoping and wishing. End the disappointment. End the heartaches.

At some point in my life, I was stuck in a place. I was left again thinking, should I stay or should I go? I was no longer happy there so the answer was yes. No more fooling around and taking my time to analyze. I'm outta here!

As I cut and cut, I realized how many people I have cut out of my life. Do I see myself spending the rest of my life with this person? I no longer want to be so-so about somebody just because I feel lonely or that I need someone by my side sometimes. I have lived in isolation and I don't want to be constantly in and out of the same psycho cycle of life. But my rule is simple, am I still happy with you? If not anymore, then I say yes to, goodbye, nice to know you.