Back to My Steemit Obsession and Other Things

I've been quite distracted these days that I have totally forgotten what I really live for. I have stopped becoming obsessed with my project and building a lifestyle that might give me the most choices possible. I apologize if I have stopped commenting or reading other blogs. I started delaying the things that I have to do for my venture. It really sucks to be distracted and you know that the source of all my discontent are humans. I made a try and realized that I am probably not ready to connect with a soul yet. I am too complex. I hurt those who hurt me. I've realized all of my actions and I'm ready to change. I'm ready to forgive myself. I'm ready to move forward and start focusing on reaching my life goals instead.

I look back and see how far I've come. Sure, what I've been doing is not for the faint of heart. You travel for a while then decide to move to a place where nobody knows you just to let your idea materialized. Months passed, then years. Time probably strengthened me but it didn't heal. I revel in my newfound comfort by keeping everyone at arm's length. I thought I have everything under control. I thought I'm safe from being hurt. At some point, I have to learn the consequences of mistrust. I have to stop clinging to the basket of my beliefs. Honestly, I don't take pride in what I have become and I'm glad to be made aware of my own shit too. All I need to do right now is to let go and stop trying to control things that I cannot control.

I have completely forgotten the things that I'm truly obsessed with, like Steemit and my project. For the past year, these are just what I have been doing and it's time to get back on track. Steemit has been a great help as it's not only to make a living or earn cryptocurrencies. I just don't want to feel like I have to get up to write like work. Steemit forces me to make a rough psychological contact with myself. Writing helps in making me more self-aware. I write to release my thoughts and feelings.

Tough days ahead. I know it's going to be a hard year but perhaps I just need to focus on working on what I have to do. But sometimes, it's hard to continue when you get frustrated with people, or someone, who tried to break you down and test your strength. I was paralyzed. I was better off last time but I have to take risks in order to make the change in my life. In order for me to be aware of my own shit. I was pissed off at myself at some point but that is just part of the process. I love myself for whatever I am feeling at the moment.

Aside from Steemit, I have to get back on my own routine to feel motivated. I still get up at a certain time in order to do some chores. I still get up to drink my coffee to breath in the morning's fresh air and stare at the trees. I still talk to my cat. I still have to cook some healthy meals for myself. I still have to bike to the beach. I still have to live.

I still have to rely on simple pleasures to make myself happy. The security at the beach once asked me "Do you have some business here that you have to come every afternoon?" That question bewilders me. Then someone thought that I go to the beach to meet someone. It is not a secluded beach as there are hotels and bars now. I like going to the beach even when I was traveling. If I have lived near the beach, I will surely go there every day too. But in this part of the world, it is weird to see a woman go to the beach just to watch the sunset, read a book or stare at the sea. It's something the locals cannot comprehend unless of course you are a traveler. Locals go to the beach with other people. A couple, group of friends or families. It is not something that someone will do every day. Here, people get their joy by being with other people. Through human relationships and by sharing the moment. For them, it does not make sense to see someone this alone. I myself could not understand how I have become too individualist in this collectivist society. The sea healed my broken heart in the past. Nature is my safe refugee. The only place I go to when humans failed me.

Now I want to make my own happiness my obsession. I am the only one who will ever do this. I cannot control people or the events in my life. I'm responsible for my own thoughts and how I would respond to a situation. I don't want to give anyone the power to make me unhappy. This time around, I just want to become the best version of myself.