Second chance

This is the story of my death, and my second death to come and what I intend to do about it between now and then. But this is not a story of despair or sadness, but of hope and acceptance for me, and also a sincere hope that this may offer encouragement to you,not put off another day the things you know must be done. Not to convince you that there is a God, or no God, because I do not know. But only to convince you that it does not matter. It is in fact irrelevant. Even though I am scared, more than scared, terrified. I know now the certainty of what is to come and how quick life in this world can be over with no warning at all. That there really is no tomorrow. I also know that eventually there is no escape for any of us, including you. I know too that the time I have remaining between my first death and my next is not very long. I feel it coming and I know that it is unlikely that I will be as fortunate as I was the first time around.

All that were involved in my death, from the emergency room staff, my doctor, even the pharmacist all agree that I am truly a lucky man that the timing of these events played out in the manner that they did. But it is not the idea of my demise that scares me so much, as I have already done that once, and for me the events leading up to my heart failing were filled with excruciating pain, none like I have ever experienced. The hospital staff called it the “widow maker”. It was instantly followed by the absence of all pain and the overwhelming feeling of being in a place of peace, I was welcomed it seemed in a place that had no walls or distinct form, but none the less a place. It also had the feeling of a very familiar place. It really seemed as though I had been there before. It also seemed as though I was not alone and that I cannot explain, only that it was a feeling and only a feeling, that there were other distinct presences in this place and that they were there to reassure me that it was ok, not to be afraid, that I was welcome here. My experience apparently only lasted for a few minutes, but I had no conception of the time that passed between me leaving this world and my return. For lack of better words, I was here, then I was somewhere else that was not here, then I was here again. I also must point out that whether or not this experience was “real”, as in my “soul” left this realm and moved to a different realm, I cannot say. However what I can say is that it was real to me.

The only question that remains for me now is what am I to do with this new chance on life that I have been given? Am I to continue to believe as I did before that there is plenty of time to do and accomplish the things I wanted before? Knowing with certainty now that this is a lie? Am I to complain that it is not fair knowing that there are far more deserving people that have died a premature death than I. People that deserve more, and they did not have the good fortune of coming back from death to life again. How many children alone will have died in the most horrific ways with no second chance like myself during the time that I endeavor to write this? So who am I to complain? But still what will my children do? How will they survive in this world when I leave? Will they end up destitute? Will the world crush them without me? How can they make it through the hard ships that will come with my passing? I know they will as they have no choice but to make it as life will demand, but these are the questions that consume my thoughts.

There is so much I now realize I am going to miss, far beyond just my family and friends. Even the everyday things that would seem so trivial seem so precious now. I will miss hot showers after a long day. There is a tree out back that looks as though it belongs on the plains of Africa that captures my imagination when it sways under the stars at night. Finding new artists on YouTube from all around the world who can move the soul with their craft. Or discovering the music from ages ago such as the Ode to Joy. Music from all different cultures, times and genres, that on occasion make ones hair stand on end. Watching the kids now, that has brought the art of dance to levels that seem super human. It saddens me so to know that after discovering in part at my fingertips, via the internet and technology that humanity as a whole has so much to offer and that there are individuals in this world that display such acts of courage and kindness. I will miss the rain. I will miss my children and I will miss my wife of decades that was granted the beauty of a goddess, who in all honesty is the best human being I have ever encountered. I will love her without doubt or fear for all of my days.

Then I had the idea, what if I could leave a piece of me here, live beyond my mortal flesh? What if there was a way to offer comfort to them when I am gone? What if I could leave them with a sense of my presence after my passing? Is there a way I could I console my wife in her grief and offer words of comfort to my children? Offer wisdom and guidance to them, to offer ideas, or to simply let them know that some part of me still exists and I loved them. That I was real. Then it occurred to me that in my time here trying to navigate the world, perhaps I have gained worthy insight on a number of things that may offer insight, and perhaps understanding in trying times. It also occurred to me that not only could I offer comfort and insight to those that are my family, but perhaps others as well. Perhaps on a multitude of topics. Perhaps there are others like me who are worried about the state of the world and the future when they look out into the world and see the chaos that seems to be ever expanding, the divisions growing in society but are just too busy trying to navigate their way through this world in an attempt to care of their families. Or simply too scared to stick their necks out for fear of ridicule, or for a multitude of other reasons, but still have the feeling, even if not understood, that the dragon is coming.
Then came Dr. Jordan Peterson and he showed at great personal risk that words matter, that language matters, that ideas matter, that how we conduct ourselves in this life matters. And most importantly, that if we do not pay careful attention to protect and care for the means by which we have over time, and countless generations, drug ourselves as a people out of the darkness, that we risk falling back into the chaos that seems eager to consume the world yet again, and we must not let that happen.

So what is to be done? How does one fight back against an idea, or set of ideas that has its roots buried deep within each and every one of us at our core? An idea reinforced with emotion that appeal both to our feeble intellect and our nature. That if one has, all must have .One that says you have a right to all that the world offers by default for simply being alive. That all must be given, and not earned. That a son must atone for the sins of the father, that this generation must pay for the sins of last and that each generation must bind the next to come. That someone else must be at fault for your shortcomings and that someone must help in the bearing of the cross upon which you are nailed.
However appealing it seems to both intellect and reason, it is wrong. The dragon awaits us all and It is not a multitude of men that can overwhelm it, but the courage of the one.
I wish you well,
Most sincerely
Douglas