365 Days That Count - Day 55 - Time to speak up. Letting go of victim's guilt.

I've suppressed this for too long, allowing it to become my secret instead of his so as hard as it is for me to post this, I have to.

A few years ago something horrible happened at a year end function. My two bosses were there, one of which I worked directly under and was very close to and the other whom I'd never really warmed to or trusted.

We were all a little drunk by the time my boss went home but the other one stayed. A group of us - including him - moved on to a pub and from there everything gets a little hazy. According to my colleagues he immediately zoned in on me, feeding me drinks, permanently looking for me or at me. I didn't really notice, I was having fun - I'm a very happy drunk and clearly a very naive one and by this point I was drunker than I think I've ever been.

I feel sick writing this. The whole thing makes me feel dirty. We knew he was jealous of my relationship with his partner, but no one could've anticipated that he would have taken it that far.

My memory of the night is patchy at best, I don't know how it all joins up or in what order but I remember him putting his hands all over me on the dance floor, I remember him pulling me away from the others again and again, I remember being outside against a wall with his hands on either side of my head and I remember finding it strange and funny. One of my colleagues who was and is a very close friend saw the state I was in, realised he had made me his mission and took it upon herself to be my body guard. She stopped drinking and followed me where ever I went.

I don't even want to think about what would've happened if she didn't - the next time I went to the toilet he tried to force his way into the cubicle, she held the door closed, I remember her yelling at him while he shouted to me that he wanted to go for a drink down the road, this happened 3 times.

I hate the fact that I was so stupid, so naive, so drunk. But anyone there that night will tell you he made getting me hammered his mission. By the end of the night there were only a few of us and my colleague was doing her best to get me home safely. She called a taxi and took my keys and went to tell him we were leaving.

All I remember next is getting in his car.

Apparently she went back inside to say goodbye to the others, turned around to find me and I was smiling and waving out of his passenger window. Another colleague ran to get me out and he turned so sharply he almost ran over her feet. I just thought we were going on to the next place and that they were meeting us there. That's what he'd said.

I don't know where we went but I remember wondering why we were parked in a quiet street and then suddenly he was all over me. I was so confused, trying to work out what was going on but my mind couldn't catch up, I was literally too far gone. I remember bits and pieces and all of it makes me feel utterly sick. I can't go into the details, but it was bad, not as bad as it could've been but bad enough. I don't remember getting home but my mum had been informed by my colleague and was there when he dropped me off over an hour later. She said I was so pissed she couldn't even ask me what happened and just put me to bed.

I woke up the next day - still drunk - with no phone, no car and no car keys desperately trying to piece together the sickening images flashing through my mind.

I found my spare key and then my car and drove, shaking, to the office. My colleague and I immediately left. She was outraged and I was devastated. I cried and nearly vomited as the sense of violation set in. I didn't know what to do, I was terrified and mortified and in shock. We went back to the office as he arrived, I couldn't look at him, he tried to make light of it whispering that I had bitten him when he walked past my desk. No fucking wonder, I didn't know my arse from my elbow. I left early and hid in my room for the rest of the day, crying myself to sleep.

It took me 24 hours of nausea to accept what had happened really had and work up the nerve to talk to him. I mustered every bit of strength I had left to tell him what I thought of him. I told him I knew he had purposefully got me drunk and taken advantage of me, that he tricked me into his car, that he could've been a lamppost, that I was not and would never be a notch on his belt, that I wasn't going to blame myself or let him convince me I was a participant, that I hoped he was disgusted with himself, that he had sleepless nights, that I would never forgive him and that I felt sorry for his wife.

At the end of it he stuck out a sweaty shaking hand asking for a truce, apologising and saying it wouldn't happen again - no shit it wouldn't happen again.

I didn't know what else I could do, I was scared people wouldn't believe me, that they would say I was drunk and at least partially to blame. And mostly I didn't want to put my boss in an impossible position. I knew he would be furious and I was terrified that it would be easier to believe the worst of me than accept that someone he had built an empire with was capable of something so disgusting.

In retrospect I displayed typical behaviour of a victim; you take on the guilt, worrying that society will blame you - especially as a woman - for bringing it upon yourself.

His partner never let us be alone again, always walking in to the office when we were meeting or finding us when we went to site together. I tried to deal with having to see him but I couldn't. Just over a month later I resigned. It wasn't the only reason but it was a big one. 2 years later I still hadn't told him what happened. I always thought his partner would have told him some sordid version and the fact he didn't ask me made me think he didn't want to judge me by it but he also didn't want to talk about it.

We went for lunch yesterday which we do every couple of months and had a fair amount of wine. He told me about a new project they're working on and when my face twisted, asked me why I hated his partner. I was so caught off guard I told him the truth. It turns out he knew nothing. It was awkward and painful and difficult but as hard as it was, I could feel the weight lifting off my chest with each word. He said he had always wondered why I'd left so suddenly and was sorry for what I'd gone through. As we left I apologised for telling him so suddenly and putting him in such an awkward position and he turned around and said I was the victim and he was so sorry.

I got in my car and cried with relief and gratitude. By calling me a victim he acknowledged that I wasn't to blame and in doing so calmed my worst fear.

I don't know what's going to happen now, he said he was going to talk to him about it. I spoke to my colleague as I left, she calmed me down telling me what happens next is not my problem, I've told the truth and freed myself. She said she will back me 100% and hadn't said something before only because I'd asked her not to. I was a bit of a wreck for the rest of the day, it brought back so many memories I have tried hard to squash - it felt like the morning after all over again.

But I know it was the right thing to do. It's not my secret, it's not my guilt.

I'm sitting here with shaking hands, a lump in my throat and a knot in my tummy. No matter how long it's been I will always get a shiver down my spine thinking about that night, but I have to let it go and move on and by telling the truth I am beginning to do that. This is not well written and I can't read it again but I have to be brave and press post anyway.

As Elvis said, "Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away." This has been a difficult scar to uncover but I know I have to do so in order to move forward.

Love,

Daisy xx

( @daisyd )