365 Days That Count - Day 332 - Finding myself unexpectedly heartbroken 💔 A painful release as years of pent up emotion came flooding to the surface.

I don't know where to even begin describing the day he left. It's a blur of anxiety, shock and heartbreak. This whole thing was so unexpected, I wasn't ready for him to arrive in my life and it turns out, I certainly wasn't ready for him to leave.

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We had such an amazing chat the night before, about love and life and the walls we've built to protect ourselves from them. We recognised the unspoken connection we have. He said how he loves to make me laugh till I cackle, look at me and see me know exactly what he's about to say before he does. I told him that I think we're all just little energy balls bumping into each other, some harder than others and perhaps he should consider that he's not too much, he's just never met anyone who's enough. We stared at each other for a while. There were fireworks. It was amazing. I've written and re written this paragraph so many times, trying to tell you what happened and only feeling like I'm breaking his trust with something that doesn't do the moment justice anyway. So please just take my word for it even though I'm not giving you many of them. I woke up the next morning and rolled over to see his sleepy smile pull me to the other side of my bed. It was so easy. Everything felt natural and normal yet exciting and surprising all at the same time.

I've had some roller coaster romances in my life but somehow this was different. It was more. It was like a little life in 9 days. And then he had to go.. 💔

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As soon as we left our little cocoon the anxiety set in. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling so I just shut down. To be honest I didn't even know what I was feeling so I didn't have much chance of expressing it.

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I had no idea quite how deeply he had effected me, I just felt awkward and weird, wanting to say everything and nothing, wanting him to say something to reassure me I wasn't going mad, it was that intense and the fact that he had to go was shit. But we didn't say anything, we just listened to music and laughed it off. It was definitely different to how it had been, it wasn't as easy but I guess if it had been easy to let go it wouldn't have been worth holding on to. Finally it was time and we headed to the airport. I took them to the drop and go but nobody moved. None of us wanted to get out the car. I couldn't hold it in any longer and reached out to touch him, he immediately turned his entire energy towards me and took both my hands in his. My chest was getting tighter and the millions of unsaid things were flying around my car like birds trying to escape a conservatory, finding light but no opening. Eventually Joel left us and went to find something in his bag which to his credit took way longer than it could ever have actually taken, giving us a few minutes alone. To look at each other. To kiss. To not say all the things we wanted to but somehow understand anyway. God this is hard to write. Fuck. Finally we got out the car and it was time to let go. We hugged and hugged and kissed and still stood there not knowing quite how to come apart. He told me not to cry on the way home, I said I wouldn't - I hadn't had time to even think about my reaction let alone predict it - after another minute or so I said "ok, I'm going" squeezed him one more time and got in my car. We waved and blew kisses till I couldn't see them any more. I got as far as the end of the airport building before my chest exploded. I don't know how else to describe it. I cried uncontrollably and so hard it hurt. I don't think I've cried like that in a decade if not more. I don't let myself get vulnerable often, let alone broken. I cried all the way home, loudly and painfully, completely shocked at my reaction and completely helpless to stop it. Sitting in traffic weeping and repeating "what the fuck" over and over I realised I didn't have my phone. I needed Emmah. Badly. I prayed for the last few minutes of my drive that she was home before grabbing my phone and calling her from my driveway. I couldn't even speak but I didn't need to, she was home and I was on my way before I'd even hung up. I got to her and let go of whatever was left of my guard. How had this man touched me so deeply? How had I not known until now. Suddenly all of the lessons he'd taught me became clear, all of the moments he'd seen me more honestly than I'd ever been seen went flashing through my mind. My heart was broken and I hadn't even realised he had it. And now he was gone. 8000 miles away to a whole other life and I had to find the strength to be grateful for all that he had been and not resentful of all that he couldn't be. I knew this, from the get go, but it didn't stop it from hurting. It still hurts. Writing this hurts. But the fact that it hurts as much as it does is also beautiful. Some people never find the kind of connection that touches your soul and we did, even if we didn't get long. I not sure how many hours Em and I sat there for, drinking, crying, laughing, crying again. As hurt as I was I felt more gratitude that night than I have in a long time. For my friend and for the man who'd brought me crashing down and in doing so unlocked a cascade of emotion that had been firmly locked away for far too long. These were blocked tears and they weren't all for him but he gave me an outlet, he stripped away my armour and made me feel and I'm truly grateful. It was a pivotal and incredibly difficult day and I know I will look back on it as the beginning of a new chapter in my life, but that's tomorrows post, I'm done for today.

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Love,

Daisy xx

❤︎

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