365 Days That Count - Day 301 - Time may not heal all but with space & perspective, we can always find forgiveness. ♥︎

daisyd (65)in #life • 7 years ago

My cousin and I had a fall out a year ago and having been incredibly close before we haven't been since. It shouldn’t have been anything more than an unpleasant conversation but it was blown out of proportion and what started as a molehill was soon made into a mountain.

We’re both responsible in different ways, I know I'm stubborn and sensitive and it became an issue of principle for me, making it even harder to back down and she got incredibly defensive, making her unable to see the situation rationally or objectively. I can't control anyone's behaviour but my own so I can't learn her lessons for her but there are certainly a few for me to take from the situation. Although I really do believe my reason for confronting her to begin with remains valid, I am aware of many areas I could've improved my approach and subsequent reaction. I find speaking up for myself hard, it makes me awkward and I tend to feel resentful before I've actually got anything off my chest because I find it so hard to do so. What this means is that before I've given someone a chance to change whatever it is that they're doing to hurt me, I am beyond what one would deem a "normal" level of upset for the first communication on a topic. I think it's because I'm intuitive and empathetic to a fault, so it's seldom that someone has to spell out how they're feeling to me, therefore sometimes I find it frustrating and disappointing when others aren't able to read me as I read them. But therein lies my second mistake, I am not easy to read. I have a very evolved mask and seldom let it down and if negative, I am far more comfortable dealing with other people's feelings rather than my own. This leads to another issue, namely my delivery of the feelings I find so hard to communicate. By the time I'm forced to actually spit it out I have all but shut off already, I'm the most Cancerian Cancerian I know and our symbol is a crab for good reason; we're soft on the inside, hard on the outside and always have a place to go and hide our feelings. My delivery can therefore be rather blunt to say the least, I'm not at ease enough to cushion the blow with niceties and as I said, by the time I actually say what I'm feeling I'm already disappointed and resentful of being made to do something as difficult as I find telling someone they're letting me down.

All this means that I can come across as harsh, direct and unwavering which is far from my intention but sometimes the only way I'm able to communicate, so it's either that or shutting up and continuing to swallow whatever it is that's causing me anxiety which isn't healthy, so it becomes a bit of a conundrum.

Anyway, for lots of reason I got to the point where I couldn't contain my feelings any longer and I let them out in my weird way. It was not received well. I think in part because I went from not broaching the subject at all to being incredibly direct about it, I sometimes forget that the other person may not have spent as much - if any - time pondering the topic and so don't give them as much of an intro as I should because I've gone over it so many times in my head before it actually comes out my mouth that it feels like a continuation of a conversation... that I've been having with myself. Regardless of the delivery there was also a lot of truth to what I said which is never easy to accept when it's not flattering. I don't often lay my cards on the table and when I do it's hard to argue with me. I'm not a confrontational person but I am incredibly in touch with my feelings and rather articulate so I don't say things or accept excuses lightly. She pushed me to the point where I had to go into a lot more detail than I would've liked to which didn't serve her well and she eventually apologised. But it was one of those apologies you get when someone knows they're wrong and there's nothing else they can do to pretend otherwise, not the kind of apology you want, when someone realises they've hurt you and regardless of the details is truly sorry for doing so. Hence for the year since our relationship has been distant to say the least. I've cut myself off from the feelings of disappointment and - in my opinion - her ego hasn't let her reach out. Until recently. She sent me a text about a month ago saying she'd been going through our old messages and wished we could be as close again. Enough time had past and although it wasn't a real apology it was an olive branch, I'm not an arsehole and I wasn't going to make her beg, it was enough for me to open a little piece of my heart to her once more. I don't have siblings so my cousins are very important to me and I think that's why I can be as cold as I am when they hurt me, it breaks my heart and sadly it's happened with a few of them over the years. But Sarah didn't mean to break my heart, she was just thoughtless and perhaps a little selfish and then defensive to the point of cutting her nose off to spite her face, it certainly wasn't malicious and therefore definitely deserved a second chance.

So when I decided to go to JHB I knew we had to do something. The fact that I was staying with Donovan made it a lot easier as it could just be a cousin's catch up instead of us having to rehash anything that really didn't need rehashing.

Sarah's daughter, Bella and Melina and Dylan are also cousins and it's important they spend time together so we found a nice kiddies restaurant where they could paint and play and we could drink wine and catch up. We didn't go over what had happened and I'm glad, we just caught up and slowly but surely the awkwardness fell away till we were laughing and teasing each other like we always have. It was really lovely and I felt my heart lighten knowing that this was the beginning of our next chapter and that no matter how hard or unpleasant this interval may have been, it would serve it's purpose - just like everything else - and we would now be able to move forward with a little more understanding of one another. At the end of the day, she's family and there's really nothing more important than that. It's not going to go back to how it was over night but it's better and as long as we both continue to make an effort it will keep getting better till eventually, although slightly different perhaps, it'll surpass where it was. I'm grateful for the healing we've both received and for the opportunity to continue to learn the many lessons this has reminded me of.