The Pain of Poverty

I haven't been able to write the past few days, because I've been sick... poor sick.

I thought I had been freed from depression and I'm nowhere where I've been in the past, but not being able to get work has been incredibly depressing.

That's why they called it the Great "Depression".

I had some alcohol and have just been in a drunken stupor for days. I feel like such s@#t, and no matter how much I drank did the pain lift - in fact it's only made it worst.

I haven't eaten in days, and my ferret has just ran out of her food.

I just checked my bank account and it's in the negative - boy have I messed up.

Asking for help is so hard - I'm fortunate enough to have a roof over my head, but even asking for $10.00 is dreadful, because I've always worked for everything I have and they know I'm pretty hard on myself for not being able to find work. I've always had work and this is the first time in my life I've ever been in this situation.

I've had a bizarre life. One where I worked so hard, but always just missing the opportunity by the skin of my teeth.

I started my first business when I was about 8 years old. I grabbed my toys and set up shop right in front of the gas station we lived next too. That didn't last too long and had to move the shop in front of my house, but even then I was shut down when my mother found out I was selling my toys. Still made enough to buy some bubble gum. :)

When I was a teenager about 14 years old I started a zine called Mud Puddle. It also acted as a record distribution where I was able to get record labels to send me their stuff on consignment and I was sell the records at shows or through mail order. I never made anything because I had this issue that would continue through out my life of actually charging to where I made a profit.

I started screen printing and would print my friends bands, but I never charged much.

Years later I started a band and I released our own vinyl. We played shows, I printed our t-shirts. I eventually took that record label and began releasing other people's music. Still, for some reason that never did well. I was even given a loan on that it didn't work out.

Years later I started a clothing business where I designed and printed my own t-shirts. I eventually stopped doing that since I put myself into college to try and get a real job.

I got married surprisingly, but was stranded in Mexico a few weeks thanks to Hurricane Wilma coming through.

I got my degree very well - probably the only truly successful/completed task I've ever done.

As soon as I got my degree I got a job right away. I was there for about 7 years. I ended up quitting, because my wife was divorcing me throwing me into major depression, but I lucked out and got freelance work. I should have not quit my serious job - that was a huge mistake.

After I quit I ended up getting a freelance client that I stuck with for 3 years. I had so much work by them that I didn't need to find other clients, so I didn't bother putting my stuff out there. That relationship ended in May and I've been out of work since.

Around the time we split I bought a 4 color screen printing rig. Bought all these shirts and tried to sell them. Didn't sell one. So this thing is just sitting collecting dust.

Right after I lost my freelance work I took a chance and put it into bitcoin cloud mining, and yes they stole my money.

Steemit has actually been the only way I have income. Even a few dollars is wonderful, but it's obviously not enough - I need work. I also have relaunch and old endeavor that I hope kicks in, but I never made any income off of it.

When I take my resume to someone they see mostly someone who's been working for himself, and for some reason this scares people to death. I couldn't even get a job at burger king!

I'm the kind of person who is very reliable when it comes to work - I'm the guy who's always on time - and delivers just as asked. So, part of my pain in poverty is knowing this and not knowing why I can't find work.

Being poor is very painful

I'm not a person who is aiming to be rich (perhaps I should) - I've always been modest. I've never been homeless, but I've come very close at times. I've never panhandled or been that far, because I've always had my family's help. Compared to how I feel right now, I can't even begin to think about what it would be like to be homeless.

And to think of that - I see how cities in the US treat these people. There's got to be another way...

Society is so screwed up. I'm not saying that people should have everything handed to them. In fact I think the opposite, but there's this thing where when you reach a certain age you become unhireable. I think that age is 30. Once 30 it becomes harder and harder to get work. I turn 40 next month - so it's death for me.

If any out there can learn from these words - take life serious. If I could go back and knocked some sense into me I would. I'd tell myself to focus on school. Focus on getting that career started soon, and stick with it. I tried to do it on my own for my whole life and failed.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a downer. I had to get it out. I just really want to work, bad.

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