Word of the day “Talk” - Not Something That I Usually Feel Like Doing

It may seem as if I am a fairly talkative person, I do have a lot to share but seldom do I actually feel like talking about my life events or emotions in real life.

Today I was kind of looking forward going to my therapist only to find out when I got there I have mixed up the days. Something I’ve always struggled with is keeping my schedule straight, with everything that’s happened this week I was kind of interested to see what insights Blair may provide.

The secretary was of no help, I guess the scheduling is left up to the therapist with the individual and the secretary had no access to the scheduling to even tell me when my appointment was in the first place. So I’m left to wonder did I screw up again or did my therapist make a mistake? I thought my appointments were supposed to be weekly so why would he not make sure that I was aware he was skipping a week? I have mentioned to him several times that I have a hard time keeping a schedule, was he just testing me? I hate my brain at times!

Typically when I am interacting with people in the real world I try to avoid subjects of negativity as it just brings my overall mood down. Where most people can talk about these things and then carry-on in their day, I tend to get stuck. Even just discussions of insights towards my mind and it’s workings can leave me in a place of feeling low. I avoid talking about my emotions because I am constantly at odds with them continuously questioning and second guessing. Writing like this is easier for me then speaking to someone, even recording a vlog is easier.

Today I’m back to work with skipthedishes, I was able to remember I had an appointment with Blair because I made a mental note connecting my shift alert with the appointment. Remember when you get a shift alert go to the appointment, clean the car, start your shift, go to the “hot spot” and blog. So here I am blogging yet I missed a step and my brain is looping over the possibilities. That one missed step makes all the difference, even when I mix something up simple like this it leaves me reeling about everything to the point I start checking what day it is in the first place.

This experience writing has been better for me then talking ever has, really hard to explain all the different aspects. I can just get it out, you wouldn’t believe how many times I reread my own work expanding on the ideas. Sometimes I read things I have done in bewilderment, as if it wasn’t me writing in the first place. Where did that come from I often think but seldom does my view change rather what was written is more true to my emotions then what I am willing to physically talk about.

Supposedly it’s all a way of protecting myself by controlling situations to which my experiences have led too fluctuations in my emotions. I know that even when simply talking about something I can work myself up and for every high there is a low, the low always lasts longer. I even avoid talking about things I am happy for or proud of because even these things inevitably lead to a low feeling but not when I write. I still wonder why this is, why can I write about it feeling the emotions and still be able to let go yet I cannot talk about them and be able to let go?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!!!

Thats it @d00k13 OUT

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