The Poindexter's Tragic Idea

It would appear as though corporate greed has completely gone off the rails. An incomprehensible new trend in office environments is taking all the MBA-holes by storm. You know it as the "open office" environment. Completely devoid of actual offices, full-sized cubicles, short walls or visual barriers, the "new" office environments are as regressive as the 1900's, minus the perks.

Somewhere in the world--probably in sweet, sweet privacy--sits the genesis Poindexter who hatched this horrific idea. Perhaps s/he received a nice $500 bonus for performing a return on investment analysis indicating that companies can reduce real estate expense by stacking employees on top of each other.

The Sell

The promised virtues of the open office, as sold to employees, include increased transparency, promotion of fairness, and increased collaboration! It will be so great they say!

First what "transparency" are we talking about here? Are people in normal office environments hiding important documents from co-workers? Perhaps someone got themselves upset because a co-worker isn't in full visual range for 9 hours straight? Are people hiding behind file cabinets?

And what of this "fairness?" The only thing that comes to mind is preponderance of "executives" in-fighting for corner offices with wall-length windows, a view of the city, and a functioning door. The rest of the employees have always been relegated to the "floor" of cubicles, anyway. Are we to believe that executives will be relinquishing their sweet digs to work at the cafeteria-style tables with the grunts? I think not.

Let's not forget the promise of a magical increase in collaboration. This promise implies that most people do not have the common sense to get up, walk over to the person they need to see, and have a conversation. In addition, we never use phones, instant messaging, conference rooms or lunches to speak with each other. It is assumed that we simply aren't collaborating and it's those pesky partial walls that are stopping us.

The truth about promises used to sell open office environments to employees is nothing but a thinly veiled effort to reduce real estate costs. Period. Which leaves us to wonder, if real estate expense reduction is the real goal, why not have everyone work from home? The cost savings on toilet paper and plastic forks alone would probably increase margins.

The Reality of it All

So perhaps you think I'm just a crybaby who can't just get on board with the latest MBA trends. Well, you'd be right about that. But that doesn't negate the fact that the open office environment has some incredibly unpleasant side-effects for workers.

By far the worst characteristic of this "collaborative" environment is the noise. The epic, endless, monotonous noise, occasionally pierced by shrill laughter, bodily noises, and that one dick who has to shout everything he says.

The absence of privacy is soul-crushing. There's nothing quite like having a call with the doctor's office who insists on having a description of your symptoms before setting a simple appointment. Welcome to Ted's rectal itching, everyone. Worse yet, you simply cannot have a phone meeting without the party on the other end inquiring about all that damn noise on your end. But maybe you won't hear what they are saying to you anyway (hint: you won't). Pissed at your wife today? The 25 people in earshot of that call are going to have a fun recap of that precious phone argument while they have drinks tonight. And good luck trying to concentrate on your impending deadline by adding noise-on-top-of-noise with headphones.

If you are the easily distracted type, this environment is your worst nightmare. The heavily perfumed and wheezy lady sitting next to you eating microwaved fish and burned popcorn has restless leg syndrome. Try not to notice that leg bouncing up and down for nine hours straight. Just try.

So you want to take a moment on the internet to refocus, right? You know, peek at the news, check the game score, or see if your paycheck was deposited. Do it twice and the office sycophant will be reporting you to management for "being online all day instead of working". This actually happens where I work.

Let's also not ignore the fact that some people are as dumb as a box of rocks and come to work sick. Welcome to every co-worker's cold, respiratory infection, pink-eye, festering cold sore, and intestinal Flu--all just 2 feet away, all day.

The Bottom of the Barrel and the Bottom Line

Open office environments bring out the worst in us all. They cause stress, hostility, significantly reduced work performance, increased absenteeism, and a degree of mental illness. Remember, familiarity breeds contempt and overcrowded rats kill each other.

If you are one of the lucky who don't have to work for a living, you have the opportunity to work from home, or you are the corner office executive, then count your blessings. Then go count them again, and pray that you never end up working in this shithole of an environment.

Disagree with me? Call me out in the comments.

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