I Am Worried And Afraid Now Because Of Other People's Control Over My Well-being And Life 🎛👨🏻‍⚕️☁😞

cryptopie (81)in #life • 5 years ago (edited)

My Nurses And The Weather Are To Blame For This Hardship

My nurse the last time I had my dialysis just didn't took off the full amount that she supposed to take and left me with more than a liter/Kilo of extra water in my body. That is considering that I still have extra water in my system already so now in effect I am left with breathlessness and I feel bloated already.

If I leave it that way I will be added with extra bit by bit until my heart would give up and that is for sure. The only way I think around it was for me to control my own water outtake via a process that id called a Peritoneal dialysis where a dialysate is introduced in my belly, to my peritoneal cavity about three times per day and when drained out it will take some water from my system.

My Hangmen Are M Nurses And The Weather

The thing is that I needed some clean room for that matter and not this kind of room and house that I am living into at the current moment. Part of the problem was my mother not letting me get that kind of dialysis because she couldn't grasp why that kind of dialysis could clean the body plus due to the fact that I would have a catheter/tubing stuck into my abdomen scares her off.

It is hard when you are confronted with these kinds of factors where some people have a big influence in your life and you are helpless about it. So I am now afraid and worried that I will really continue to have a hard time like currently I am having where it is now hard to sleep and the weather is also not helping me for that matter because every drop of fluid that intake is counted without my body having the ability to let out some fluids via perspiration considering that this cold weather would persist until maybe February which I do not know if I will reach.

I Have To Control My Life But It Seems To Be I Am Not In Total Control

This is the thing that I do not like which is to die slowly with a kind of lingering death. So I just hope to just either die fast or achieve my goals. Heck I would really get myself a Kidney transplant from a cadaver if I would have the financial capacity and sustainability. I guess that it will solve my problem with my Parathyroid as well and would put me in a much better condition even for a short while. I do not know if it is still feasible but i still want to undergo radical or I should say now ambitious or even crazy approaches to my body even if it will mean my death.

I accept that I will going to hit the dirt soon but what I do not like is to suffer first. Even for some animals their owners are not allowing them to suffer and we also see it in the movies where horses that got an injury that could not get treated would be shot and that happens also in veterinary clinics.

But for me which is not an animal have to undergo this kind of suffering which should not be that case and it just saddens we a lot and gives me the fright and deep worry. So sometimes I am getting the thought to just die already and end it all and unfortunately I could not take my own life for that matter because of my religious beliefs. So nothing that I could do but to exhaust all possibilities now to rectify the situation so I could feel much better in-between dialysis days lest I will drown with my own body fluids.

I know that the Sickle Of Death Will Get Me Soon But I Do Not Want To Die From A Lingering Death

These things are some very big hurdle that I have to solve myself and maybe be cunning enough to dodge this brewing factor that would mean my speedy capitualtion. I still want to win over this fight and I hope that God would will it for me to have a more comfortable final times of my life rather than to suffer much more before my spirit leaves this world.