ptsd how it all started

in life •  last year

     Hey everyone.  I have soo many new followers and I'm so grateful for all of you in helping me raise awareness for invisible disabilities.  Now that I have followers I'm going to start from the beginning.  Steemit is the first place that I chose to tell my story.  I never really have done anything like this so I didnt realize you had to have followers before you start making major posts.  So I'm going back to my first post and I'm rewriting it so you can understand my backstory and where I'm coming from.  

It all starts when I was 17 years old.  I was very close with my grandparents my whole life.  Even as a lot of teenagers gather more independence I still would stop by and see them 3-4 times a week. They traveled a lot and when I was a teenager my Great Grandmother was living with them.  She had fallen and been in her home(in the mountains in Virginia) for days until someone found her.  So my Grandfather who was a retired Navy Commander and MD and my grandmother who was a nurse took her into their home to live with them in the midwest.  They would still travel and my Great Grandmother had gotten very forgetful and would cook and start fires because she would forget.  So when they went out of town I would stay with her at their house for weeks at a time sometimes.  Even though my Great Grandmother was states away from us as children my grandmother would take us to her home in the mountains in the summer for months.  It was fantastic and we had family time every day.  

My Great grandmother had fallen a few days after a 4th of July celebration and crushed her pelvis.  She immediately went into the hospital and had surgery.  From their because my grandparents were in the mid to upper 60's decided that they were unable to care for her anymore.  After she was released from the hospital they put her in a nursing home that was only a few miles from their home and they were there every day.  I was too.  I had heard stories about nursing homes and how some families just kind of let their elders rot away to die and not visit them very often.  I didn't want my Great Grandmother to every feel like we had given up on her so I made it a point to visit her every single day.  I was in school and played tennis so I had a pretty busy schedule.  On top of that I worked a full time job.  Even after visiting hours I knew how to get in.  The nursing home staff got to know me pretty well as well so they knew I was there every day.  We were all on a first name basis.  My Great Grandmother, we called her "Grandma" had been going deaf since the age of 12.      She had hearing aids and would turn them off when she didn't feel like dealing with anyone.  There are soo many funny stories to that but I won't get into those on this post.  Also hearing aids back then weren't as discreet and great as they are these days.  That's just some more stories there.  Anyway,  I had made many friends in the nursing home from all of my visits there.  I had school one day and we knew Grandma wasn't doing well and would probably not last much longer.  Then I had a half shift at work.  I ran home and made a call to a guy I'd met that worked in the nursing home.  We had a date that night.  I told him I was getting ready to jump in the shower and then go visit Grandma and then I was supposed to meet him at some place at a certain time.  I got off the phone with him and decided that I was soo excited for my date that I would postpone my visit to see Grandma.  Mind you this was the absolute first time that I EVER did not go see her every single day.  so I took my time and showered and did a quick load of laundry even.  I was enjoying having some free time and was absolutely taking my time and enjoying the moment.  My clothes were done and I was getting dressed when the phone rang.  Something hit me.... I knew that Grandma died.  I could feel it and I could feel her.....  My mom called me and my dad into the family room and started to speak...  The whole time, mind you I was 17, I kept yelling... OMG  Grandma's dead, she's dead isn't she.  Grandma's dead...  then my mother confirmed.  The only thing I could think is I would've been there when she died but I had to be selfish and didn't go that day....  I drove to the nursing home and she was still laying in her bed.  She hadn't been out of bed since she broke her pelvis so it was close to 5-6 months of bed rest at the point.  

After meeting with the family at my grandparents house we decided that my aunt, myself and my grandparents were going to drive to her funeral in VA.  We were shipping her body back to  there to be buried by her husband who died the day I was born.  The morning we were supposed to leave I stopped by work to let them know and by school and by a dear friends house the night before so he would know but he knew when he opened the door before we even spoke.  Anyway, we were on our way We had to drive through 5 states to get there and I was a long drive.  Luckily my uncle lived in between and we were going to stop at his house and sleep to go on from there.  

I can only tell you what I've been told from here.  We had been in the car about 12 hours and we were only a few hours from my uncles house when we were in a wreck.  From what I'm told there was a car coming the opposite direction on the interstate and the woman driving claimed an animal ran out in front of her (which no other car saw) and she turned into the median.  from what I'm told it was a skate ditch type median and was cement.  Her car went into it and became airborn and landed head on with our car then their car came around and smacked the side I was on.  My grandparents died instantly and my aunt died a short time later in surgery.  I was in a coma.    

Grandma was the first really close family member that I had to deal with their death.  I lost the people I was closest with.   The people that helped me navigate life and helped me get through living with a mother and father who were constantly abusive mostly verbally since I was a teenager but it was constant berating.  

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