What an apology is and isn't
I won’t do it again is a promise
'How do I make it up to you?' is a responsibility
~unknown
My disclaimer up front is this -
I am not a social worker, psychologist or anyone with a degree in human behavior. I am a person who has experienced relational difficulties over the years from simple misunderstandings to abuse and feel I have some words of wisdom to share.
Many books and articles have been written on this subject. I am touching on the “apology” of which I believe has three parts.
"The Statement"
Saying “I’m sorry” has many meanings.
You could say, I’m sorry for your loss, or for what you’re going through", as a way of showing compassion to someone.
You could say "I’m sorry, I don’t understand could you repeat yourself”, as a polite request.
There is another “I’m sorry” — The apology.
An apology is not an "etiquette" word. Meaning, you don’t say “sorry” just to calm things down. Do it because you’re responsible.
source
The word, apology, includes personal sorrow, regret, and a wish to fix what you’ve done because you know you've caused someone injury.
In the moment of realizing personal responsibility, you have a moment, a split second to do one of two things.
You can stay with the feelings of guilt or shame and do something to heal the damage, however slight or deep.
You could in that moment, shut it down and gaslight — meaning, blame the person you’ve offended. It’s their fault that you did such-and-such. What this does is worsen the person’s pain and causes a change in focus. And we all know what happens after that.
Shouting
Denials
Blame
Who wants to live with that? Not me.
"The Promise"
With a promise comes an expectation that something will happen.
Example-
If someone promises to pay you for work done, you expect it. Trust is involved.
Your word is your vow. A word is a word but a vow suggests action. A promise is a vow.
“I won’t do it again, I promise”. I won’t do it again is a statement — adding “I promise” is huge.
It’s an expectation to the hearer that IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN.
If it does happen again, trust is broken. The vow is broken. The apology means nothing.
The Amends
“How can I make it up to you?”
This does not mean buying a card, gift, flowers or being on your best behavior for a day or an hour.
or
“how can I make it right."
These questions come from a truly sorry person who feels pain —shame, guilt, sadness, for what he/she has done.
The repentant person knows that trust is on the line and is aware of the need to accept full responsibility for the wrong deed and the repair of trust.
source
Each of these words I used are verbs. In a different context they can be nouns but in this setting they are verbs.
sorry
promise
amends
Be a person of action, not just words.
This is very deep and thoughtful. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.
It is a subject to really give thought to for sure. Our societies say I'm sorry without too much meaning and it gave me pause to think about what really constituted a true apology. Thank you for commenting.
this is excellent, practical wisdom. Unlike maxims that amount to after-thoughts, these nuggets of wisdom are before-thoughts that can guide a person's behaviour and avoid that rueful feeling of fouling up and feeling a fool. Good, sound advice
Yes, I am always "pro" something aren't I? :)
mostly proactive :)
I am sorry I haven't visited you lately, great information!
That's okay @sokal. It's a busy steemit and I miss so many of my go to sites. It's hard to keep up. You've been churning out so many outstanding photos.
wonderful information you have provided that is so useful. thanks for sharing @countrygirl
Thanks for your comments, glad that it's useful to you.
Great words of wisdom. Thanks for sharing
Thank you! I just read your blog re your house sale - did it survive the hurricane? What an awful time for everyone affected. Hope all is well.
Yes it did! Thanks for asking :) Very minor damages.
Good to hear!!!
Really moving stuff. I couldnt agree more with what you wrote.
Tough stuff to think about that's for sure.
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yes, action is what counts. So many people use the words without meaning it or reflecting that a change is required to give meaning to the words.
It's true. Then the word means nothing. I don't know how many times I hear, "sorry" and the person does the exact thing over and over. It becomes meaningless.
for sure - it almost becomes annoying. But i think kids are trained to say sorry at a stage when they don't even understand what that means. Trained that saying it is enough in a sense....
perhaps....I know a lot of insecure ppl say it a lot but within the context of my post I hoped my message would go to those who say it as an almost dismissive way to move away from the responsibility of their actions.
I always taught my kids actions and words produce consequences and to make sure what they did was thought through. Did they follow it? Ha....nope. They found their own way of dealing with difficulties and relational problems.
I always enjoy your comments.