RE: Sometimes I'm jealous of others' belief in a god.
You say that you had faith and then lost it.
Yet, lookit - all you ever had and described having - were the outside trappings of a religious life. Like so many women, you were and still are but a clown, a dressed up mime trying to ape and exaggerate the movements of spirit you've never had, because that was your job in the circus.
As an ordinary woman without any profound Jean d'Arc gifts or leanings, you never had faith to begin with, and were never supposed to clownishly pretend to have it.
Your prescribed path lay through love. Loving and unconditionally serving a righteous husband, one who has unshakeable faith, would ironically have saved you by connecting you to the Kingdom of God through the husband. Sadly, today's circumstance has inverted all this for you and left you stranded for good.
This is . . . a comment for the ages.
You're still breathing, so the life of spirit is not over for you.
If you ask me, you have been quite unlucky in your choice of husband. I know this because I've read your post about "open marriage" and the dead giveaway is that he tolerates the very idea of it from you. You simply cannot be a happy woman with a man like that, honeyscriber.
Meanwhile true happiness is right next to holiness (from the word "whole"), so how can anyone expect you to be spiritual without even being happy, whole?