I had my first run in with Depression about 20 years ago. Such a long time. Before that, I think I was a completely different person,
I had been with my boyfriend of the time for about 4 years and, as most relationships do at some point, it was all falling apart. It was just one of those things, and I was lucky enough that it was an amicable split (I actually saw the guy for the first time in 20 years since we split a few months ago in a bar and we sat and had a drink together and a chat and it was lovely).
I had had relationships before, and been through break ups. I knew how to deal with it and I knew what to expect.
But this was so much worse.
Yes, I was obviously going to be upset that the relationship had ended and I was going to be upset that all the plans we had had weren’t going to happen, but oh my god this knocked me for six.
I couldn’t get out of bed for days. I stopped eating. I just felt numb. I couldn’t get into the shower. I wouldn’t leave the house.
Yep, Depression had come to visit me, and she certainly made herself feel at home.
I remember that even at that time, I knew how I was feeling was a lot lot more than I should have been. I remember knowing at the time that this was something a lot more serious that just the break up of a relationship. But I had no one to talk to.
This was 20 years ago, so I didn’t have any sort of access to the internet. There were certainly no smart phones yet, in fact I didn’t even have a mobile phone yet (although I think there were a few on the market!), I didn’t have internet access at work as that privilege was just reserved for managers in those days. As a result, I wasn’t able to find anything out about depression.
People didn’t talk about depression then. And they still don’t now, not enough anyway.
There is nothing shameful about having Depression. And we shouldn’t feel as though we need to hide from it.
The only way to beat her is to talk about her and understand her. Even when that’s hard (and oh my goodness, isn’t it always hard?
I am eternally grateful to the guys at Blurt for getting the message out there – Depression, we know you want us to pretend you don’t exist, but hey guess what, we’re not scared of you.