My Friend Billy The Pig Farmer

Living in a small rural area in Pennsylvania, I have been fortunate enough to come across a lot of crazy characters in my life. One of my favorites was Billy the pig farmer. Billy passed away several years ago, but his legend lives on. I'm going to share a few stories here that can be told in a public forum. Believe me there are many stories the public may never be ready for.

Billy was a garbageman by trade, but his real passion was raising his beloved pigs. Probably because Billy was quite a hog himself. He ate and drank with no mercy.

He made his rounds collecting slop buckets from local restaurants in his van that was proudly adorned with a "Makin Bacon" magnet. If somebody would comment on his magnet, good or bad, Billy responded with grunts and huffing like a hog getting it on.

Billy loved pro wrestling. He bore a striking resemblance to infamous pro wrestler George "The Animal" Steele. Actually Billy was older, so The Animal resembled him. Back in the day the WWF would make regular stops in nearby Hazleton, PA. Billy was always there (me too with my Dad and brother). If The Animal was in the ring, Billy would run down by ringside and start yelling and slapping his head just like the wrestler. Steele would ignore him but the crowd would always pop. Then security would escort him back to his seat while the crowd booed. I have no doubt that getting the crowd to cheer his Animal impersonation was one of Billy's favorite moments in life. He enjoyed being an oddball.

Billy's Doppelganger
George "The Animal" Steele.

Of course the security team at St. Joseph's Gym was well aware of Billy before he started his George Steele impersonations. In the early 1970's he was thrown out of the building for attacking Killer Kowalski. Kowalski was 6'7 and 280 pounds. Billy was 5'8 and a husky 300 plus. Since he was built like one of his hogs, let's just say running was not his forte. He barely grabbed Killer before security was on him. Billy was banned from the matches for a while, but eventually he was allowed to return. With a warning to behave himself. HA! Well, he never did try to get in the ring again. Billy insisted he would have killed that son of a bitch if security hadn't stopped him.

Billy's Mortal Enemy
"Killer" Kowalski.

Despite not being afraid of the villainous Kowalski, Billy was terrified of snakes. I discovered this first hand when I was around ten years old. The family dairy farm was still in full operation back then and summer time meant hauling hay. Being a good family friend (and enjoying the free beer when we finished) Billy was usually around to help.

I wasn't big enough yet to throw hay bales on the truck, so my job was to drag bales over to the truck. I went to drag a bale and discovered a snake mutilated by the baler wrapped up in the hay. I went to my uncle Henry to ask him what to do with the bale. Being one of Billy's best friends and fully aware of Billy's fear of snakes, he told me to leave it alone and hollered to Billy to go grab the hay. Billy rambled over, started to lift the bale, saw the snake, threw the bale up in the air, screamed like a madman, and took off running through the field much faster than a 300 pounder in his 50's should be able to run while cursing out my uncle. My uncle laughed his ass off. I stood there feeling bad for Billy. OK, I laughed my ass off too.

Run Billy Run

One last story. Hmm, how to put this delicately. When Billy had to go, he had to go. And I'm not only talking about number one. He was well known for ruining his underwear.

My uncle Henry purchased a tractor and borrowed a rollback from a friend to pick it up. Billy goes along for the ride. On the way home, the rollback breaks down along the highway. So there they are stranded roadside waiting for a tow truck. My uncle is talking to Billy when he says Billy got that funny look on his face that only meant one thing. He asked him very compassionately "You have to shit, don't you?" Billy told him yes. So my uncle, once again with great understanding, told him "You better find a bathroom because you're not riding home with me if you got a load in your pants."

So looking up and down the road, they spot what looks like a business a couple hundred yards down the road. So Billy starts walking that way. Like I said, he was a very big guy and advancing in age so by time he reached his destination he was a little out of breath. Well, a lot out of breath. The business in question was a greenhouse with a teenage girl working behind the counter. Here comes Billy through the door. Out of breath, ready to mess himself, and of course bearing a strong resemblance to the "Animal." Before the young girl could even say hello, Billy uttered these words : "Honey, I have to shit."

I can only imagine the look on that poor girl's face. She was so stunned, she didn't say a word. She simply pointed to a door. Billy goes through the door into a hallway and luckily stumbled upon a bathroom. Barely made it in time. Knowing how he ate and drank, I'm sure it needed a good airing out after he was finished. Finishing his business, Billy left telling the girl "Thanks hon." on his way out.

I hope you were able to get a laugh or two from these stories. I'm getting tired of typing so you'll have to wait another day to hear about the time Billy got his van stuck in a creek or how he almost electrocuted himself on Christmas day with a fork and a toaster or any number of funny stories Billy left us with. He was truly a piece of work. He was also a World War II veteran serving in the U.S. Navy. Thank God they kept him on a boat or he might have single handedly wrecked Europe with his debauchery.