Again with the love talk.

in life •  last year

There seems to be an unintentional theme forming here.
Relationships. Yes this will be another Relationships blog post. Relationship advice has probably by this point in time been done to death, literally there is so many places on the internet that you can go by simply typing a relationship question into the search bar on your device.

Now I’m a simple gal, I am quite young and inexperienced. Two weeks ago my boyfriend of three years and I decided a break was something that couldn’t be avoided. This was not a mutual decision but I quickly realized the benefits of some time a part. What I really decided to start focusing on was doing things for myself to make myself happy. In this space of time the realization came to me that I was unfairly depending on my partner for my happiness, which is just that, unfair.

Now there is a used by date for relationships, some like good old canned goods have an amazing shelf life some are more like dairy products in the time span. Now I know my relationship Is a canned good type, it’s a can of soup that has been dropped a couple of times and has had some nasty dints but still worth saving. How do I know this? I think it has nothing to do with love, and honestly the reason I think this relationship with this person is a of the soup variety is because I have discovered that I can indeed function without them. I can enjoy my life without them, I am not miserable. BUT, I have discovered I am happier with them.
I have also realized my part in the formation of the dinted can. It’s insecurity, which has nothing to do with the person I am in a relationship with. It’s my own problems that I projected onto the other person which started the downward spiral into ‘break-town’.
Now I’m not saying I’m the only one to blame, but I am accepting my part in it. I recently read an article that really blew shit into perspective for me.
This article suggested that, for a relationship to work there needs to be a deep level of respect, trust and admiration for yourself and the person you’re with. Obviously right? No but listen, respecting yourself means knowing what you deserve and how you deserve to be treated, basically loving yourself. You know your great and you know what you deserve, and you trust that your partner knows that too. But do you respect your partner? I don’t think I did or have been. In a general sense I had admiration for him, I valued his opinions but I don’t think I really put much thought on whether or not I respected him. This lack of respect for him festered from a lack of respect for myself, I did not feel worthy or good enough and It made me resent my partner, distrust him, put him down.
What I have realized is that, because I had this lack of respect. I couldn’t fully respect or understand his reasons for being in a relationship with me, this of course in turn created trust issues.
“I’m insecure with myself, I don’t respect my partners decisions, I don’t trust that he is in control of his own actions and has my best interests as well as his own at heart… so because of that I am going to try and control him and leave him with as little space as possible to have his own life.” This is literally what my thought process was as I was reading this article, and I thought to myself woah you’re a head case girl get your shit together.
I felt sad and also annoyed, my partner never ever gave me reason to distrust him, he is an amazing person that deserves respect and the benefit of the doubt.

Okay guys so what I’m getting at here, is that often our own insecurities make things foggy, maybe those insecurities will always be present, but from what I’ve gathered from reflecting is that projecting those insecurities Is not fair or right or beneficial to a healthy relationship.
Your best bet is to learn to

1.respect yourself, respect your partner in their decisions their personal space their reasons for loving you.

  1. When you respect yourself, most insecurities should fall away anyways. Ones that remain are ones that you live with and do not project on your partner, do not make it their fault and trust that they love you despite of these insecurities.

  2. Trust and respect should go hand in hand, if you respect someone, you should trust them too. Otherwise, if you don’t truly trust someone it means that you don’t respect the decisions they make.

  3. If you are capable of happiness and enjoyment without your partner, but find that you are happier still in their company then your relationship is soup and can withstand a few dints.

I am no relationship guru but I am a deep thinker, I persevere if I believe something is worth persevering for. So here is a little of what I am discovering about relationships and how to better them.

I hope everyone is having a lovely day!

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Relationships are hard work. I have been with my husband for 16 years. All I can say is that I have learnt to understand that we two are different individuals with very different needs. I can't expect him to change since I love him the way he is. It just about growing up together and learning about each other-how far your partner will walk for you and how far you are willing to go.