Dreams at the ledge of sanity
I think I had a nervous breakdown.
This is from my journal; my process - written to myself, to you, to my boss. I have this vague idea that it has the potential to help someone else, since it helps me. Or it may be a collection of unintelligable, disjointed thoughts. It's going out there anyway.
Thanks for reading.
6AM
What are my fears? Entrapment. Loss of self-sufficiency; dependence. Loss of focus and effectiveness. Fear of using her as an experiment, an object – hurting her very badly.
In this moment I am in fear.
8PM
I feel mentally volatile, something serious happened today – mental collapse. I dreamt of alternate versions of this basement suite, powerful dreams – dreams that seemed to put me on the ledge of sanity – dreams to make me unsure of reality – dreams to rival any of my drug experiences.
I feel that I have experienced a near miss. Something very powerful had a hold of me today, from the moment I woke up.
…Mentioned “Satan” and it rang true. This was evil, I was under attack – I am nervous.
How deeply do you experience life? This will determine the impact of perpetual pressure. Those of the most acute sensitivity, of the highest intensity, we must be careful. I understand the mental occupancy that could facilitate a suicide attempt. I understand the compulsion to run to the psychiatrists; the willingness to swallow anything to realize some sense of mental stability. The line between reality and insanity is obfuscated in this state.
Be cognizant of your sensitivity, your intensity. Understand that the tools of your success will become weapons, they will turn on you if you abuse them, if you push them too far for too long. They are very powerful in love, equally powerful in fear.
My healing will always be my own.
The fragmentation of my life; “work” – “relationship” – “self” – these result in suffering. All of these are life. All of these are the products of my consciousness, a single consciousness. The fragmentation of my external life is a reflection of the internal conflict. There is no “balance” to be achieved. Balance requires two – I am one. Oneness is the key.
In truth – I will never be dependant. The management of self is a solitary endeavor – I will always preserve my singularity. This intensity cannot be left in incapable hands.
If work demands that you become something else, if it violates your moral compass, if it exploits your talent, no amount of money will bring peace.
Life is work – if you are alive and work. You must value your work to the extent that you value your life. If this is impossible, quit.
Where do you live? Not your house, not your community – where do you live? You live where you presently exist. Your car, a coffee shop – your life fills that space while you are in it. Life does not become suspended when you are not on your couch or when you are not in the company of your family. These places are suspended of value when you are not present – you bring value to your environment, to your circumstances, they do not bring value to you. Test this, perceive your work in this way.
Freedom is exactly contingent on your capacity to live in love. Freedom is a state of action – it is not a hope, it is not a destination, it is a decision.
Be suspect of the suggestion to "go talk to someone.” Your well-being is in your control. Even when you speak to a “professional,” you are fixing yourself. You are paying somebody to witness your process, your work – they are not capable of solving your problem. If these individuals throw drugs at you in your vulnerable state, this should be regarded as an initiation of force.
I must be free to lead myself.
My development will be wasted if I am forced to conform. I am capable of more than I know – I must be free to explore my capacity.
You must “let me go” or let me go. I cannot be controlled.
My work is a facet of my masculinity; a significant portion of my life – therefore my love.
I am a leader by default because I do not follow leaders – and I require people to lead themselves.
Demand nothing of me and I will deliver more than you would have thought to demand. Allow me to function to my standard of accomplishment rather than yours. Yours is for you and those who follow you – mine is for me. People follow me because I am not led.
One either leads from a place of fear or love. This applies to every industry, every family – every place in which people coexist: relationship.
It is obvious when a leader is in fear, the fruit of their leadership is rotten. They come to their position by means of intimidation, insecurity, ego…
Leadership from love is leadership from self-love; leadership as the natural product of self-sufficiency; an absolute incapacity to follow.
In turn, followers can do so from fear or love. This is true throughout. There is nothing wrong with following; fear is what is wrong.
Understand “competence.” This is a measure: the interval between thought and action. It is qualified by the quality of the thought and the effectiveness of the action. Success is contingent on this understanding.
Understand gender – in work, in relationship. We are different, we must not endeavor for uniformity; “equality.” This will lead to conflict because it is unnatural. This is huge, go into it – do not ignore the relevance.
Feminine: “Do no harm.”
Masculine: “Do no harm, or else -”
Love is not a box.
Consciousness is an expansive forest, love is a river flowing through it; love is the rain and sunlight that sustain it. Fear is a prison man has built within. One either exists in a prison within consciousness or in the wilderness – among the living.
I am no longer alone. The tension, the resistance is gone.