The Pain and Pleasure of Getting Older (aka the nightmare of PMS but also the awesome insightful wisdom part)

This is a post about female things. I don't give one hot shit if men read this post, but if you're a man that's squeamish about hearing of womanly things, then you might want to pass on this one. Everyone else, enjoy the enlightenment of growing older as a woman.

*Warning. You may need your Sarcasm Detector out for the first part of this post.

Schedules & Period Stuff

One of the best things about menopause is the fact that everything is so well organized and scheduled. Gone are the random mood swings with no warning. Gone are those pesky periods that are off schedule, and of course, when you do get one, it will always be delightfully short and light with no ill side effects. It certainly won't be a giant bloody mess of birthing gelatinous blobs of alien like goo out your vagina. No worries at all. You don't even need to keep a drawer of "period panties" because it will never surprise you like the Mt. Vesuvious of bloody volcanoes.

Sleeping

Insomnia? No worries. Of course you can sleep well. Not only that, but you'll get to sleep easily and sleep all through the night! No tossing and turning. No newly discovered perimenopausal anxiety rearing its ugly head. No 'pee breaks' multiple times a night. Of course not! You're old. You're wise now, you need your sleep and damn it, you've earned that shit.

Mood Swings (those not included in paragraph #1)

Let's not forget, you'll never have to worry about crazy mood swings that flit down upon your head without warning. No sirree Bob. None of that. We're women. We've paid our dues with decades of periods, cramps, and in some cases, raised our children.

Weight

Maybe we've gained weight or battled the bulge in the past, but now that we're heading into menopause, never you fear. Our bodies are ready to lay down and roll over. It's all so much easier now! Of course it is. It makes perfect sense that after all of these years of life, our bodies are ready for some rest, a break from all the hormones and weight gain bullshit... and ready for some feisty sex-capades now that the kids are out of the house.

SEXY LADY RAWR!!!

Sarcasm

Okay, so maybe just maybe I'm feeling a tad bit sarcastic because of the insomnia, the freakishly bad weight gain out of nowhere when I hit 40 or the moods that I can't seem to pinpoint (am I just losing my mind? Having a nervous breakdown? Is my husband an asshole today or am I being entirely unreasonable? Am I crying because that dog food commercial was incredibly well done OR IS IT HORMONES???)

Reality Check

It is like a fucking Merry Go Round of anxiety trying to get a handle on these emotions... and I will say that as someone who has dealt with bipolar issues, PTSD and dissociative identity disorder, I am not a lightweight when it comes to dealing with mental/emotional things! I'm not new to this! Still... I'm trying to find the humor in it, because if I can't laugh at myself, then what the hell am I even doing?

Hair

And the hair! Oh, the glorious hair. Now I personally have been begging my hair to turn white for a good solid decade now, but alas, it has only cooperated half way. Thankfully the dark roots with light hair is really in right now so I just appear to be some sort of fashion icon of hair (assuming that I ever left the house or did anything other than put my hair up in a pony tail). I am extra careful to make sure to dye my roots at least once every... 6 months-ish. I'm really dedicated to making sure that no one sees my roots. (HAHAHAHA, shit, sorry. Lapsed into sarcasm there again for just a hot minute. I apologize.)

And YET, that's not exactly the hair I was talking about.

Yes, I heard well before it happened that the pesky light dusting of hair on my upper lip would get a little 'worse' as I grew older. I wasn't told that I was also going to be growing a full out goatee if I wasn't careful. No one warned me that the fucking little hairs would march across my chin like soldiers laying seige. And not one person spoke of these brutal chin hairs that hang on for dear life. Pluck your eyebrow hairs? No problem? Wax that 'stache? A little sting? Sure. No problem. But ripping those chin hairs out by the root? I think it would be easier to go outside and uproot a sapling that had been growing for a month and these little bastards on my chin settle in that deep seemingly overnight. Shit.

The Good Part

On the Good side of things, you may just become more laid back in general. You can learn not to sweat the small stuff and just chill more. If your partner(s) is willing, you can start having some no-young-kids-in-the-house-super-awesome-orgasms-sexual-peak-ladies-night type sex too. (And I do mean super-awesome orgasms. Mmmm... this might be the best (or only best. Is only best a thing?) part of the whole heading into menopause thing. Also, this sexual peak in our 40's is great, but why can the men not have theirs at the same time???

So really, it's not all bad... but sometimes I just need a second to rant.

And now I feel better. For now.

Of course, I'm just getting started here. What else do I have to look forward to?

(Ie: can someone explain hot flashes to me in the most realistic and yet maybe humorous way so as to not terrify me completely?)

**All photos are mine, of me. All gifs are from giphy