Chapter 0

Hello. My names Rosember!!!!!!!!!

Transcendence, And my awakening ego to who I was and to who I am and to who I want to be.
This story I am about to unfold is my life. Raw, real, and unfiltered. I am rather awful at portraying myself in words as I believe actions speak louder than words so i'll attempt my best to share my experiences with you through this screen you're peering at. It all began one random night on an October evening. Laying down with a friend who I had a form of relationship which is still undefined to me. We liked each other enough to date yet under weird vices that prevented us to really become an item. And deep down we also knew that we weren't meant for each other but being friends for years also gave a deep foundation of admiration that you can only feel with another human being that you have grown with. There for the ups and downs and smiles and frowns to joking and experiencing this moment we call life together. This was rather a very bittersweet feeling as it created a honeymoon like setting between both of us as we had mostly fun with the time we were given. There was no serious or worry or nervousness vibe as it seemed like we were stuck on a great third date feeling. During this form of relationship she lost someone very dear to her. I did my best to console her as much as I could yet I also felt a bit horrible because I couldn’t empathize with her because I never lost anyone close to me as of writing this. I recall telling her I'm sorry that I can't help her because well.... I rarely ever feel sadness. As those words left my mouth they kept repeating in my head like a cycle. Little did I know this same question would manifest itself into my consciousness. Let's fast forward by a couple of months and a series of unfortunate series happened. I lost 300 dollars by mail which sucked for the mere fact that it's about the same amount of money to pay for my rent. Then I came home to water leaking into my bedroom and my roommate's bedroom and kitchen. Needless to say while the problem was being fixed me and my roommate who also happens to be a close friend where waterless for two weeks. This resulted in me taking showers at my friends and grandma's house. I also bought gallons of water to pour on my body with a bar of soap as a means of staying fresh and clean. Thing is I never complained the whole time and neither did and neither did my friend. While enjoying a nice flight to the moon my roommate asked me, does it even bother you that we don't have water. My immediate response was, No. I recall not having food in the fridge when I was 13 because mom was working late into the night cause pops was nowhere around. This also meant rent wasn’t always on time yet a necessity to have walls and a roof to call a home. You see this was my upbringing so as an adult surviving through college it seemed like no biggie. As many unfortunate events that arised, they didn’t seem to phase me at all. This was rather an idea though that began to make me feel inhuman. I kept thinking why is it that i rarely feel sadness or madness. One paycheck later and i was driving to walmart to cash my check. I was in a drinking mood yet i was 20 so i was going to worry about being id until i had the cash in my hands. Life threw obstacles at me as walmart had begun a new policy of not cashing checks after 10 pm. As i arrived expecting to have money in my hand and driving to a much more lax store and doing my best to get away with being recently 21 as i still had a few more months to go.. The cashier informed me of the new policy and i left defeated and realizing my night wasn't going to end in drinking the cold taste of brew. As i was heading home i noticed a man in a chefs shirt and hat outside a restaurant. As i was heading towards walmart i noticed the man there but thought nothing much of it. I found it weird that he was still sitting out there as i was heading home sporting a rather worried face. I drove to him and asked if he needed a ride and he told me yes and i told him to hop in. fortunately his home was in the direction i was heading in and he informed me that his ride never showed up and he was stranded for two hours with no means to get home. I felt genuinely happy that i could help. As i was dropping him off i noticed a liquor store and felt rather guilty and corrupted asking him if he could buy me beer as he might feel like he had too because i gave him a lift. I felt horrible but i really wanted to get drunk this specific night. He told me yes and we walked into the liquor store where he bought me four lokos. I soon dropped him off and headed towards home feeling rather weird. Initially I had envisioned the whole trip in my head yet life had different plans for me. I poured the liquid protruding from the green can into my eager mouth. You see for the first time in my life i felt a bothersome inner problem, the feeling of in-humuman. I got rejected for the first time in my life by someone who i truly liked, more than any other attraction i have ever felt for a human being. As of today i remain a much more logical mindset perception but i swear i could almost see her soul her aurora from the moment i locked eyes with her. I was walking down some steps leaving a class and putting on my jacket as it was chilly that day. I recall the feeling of my arm going through the sleeves and looking up and having a surge of euphoric adrenaline course through my veins and the contact might have been as short as a second but it felt so deep and long that the memory is still carved deep into my ego. Usually i have enough confidence and impulsion to go with my instincts and my instics told me to greet this human being but i was caught off guard and mesmerized at what i just experienced. I made a promise to myself that if i see this human being again ill go up to her and say the first thing that popped into my head and leave it at that. Later that evening scrolling through my facebook i saw a bear with a chainsaw hand. The caption was, If a bear with chainsaw hands ever mauled your face i hope it doesn't maul your face because i think you're pretty cute. Well perhaps I don't take life seriously and it seemed corny, sweet, random, and unique enough that i decided these were the words i'd choose to greet her with. Rather an interesting way to meet someone right? Well just walking from class to wandering the campus i saw her walking and i felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins as i was rather nervous yet still calm knowing that i'm confident in my own actions, charisma and ego. With a huge smile and a leap of faith that moment was the start of a friendship. Rapidly though from the start she amazed me. Her ideology and perspective and energy captured me quickly and i realized the sudden flooding feeling of truly liking someone. It's been awhile since i've been captured by this spell and i wanted to ask her out on a date. Yet it seemed … difficult and i had begun to convince myself she would never like someone like me, kind of sad right to sink that low of a thought? Then a mentor in my life spoke to me about regret. This where his words i'd rather live with failure today then regret tomorrow. I realized he was right and i just needed to take the plunge. I wrote her a song. I felt like a dipshit because i half assed it and at the time life was rather busy and hectic that i didn't have much practice time. So i proceeded to serenade her with my guitar which had more slip ups than i'd preferred. As i was prepared to ask her out on a date my brain just collapsed and i struggled to find the words that i blurted out the first words that materialized. I'm usually very smooth and i believe my charisma is as cool as a cucumber so me being nervous screwed my confidence up and i felt defeated because i almost lacked conviction in my voice. As she rejected me i had already embraced it. Anticipated it as the thought of her saying yes never entered my mind. I was disappointed in myself because i know i didn't portray half of what i felt into my actions but i was happy with myself because i still took the leap despite how pessimistic my rationality became. Yet my true confidence shone when i realized how happy i remained despite being rejected. And then the thought of me saying how i never felt sadness bothered me because i should have felt sad. I should have been hurt deep inside because i know what i felt for her felt right. That she changed my perspective of life radically for a better cause. And the fact that i was living like it never happened and smiling and being happy made me feel inhumane. How can i be happy? If i can't feel sadness. I felt alone so alone because my problem was… i couldn't get sad. As i took sips of the four loko i had my headphones on listening to sad music and recalling all the sad moments in my life. And as i delved deeper into my ego i realized i couldn't produce any sad vibes but then a roaring thought produced into my head! Wait why am i trying to be sad? I've been through so much shit in my life from poverty to growing in an abusive home from my father to having experience hunger, real hunger. I am strong and proud of my scars because they have made me into the being i am now. And from going to trying to induce my body to feel sadness i felt a soaring happiness and grabbed my mic and began to sing my heart out. I realized happiness is a choice and i have chosen to pursue happiness no matter how hard it can get. It's easy to fall down and in some ways there's beauty in sadness but don't let it consume you! I grew exponentially that night and i have never felt so close to humanity as a whole. My love for humanity is deeply in my heart now as i realized my happiness is now at peace and i am ready to begin life choosing a happy life. I have accepted my life for the way it is and i have accepted my life for what's happened now it's up to me to pave my own future.
These wise words from various mentors and friends and my own insight helped me become more conscious and i hope to a degree might help you, find you.
Live in the moment. Live and seize every moment whether success or failure you'll grow as you try to mold your dreams into reality.
Don’t lie. Not because it's immoral or rude or destructive but it is self harming. You may get away with a lie. You might even be great and never get caught in a lie. But you know who does know that you lie? You do. Every time you want someone to believe you, there's a little voice in the back of your head that will remind you sometimes you do lie.
Be grateful. I mean it. Whether you're born with nothing or everything be grateful of the moment. You see none of us asked to be born. Yet I am glad I get to experience this complex and simple thing we call life. It can be taken at any moment's notice. I am on a piece of rock called earth traveling in space around a sun through an infinite galaxy.
Lose control. This doesn't mean go crazy xD but lose the sense of expecting anything. Don't feel like you're owed anything by any other human being. Anything given whether words or actions should be appreciated.
Love. As deeply as you can as far as you can as long as you can, spread love. Love yourself inwardly so that the world can see your beautiful soul. Every human being is beautiful we all carry the past together and we all as souls shape the future of humanity.
Let go. Let go of the pain. I carried the pain of my childhood until the age of 21. It took courage to delve deep inside and have the strength of the pain.
Lastly words from a soul i admired,
Get rid of ego o’ seeker of good.