My relationship with exercise, through bouts of depression and sickness

My friendship group in high school were not active and sadly as a result I also became inactive. I fell out of sports, put on weight and got to a point where i didn't even want to move my body in front of people because I didn't like how it looked. I thought actively trying to lose weight was embarrassing because I shouldn't of had this extra weight in the first place and I thought it made it seem like I cared about my appearance too much.

When I was 20 I was going through a bout of depression, I had just left an extremely toxic sharehouse, I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself, I had lost a bit of weight through constant drinking and partying but I was by no means healthy and still technically considered overweight (by BMI standards). I moved back to my hometown, A small beach town called Coffs Habour to lick my wounds. Nothing really worked, I felt so lost and unhappy for a few small reasons but nothing major and it frustrated me. I started keeping a journal and going for walks and quickly realised that I was ALWAYS a little less sad on the days I went for my walks. I ended up joining a gym and it became one of the most positive experiences, not only did a feel like a brand new person mentally but I felt strong in my body and it was amazing.

Now life's always changing and so i moved back to Melbourne and fell back out of exercising as my time got taken up with work, a new boyfriend and a diploma in screen and media. Fast forward 3 years and I found myself in another bout of depression, I could hardly make myself get out of bed, I despised myself, shut off friends and spent a lot of time crying in my room and smoking joints to numb a pain that seemingly had no cause and therefore no fix. I decided it was time to make a change again. I had still never really lost weight from exercising but i knew it fixed my mind.

This time a friend joined the gym too and I started to reconnect with her as we worked out together. Cardio got boring but the classes were great until they weren't and then we changed our focus to weights but it wasn't until we started meal prepping together to really focus on what we were putting into our bodies that we started seeing big changes! I lost 10 kilos in about 3 months, My mind was the best it had ever been, I felt so focused and so happy, I was productive and my social and sex life improved because I had more confidence. I felt like this was something I could easily keep up and that it would in turn keep away the clouds that kept finding me.

Then I got sick. I couldn't leave my bed, my mind felt so foggy, I was exhausted all the time and I can remember just saying to my boyfriend over and over "whats wrong with me". Turns out I had bad case of glandular fever. The initial sickness passed but my immune system was fucked. I got sick from a different virus almost every 2 weeks for almost 8 months. The doctors kept telling me there was nothing that they could do, that my body had to work through it but this caused me to lose a job and fail units at university and it undid all the work i had done, 9 kilos came back, i lost any definition I had and i felt weak. The residual chronic fatigue kept my mind foggy and i started to struggle intellectually as well.

Around this time, my best friends fiance was diagnosed with leukaemia and so I also watched him spend months in hospital and although my year had been terrible, his was about to get so much worse and it showed me how these things can happen to anybody so why are we taking our good health for granted? Why aren't we treating our bodies as best as we can so that we can get the most out of them!?
About 3 months ago, I finally stopped contracting viruses, I have spent almost a year unable to exercise and I realised just how important health was. I want to nourish my body and move, and use it. I want to start getting out there and doing things, even in front of people, my body will change in front of them all. I have to stop holding myself back because a little of extra weight is no reason to stop living and health is something that can be taken from you without warning and in return, looking after your body heals your mind.

Today is my forth week of my new lifestyle, I'm not being too harsh on myself but i'm exercising where I can, I'm eating well and i'm trying to be grateful for what my body and mind lets me accomplish everyday. For those of you suffering from a cloudy mind whether it be depression, anxiety, fatigue or something other, please try just going for walks and for those of you who hate their bodies, try to be gentle on yourself.

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